THE GAP BAND OUTSTANDING

Gap Band - Party Train

Re: I.GET.SEXY. and Thank you to Thomas Sanders

Weeks

It seems like a whole lot of nothing has happened around me, but not so much to me. Both of the housemates that were against me are out of the house now, and it's a lot more peaceful here, these days. I'm getting the house clean and it's staying clean, without those terrible 2.

Interests have changed, been picked up and dropped. Zines, art, rad spaces, and anime are blurring together, but in a good way. I'm excited about doing the most boring things that people usually don't enjoy and disregard. The job is rocky. I like my new store, but I don't feel like I'm doing a good job. This place might be too gold star for me, but I say that being easily discouraged. I should do my best. I haven't been there long, but I've already been late a few times. That's the only place I feel short, but they're strict about it, so I'm going to go ahead and apply for different places. I also don't want to be a a cashier, anymore.

I've started smudging, to cleanse the house. I feel better about things, in general, when I'm able to practice what I believe in. My recent has been crap, so I'm going to load up on produce for the house, soon. I'm on the hunt for a new laptop, and table. I'm going to get a new phone, too. I already know the phone I want, so I'm not calling that a hunt.

Gap Band - Humpin' ELECTION DAY 2016!

Election Day got me HUMPIN'!

RQUE° - Green Gold

Undertale - Battle Against A True Hero Acapella

Undertale - Death by Glamour Acapella

Welcome to Fall/ End of Sept HouseParty!

For all the highs and lows that happened in my birthmonth this year, I can proudly say I lived through it! My birthmonth ended with a house party last night, and it helped me feel a lot more comfortable and less outcasted being in this house. None of my friends could make it, but the house manager knows a lot of great people that I was happy to meet! I feel way more comfortable inviting people over now that other have been here.

The house was cleaned up! The other 2 hosts cooked! I felt like people with lives actually live in this house, which I haven't felt since I've been here. Honestly, I'm going to make at least one more try at finding a new place, but I'm not going to be so disappointed if it doesn't work out this month. I might not try again for Nov, depending on how things go over this month. I still want to leave for a chance at a better place, but as of right now I'm not dying to leave because I dislike my housemates.

I was looking at somethings I would like to put in my room, to make it more homely for me. And, I'm buying more for the house, in general. Before I started typing this I was thinking about where I could find a tv and getting video/ movie streaming services for the house. I live here and I like nice things, so the place I live in is going to have nice things.

Why Do We Collect?

My neck

With fall comes a lot of change! My life has a lot of change. Jobs, friends, and all. I'm looking for a new place to stay because my roommates are very boring and lackluster about life. My emotions are also scary to them, though I haven't done anything scary. I can really live without them, but I don't work to my ass off for a $700 place by myself in the inner city. I actually like having roommates. This is the first place I've been with people I dislike, and it's the same place I've ever paid for on my own. I wonder what that's suppose to tell me. I might resume camping come summer, because I don't hang out with wimps. Selfish wimps, to make it worse. I'm aiming for jobs that pay a little more than what I'm making now, and hopefully everything will work out, so I can have a higher budget for rent. I'm way to in love with my life for these people.

At the sametime, my health is taking a serious turn. There's a high chance my neck is going to need some kind of surgery, due to a lump that has been on my thyroid for months. It's soft, not pained, and  moveable, so hopefully it's just weird fat. If it's fat, it can stay - that's not knife or drain worthy.

We'll see how things go. I'm 28, now. I'm too old for this shit.

The Noisy Freaks & Wicked City – Get Down/ Happy Autumnal Equinox!

0-100 | How Do You Mend A Broken Heart?

Seiho - I Feel Rave (Official Video)

Youjo and the abusive relationship?!

Youjo vs. Abuse?!

For a few days...

A lot of moving around has been going on. I've gone from staying in shelters to camping with camp mates. I also have a job cashier at a food store, and still yet looking for other jobs. Some many people in such a short amount of time. It feels like a month has pasted in only 2 weeks.

I had a mate fora few days. Things didn't work out due to personality differences, and we didn't know each other for over a week beforehand. t only lasted for a few days, but that's one of my current camping mates. 

I'm not tron up about a break up. I'm getting creeping feeling of "I'm never going to get what I want out of a romantic relationship" after this, though. I'm fighting the feeling off very well. There was some putting down from this partner about my sexual conduct, but considering the egoistical angle it was coming from I'm not so hurt by the context. I'm a little hurt by what was said only because it was said, and it's along the lines of something I use to think about myself, thought the way it was said wasn't totally accurate. However, I've come to terms with my sexuality, and I know there's nothing wrong with me. The person that said those things is the one with the problem. 

I will admit the attention and affectionate parts were nice.

Undertale - Another Medium Acapella

Germany to Germany - Ratatat

I have 2 gifted Tarot Decks, now!

I was gifted with 2 tarot decks from the person I'm currently staying with until the end of this month.

Ratatat "Cherry"

Anti - a lot of things

I went to the Anti-Violence event in North MPLS. All was going well until a rapper got on stage and started rapping pro-God anti-history and anti-science. The rapper actually said "they try to come at me with science and history, but I know the bible and God are real because I believe they're real". I'm sorely disappointed with the black and Christian community this day. The promotion of ignorance and close-mindedness is unacceptable. I'm uninspired to attend anymore events until I am well aware of the crowd that will be at the event. I will likely be staying away from anything I can tell has that kind of crowd. I was hoping Minneapolis was better than that, but I see the flaws of the overall community, here.

Dizzy/ Happy Pride Month!

With the changes that have been coming this new place, there are many things that are a lot of feelings going on within me. A lot of disappointment and outrage with the behavior of people around me.

Today, I feel so dizzy which is making me tired and drained. I don't understand what's wrong. Recently, I had a dream. I'm happy because it was my first Undertale dream, and it was weird and disappointing because it had a very popular pairing that I dislike in it. That's really strange in itself. That's the first fandom dream I've had that's featured a pairing I dislike in it.

I was recently advised that my Root Chakra is too low, and since I've started listening to beats for that I've been... * falls asleep*

~

June is LGBTQ Pride month for the USA! Happy Pride Month, everyone!

[House] - Haywyre - Do You Don't You [Monstercat LP Release]

Undertale — Asgore (w/ Bergentrückung) Acoustic Cover

[Drumstep] - Pegboard Nerds & Grabbitz - All Alone [Monstercat Release]

0-100 | What Is Love?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL, FOR WE ALL HAVE A MOTHER

My first Tarot Card deck: Colorado to MN

Tragic News:

Today, I have decided to have a funeral for my tarot cards. No only are they water damaged, but they fell on the floor in the shelter. You can imagine.
I've had these cards since my later days in Colorado and as I have seen many and gotten many readings I have decided it's time to move from the Classic RW deck to a deck that is more artfully expressive to relate to me.
I have already decided what I will do it it. I will grieve now, and window shop for a new deck soon.

Maxo - Reach You

ASGORE - Instrumental Mix Cover (Undertale)

LESS political MORE party!

The system only gets me down and the people around are so angry and boring. Talking about this subject hasn't gotten me much of anywhere I wanted to be or with people I would want to be around. I'm not giving up my morals, labels, or opinions. I'm not as readily available to discuss them, and I'm not sure as shit not getting any arguments. Their are more happy, entimening, and practical things to talk about. Anime, video games, cooking, making clothes, all kinds of stuff. All I can do is hope this corrupted system won't last forever and move on.

Frenssu - Thru The Air

FALSE RAPE ACCUSATIONS??

Imaginary enemies

Something I've been doing since at least my time in New Mexico has been making imaginary emegies. Random people or maybe not so random people doing hurtful things to me. I can guess how and why it started but now it's time for it to come to an end. I need to keep those thoughts ion check and to a minium. On the outside I don't walk around with a chip on my shoulder thinking everyone is out to get me and hurt me, so it doesn't make sense that I have these images in my head.

The Universe said...

I just ran my tarot, which is the only way to get me to calm down about all this. I can't say the Universe was just being nice to me. I know it is only honest. The Universe has told me that my heart is true and that I'm not wrong. I just have very unfortunate luck. I'm good at moving on and the obsticales in my way may very well be what I feel like my options are, in my ever changing position. It could also be related to how I feel about myself, and it doesn't look like my past trauma came up. That means it's not affecting me as much as I think it is, but I recount whenever things go wrong.

I have the building record that I have felt exists. Each expreince has been it's own, not tailed by anything. The love game is all about luck, and my luck is just bad. I can be less hard on myself now. Now, I can just cry about how unlucky I am, I guess. That's much better than believe I have the bad vibes of "mistakes" I've made in the past following me effecting my present and future. I still don't know what to do. If it's determined bad luck maybe I should stop trying to love out of knowing it won't work out. I can't change my luck. I'm still sad, but in a much less in a blaming others for what they've done or being self-hating for what I've done. Much less rueful and hateful reasons, for sure. I haven't made any mistakes. That's much more refreshing to know.

I guess that's it. I'll just stop trying.
That's it.
I'm dead.
No more.

(typed 4/4)

Days have gone by

It's been some days since the events of the last post, and I still feel like garbage. I spiraled into suicidal depression, but not because of the person. I was questioned by someone else how long I had known the person and I relieved i had only known them for about 2 weeks before I confessed my feelings. The fact that I had such strong feelings that fast is my biggest red flag of my emotional instability. I apologized to them, which is why the forgiveness came up. It's very kind of them, but I don't feel like I should be forgiven without learning my lesson. I really shouldn't have feelings for anyone if I'm that radical.

(typed 4/4)

Delta: Sexy Rejected Emotional Wasteland

(Typed 4/2)

I blew on a certain social media site, again. Funny enough it was after saying I was going to post about sexy and sexual stuff. I sure enough posted about my sexual trauma, though I wouldn't call it "sexy". I'm going to make due on my word, but I've probably wrecked all my Boston connections with what I said. I'm find with that, too, as I won't be going back to stay there for any amount of time aside from a layover to somewhere else. And, I'll avoid that - if possible, too.

I had enough of my own shit, yesterday. I went off about my failed relationship past and how it's affecting how I'm acting now. I don't have any hopes for a romantic future. I have a poor track record only full of people that have no idea what respect is, and Boston was no different. The person ignores my feelings, but is ok with talking to me.

At this point, I'm just playing a self destructive game with myself. I have this dagger I like to pass to people. I call it "affection", and I give it to a special person and I trust them not to stab me with it. They do, and when it happens another piece of me gets torn away and dies. A day cometh when I will have passed this dagger enough to tear away and kill all of me. when there's nothing left, I will be numb. That is when I will be the person I want to be. Dejected, rejected, and wiser from it.

I have failed you in every way

Another part of the reason why I took the rejection from the person I liked so harsh is that I changed nothing for them. I've been noticed to bring about change to those around me. I couldn't change anything for a person that I really cared about, and I'm so disappointed in myself. I just want to forget Boston ever happened.

On the other hand, I don't doubt that I needed for all that to happen, even though I don't like most of it. I met some great people, and I wouldn't take that back. The person that I expressed myself to didn't answer me, and someone I talked to said that a non-answer is an answer. It's dead. I accept that it's dead. Time to bury it. Pray over it and move on.

But, now I feel so useless. It feels like I'll never be able to help someone I care about and truly deserves my affection. Not all these other unworthy fucks I've had feelings for. Someone actually doing something with their life and has hopes and dreams and all that good admirable stuff. Of coruse, a part of me wants to quit and continue to be single and reject anymore romantic feelings, but I'm not going to quit this time. I'm sick of quitting when it comes to this part of my life. I'm going to keep trying and hope it works out. I'm going to accept the down time, though.

Enough is enough!

Since I've left Boston and came out to the Twin Cities I've been beating myself to a pulp. I'm not good looking. I'm not smart. No one I like respects me. All that kind of shit. None of it's true. I may not be what I want to be, but I am what I am, and that's all I have!

I've decided to end it. I'm relatively alright looking. That's good enough. I'm loyal! I'm ok with the smarts. I don't really care about being smart. I just felt stupider than the last person I had attraction for. I felt like they didn't respect me because of the intelligence gap. Fuck that, now, though. First of all, they said anything like that. They picked on me once and I took it really hard because of past events, but if they really didn't respect me they wouldn't have hung out with me. I still have a hard time accepting that i like men/ males/ masco but I need to get over that for my own sake. I'm also accepting that I've been single for a long time and I want to change that. I want a partner (in crime), and I'm very into Asians and some types of whites, so that's what I'm looking for!

I really blew up all over the person I like via text and social media. There's no turning back from that. I would still rather people know how I feel, and it being open and honest ends their interest in me there's nothing I can do about that. If it doesn't we can keep moving forward, together!

But, in the meantime I need to be realistic and straighten out things I will and won't accept from people.What am I looking for in a partner and all that. Set guidelines and standards, but still be attracted to whomever I want. There are few written in stone with me.

Ok! I'm ready! Let's do this! It's more-than-friend-type relationship time!

Do You Need to Get Married & Have Kids?

Are Witches Feminist Icons?

Sympathy for my bad bloods

About that sexual person in Boston. I didn't see how how anti-sex I had become until I got here with these people. Some of the anger I felt was out of a sense of unfairness that I had to know more about the individual's sexual details when they didn't care to ask anything about me. It evoled into a hate for the persons sexualy energy which reflected on my subverted hatred for sex, just as much as violence.

In truth, I don't hate sex or violence. I hate how lightly take them as they are very serious subjects and actions. Honestly, I'll probably kill before I have sex. I feel like I would rather, because I don't have to trust anyone to kill them. I know there are people with much looser sexual morals, but I need trust for that. I'm speaking for myself.

(This was suppose to be after "No Hate", but it posted in the line position as it was in drafts, and it looks off in post order. Thanks, Blogger. Whatever.)

When someone doesn't tell me I have to figure it out

After some research I have deducted that I have been dealing with child abuse and sexual assault victims. One of them was very expressive about their abuse. As someone else that was abused I could directly relate to them because of how open they are about it. However, with the sexual abuse victim I noticed they had very different behavior, and very conflicting behavior and speech. I didn't understand it, and it frustrated me, but after conversing about the issue with someone else they introduced the idea of child abuse. At first, I was too pissed off by the situation for logical but after a good night's sleep I did some research. This person shows clear signs of being a sexual assault victim.

One thing that I pointed out to myself beforehand is that this person doesn't act like normal people acts. I've met people with the same interests, and I would call them over the top, and sometimes overbearing, but that's not how I would be able to categorize this person. The show clearly damaged behavior, and with emotional and mental trauma the signs can be 2 ends of the same problem in one display.

There is nothing I can do to help this person. They show the anger signs, and pride is usually behind those. I can only offer to help those that want help.

No hate

My time for Boston draws near. The person I told my feelings doesn't hate me, and I will continue to tease them while I'm here (as long as they're ok with it). I'm so sad that I have to leave them. I'm sad I couldn't help while I was here. It hurts to have a greater chance of never seeing them again. I'll leave something for them. I don't know if it's right to leave a note, but I'll leave a stone for them. Might even leave a whole necklace, with the likelihood that they won't wear it but the effort is worth way more than nothing.

As for the sexual one, I have resolved that we are indeed 2 sides of the same coin. We've only interrupted our traumatic events different. I can only hope that the person will seek out the help they need someday, instead of continuing the path of self destruction.

I don't feel like anything happened here. I don't feel like I helped anyone or made an impact. It maybe strange that I feel that way. I'm also sad that I couldn't help the person that I had come to care for.

~~~

This is the LAST post made in Boston! This is the end of the Boston era!

I told

I told someone that I like how I feel. I may have messed things up with my expression, but I'm ok with that. Even if I've ruined everything, and I never fall for anyone again, I'm glad this happened. It was a man/ male person, and the first person that I don't regret having feelings for. Usually, I pick losers but I feel like this person has always been the same and will continue to be the same after I express myself, and even if they aren't I'll be happy with just having known them. I still do want to put my attraction towards people aside, but this feeling reminds me of what I fight for.

The love of community is the most important thing in my life. I will always have love. I don't know what love will ever look like in any part of my life but I have it and I'm thankful that I do. No matter how much others hurt my feelings or no matter how much I hurt my own feelings I'll always come back for the power of love compels me! No matter how much pain there is, love and joy is also there! I can never give up on humanity because I know we need each other.

How to Respond to a Rape Survivor

Kaada - Thank You For Giving Me Your Valuable Time.

For you...

I wish I could hug you
Shatter that jaded shell of adulthood
All that anger to just fall off that child like sand
I want to kiss you, cuddle you, love you
Tell you everything is going to be alright
I don't how or when but we all have to have faith that one day everything will be alright
But, I can't do that at all
In fact, I will never see you again
And it makes me sad in my soul

Zika Addiction

(Written while I was still in Boston. Posted after I left.)

I am considering taking another break from couchsurfing for a while. My most recent host from Boston uses couchsurfer for shopping. You know what I'm talking about. We had a talk earlier that day and I thought I was going to be able to think of them in a cool way up until I left, but the universe reminded me that sex rules all expect me.

The other guest had been there for 2 days, most of the talking they did was from the host, she said she might have Zika AND THE HOST TO BE AT WORK IN AN HOUR and they had sex. Are you real? That's just too much for me. That's just way too irresponsible for me to maintain respect for them. They seriously put sex before their well-being and livelihood. I know it happens all the time, but I don't associate with people that do that kind of thing. I can take this for what it is, because as of now my only other choose is the streets but after this I'm never speaking to them again. I'm probably never coming back to Boston again if this is all I can get.

To be honest with you while I'm here I'm interested in observing this behavior. There seems to be a need to be surrounded by people even though it's been expressed that it's undesired. I'm disgusted but not so much to ignore it. Something deep is going on with this situation by psychological means and I don't want to turn a blind eye to the educational value of this experience.

Once upon a time I wanted to fit in with mainstream culture. Yes, they are miserable, and they are miserable together. They have community and each other to turn to in their suffering. But, now I see I don't want to suffer like them. I don't want to suffer with them. I don't want to suffer at all and being away from them is the only way to do that. What happens with my isolation I don't consider suffering. I will not look for their approval. I will not be upset with them, anymore. I will just observe them.

Wanting things I don't want?

I use to feel very content with being alone and I preferred to be that way. I can feel my companionship hang ups subside as I feel the increasing desire for others to share my moments and memories with.

Love at first sight is all about appearance and preferences. It doesn't have anything to do with the person/s, themselves.

Animals are more dependent.

The person that I am, and the person that I want to be will always be different people. I want to abandon the desire for companionship, but I don't want it to be by hateful means. I usually express myself in such an angry, frustrated way - as to what I'm use to. I love people but I don't want them. I really don't understand it. I want everyone to be safe and happy, and banish the harmful people, but I would rather be overseeing them than with them. I would rather observe their happiness and harmony than be apart of it. I absolutely hate it when people are mean to each other, but I can handle it when people are mean to me. I wouldn't say I'm so quick to banish people for no reason. People that commit crimes against their fellow man should be banished, and it should be based directly on action and intention than morality.

I understand that I need people. And, in a need a want would make the need more rewarding, but it has turned into too much want. It became a thing that I got use to and mindlessly wanted more of. It kept getting me what I wanted, but I now want my wants to change. Others can really only help so much, and I can't be afraid to go out on my own. My only excuse is trying to get to know a new area in the easiest way possible, but I manage to get around when no one is willing to help me.

I need to dig through this dependent ego I've developed and get back into my own bubble what I truly believe is my role in this life. People are such a fun distraction, but I can put aside the pain with the joy to be the overseeing force I strive to be.

Do I appear rueful for being social?

Theta: Overwhelming Righteous Boston

The people that offered the place and job reneged their offer. They originally said  it was for security issues because I left so quietly, but I don't believe that. I really think it was my attitude towards some of the behavior that goes on in the house, and the fact that those disrespectful kids had sex on the couch. There's also a past issue of someone else that they tried to help and ended up ripping them off.

I feel it's for the best. I was getting frustrated with the temp service operation and Boston's layout really pisses me off. And, I think I made it clear about how I feel about sexual behavior in my last post. I feel like things like that should be handled more discreetly when their are other people in close proximity. Don't have sex in the living room (more so when it's attached to someone else's sleeping area AND there are other guests in the same room with you), and close the door to your bedroom. If you're the loud type that can't be helped, but closing the door is an "at least we tried".

They said that they talked to the other roommates about the situation, but when I talked to the others 1 said they weren't told anything and they others only knew that I left but they didn't say anything about any "security issues", and didn't give the impression that they knew I was still allowed in the apartment but that I was leaving soon due to the change in decisions.

I don't like being lied to, but it's probably for the best. No more drama needs to happen in the house than need-be. I was told traffic in the house would deceased due to the security issues, but there are other behind that, if that's even a truth to go on. Not that matters to me, but it came up so it's to be addressed too.

Unfortunately, this is a host with a one sided view of the respect and boundary lines between guests and hosts. I didn't have the talk I usually have with my hosts about understanding that we are equal in the risks we take and getting their views on how general respect is handled. But, with the other things that went on I think I've seen and learned enough from their end. It's disappointing that I didn't get my end out in the open, but that doesn't matter now either. This host doesn't do a good job of getting to know their guests before unloading their ideals on them. It's what happens when the cause(s) take over.

I would like to think a need for slow down was seriously considered instead of being a cover up, but not everything that needs to be slowed down will be.

~

.Hack field titles recurring theme, now. I'm going to see if any keywords fro the real game series will ever apply to a post and use those. A little extra something for the .Hack fans and if you still have the games maybe visit those areas.

Lana Del Rey - Once Upon A Dream (Kristijan Majic Remix)

Lancor - Cobalt Blue (feat. Liar)

Are Open Relationships OK? feat. DaveyWavey

Beta: Disrespectful sexual white boy

As I've started writing this I still haven't gotten a fill nights, sleep, but I will post this AFTER I have. My typing isn't all that great on 3 consecutive nights of very little sleep.

I'll take from the top on how I ended up at the airport: Right now, I'm staying with some people in Boston for I have agreed to help them with a civil rights related cause. It's my usual women's right stuff, but I'm happy to have the opportunity in any case, and I'll be making some money. A white cis het male guest came in and he was ok for about 5 seconds before I started getting negative vibes from him. Some emergency female guests came in, the host and guests went to a party, and sure enough someone came back to the house and had sex.

I sleep on the couch in the living room when there are few or no guests and the large closest when their are many. I originally volunteered the couch to one of the females, but the male hopped in with her. The host said if they have sex put a sheet under them because other people use that couch and it's an open space. I included that I sleep on the couch when no one else is here and only half joked about going back to Providence if they had sex on the couch. I was not ok with laying in anyone's juices, and the couch is really the most comfortable thing to sleep on! Also the sheer disrespect for me as a roommate and the host. If I'm going to be in a chaotic disrespectful environment I can go back to the shelter in Providence. At least, in the shelter they have community connections and housing programs. The punk scene in Providence is good, too.

The next day I talked about it with them long after the females left and he repeated that SHE was the one that was clear on having sex with a sheet between them and the couch. It was like I was the only one that caught his underlined disregard and that she was one to have a strict respect for the rule about the couch.

The next night it was only him as a guest, so I was going to sleep in the living room on the futon and continue giving the couch to guests. The futon isn't great but it's better than sleeping bag on the floor. We had a talk as guests about other couch surfing experiences and HE brought up the subject of female hosts that only host females. I said the reason was for the advertised threat of violence against women, and sometimes it's a situational thing.

He came up the reason of women not wanting to address the sexual tension they might have with their guests. I admitted that was a possibility on a case by case bases, but that's not the main reason. He actually tried to back-and-forth with me on and and even yelled over what I was saying to be the dominate one in the conversation. I usually yell back, but people where going to bed like we were, and I wasn't going to stoop to his level while everyone was cooling down. If it had been a different setting I would have easily proved that it takes a lot to out yell me. He's convinced himself that a female having a weak sense of sexual integrity is the MAIN reason why there are some females that choose to host only other females.

Picking up that the kid is a misogynist I moved myself back into the closest and he asked about it. I didn't answer and said good night. When he first came in the host asked if I was taking the closest and when I said yes the host said his stuff will stay outside the closest RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. In asking about it while I was in there he no respect for my space, and was already planning to take it away from me as if he were entitled to it. If it were humanly possible to punch all of the blood out of someone's body in one blow I would know how and I would have done it the next day outside, because I would never want to mess out the nice living room. But, before I left I questioned him on how much longer he would be in the house. He said the host gave him permission to stay as long as he needed to, as his situation was so unclear. THAT'S why I left the apartment. I packed my stuff that morning and texted the host that I left and I would be willing to return when the kid was gone if they were ok with it.

This child has no regard for boundaries or personal space, and has no respect for anyone. Between those events I had to cutting him off for cutting other people off while speaking so they could finish what they were saying. I even had to tell him to shut up after he kept trying to go back and forth with someone else on a different issue. The host was there and jumped in a changed the subject on that one, though.

And, yet I was the only one to see how poorly mannered and freeloading this kid is. I asked the host and another roommate about him before I left and they said he was ok and they hadn't seen any of his ugliness. Mind you the other people in the apartment are male, with various gender identities, but still very male. Sex happened again (with different people) that next night which is an added annoyance to my lack of sleep, but I wouldn't care if I hadn't heard them. With the kid I was worried that he would intentionally do something gross and I would still end out sleeping in bodily fluid. All that really had me looking forward to Minneapolis. I want to get all this over with and leave all this behind me.

I needed to spend last night at the airport. I got a little more sleep than I had the past 3 nights (the first night of lack of sleep is left out, as it is unrelated to all this. Like I said, the futon isn't that great.) I needed to vent online and get a few more zzz's than I had been getting, though the airport wasn't that comfortable. Once in a comfortable position, I could ignore most of the noises. No one was having sex near me was what I cared most about at that point.

Happy Leap Day to me, huh?

~

Looking at this after I've had sleep there is only one part I took out. The rest of it's staying, but that I took out has to do with a change I'll be making on my CS profile, so it will be seen in it's own way, anyway.

The joke with the title is .Hack related. If you know what .Hack is high five your screen! You get the joke! If you don't know what .Hack is, I recommend a look see.

Sometimes, one looks back

I recently looked at the blogs and art on sites that I've been on (and off) of for a long time. There are a few site that I've been on for 5 to 10 years, already. On some blogs I could go back as far as '09. To me, that's a long way back - it was 3 years before I got my GED. That means it was after the main part of my depressive stages as a teenager after I dropped out of school There are some things that I thought would change with time, or would change when I changed the environment, but it turns out that a personality doesn't change.

What can be said is that the changes that were made were no-doubt necessary for my own sake. I'm glad I'm no longer in that place, with those people, doing those things. No more bad company due to lack of self worth. No more "so-called" loved ones only using me and denying me my true self. So many personal wars have ended, while other small battle rage on, but I know that closure doesn't exist. Battles and wars will continue for as long as I live. I will try to make the wars shorter, and the battles less bloody, but that is all I can try to do.

[YPIV] Undertale Sans x Frisk || Crazy In Love

Terrible Lies

When I saw younger I couldn't believe our government would do anything that would hurt us. I saw so trusting. I didn't believe anyone that people would trust to put in authority would do anything to hurt us... But, then I turned 13.

PHASES - I'm In Love With My Life [Mystery Skulls Remix]

LUBE 101!!

A change of style

As someone that;'s been presenting as masculine for a long time, the wave of change has the idea of presenting as feminine is coming on. I've been growing out my hair and nails, looking at more dresses and shirts... I've been afraid of being feminine because of the violence that comes with it in American culture, but I can't let other people scare me out of my will anymore.

This is a violent country, in general, mind you - but the feminine seems to attract more violence as it is advertised as "the weak". There are so many elements to our culture at support this. On the other hand, some people will still insist on letting "women" go first, which really becomes a hindrance and annoyance in certain crowds. No, I don't want to go first because of my genitals. I don't want to be pitied, I want respect, but there seems to be no way to earn it. The long list of what a "real woman" is makes itself defeating as to the roles and "usage" of those that identify as women. "Real women have curves" "Real women support themselves." "Real women are at home with the kids." The list goes on until it comes back 360 and all women are just fake. Combine that with the list of "Real men" and the invisibility of intersex, and no one is a real person at all. We are just figments of our imaginations. Products of our own design, and nothing else outside of that is suppose to exist. A reflection of our desires, despite ourselves. We are all composed of the wills and purposes of another?





















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Happy Lunar New Year! Year of the Monkey!

Why Do People Hate Fangirls?

Vicarious

Someone once outwardly told me that they wanted to live vicariously through me, as a traveler. I was a little creepy by it, but I had sympathy for the person and their situation. As we got to know each other, my sympathy lessened and my wariness of the person increased. That aside, it's the feeling that goes along with the idea. It is really a good intended thing to want to do something through someone else, not even by real proxy?

Once upon a time, I thought it would be a good idea to have sex with someone because I know that a way to get aura to rub off on someone is to make it a literal thing. They rejected me (, and I'm glad they did) and I turned jealous of their luck. They had other factors working for them, however - they are a heterosexual, tall, college educated, white male - my antithesis. It also dawned on me that I would not be as privileged as many of my traveling counterparts, but for some reason THAT really hit me. I've heard of white travelers getting rides where as colored travelers have a much harder time, and have to work harder to be able to get traveling tickets. I've mostly traveled by bus, and of my own conviction for the sake of my safety. I also have to worry about myself as a female. At least if some freak tries to attack me on a bus I will have the opportunity to publicly humiliate someone with me being in the right. I'll do my best to beat the shit out of them, as well.

Now-a-days, I've opened myself up to rideshare options. Having to buy a ticket all the time is taxing, and since I know I will beat the fuck out of someone if they try anything I'm very secure with myself in the situation. It's all about the instincts to feel out a situation, though. If anyone gives someone any red flags that means don't do it. It's a learned behavior for many but I hope everyone isn't put in such a dire situation that means they wouldn't be able to come back from it. There's also the traveling safety measures - take pictures of the plates and contact trusted people on who you're with and where you're going. You can even go with the "If you don't hear back from me in this amount of time call the cops/ other trusted persons". I'm also carrying more than my hand-to-hand skills as a weapon.

I don't see why anyone would want that, though. Why life through a person with such insecurities and standards? I choose the hard way of doing this; I know there are much more privileged travelers but whatever means they've come by. Have a vehicle gives them more privilege over me, and also more responsibility with said accessibility. Why want to do anything by proxy of someone at the bottom of the social food chain? It logical for me to envy someone at the top, but what do you gain from admiring someone at the bottom? I just can'[t understand.

So much

A lot of time has come past with a lot of events. I've joined and left fandoms. Fallen in and out of love with places and people. Joined and left communities - some communities even being shut down while we were having fun. I think I've grown a lot since my last blogger post (on the previous blog page), but a lot goes on in a person's 20s. I've become a dedicated traveler, which is a path that I know is going to get me where I want to be as a person.

I've tried over sites, but Blogger really is the best place for me to post my serious feelings. I want to keep track of them, because I want to keep in mind who I was to help me appreciate who I am. I've been through a lot, so far, and I know I have so much more to go. My personality and values are going to be the last things to change, but how I handle things always varies with a situation. I'm actually move serious than I have room to be, because I want o go with the flow. It makes thing easier, and I feel like it's the best path to keep me from being an angry person.

I'm coming to the point in my life where I'm coming to terms with my chooses, and I have to stop bashing myself for everything I do. So far, a lot of what I've done has gotten me where I want to be, but maybe not in the ideal situation that I would want to be WITHIN the bigger picture of it. I've gotten more into my spirituality and self-care. I still belly dance, but I've decided against making it a marketable skill (at least for now). Yoga, and those other things are still going on when they can. Due to recent conditions I haven't been able to get a lot of sleep or do self-care things, but even that has changed now and will change even more in the future.

I do more than just women's rights and LGBTQ rights, now-a-days. I focus on everything linking to racial justice - mass incarnation, Black Lives Matter, poverty, and so on. I also promote alternative/ self sustaining ways of living - squatting, permanent camping, earth-shares, etc. Many times I've considered traveling with a political theme, but it seems like that would disrupt the "going with the flow" thing. I keep from burning myself out by addressing matters as they come up, rather than walking around with everything on my back all at once.

And, still today... I'm very much still a bi and trans individual. I've become more proud of myself in a racial way. I use to be a very unhappy black person. Now, I'm a mildly discontent black person, but more so because how other people address me over how I address myself. Police brutality is the HEADWAYING issue, so it's show up and show out time for all the modern negros.

One recent theme that really been getting on my nerves - on a personal level, is when I say something about "my future wife" men really the need to make the interrogation with "or husband, you never know". First of all, I don't need to be corrected. What I said was right, and if I want your input I'll tell you what it is. Secondly, I'm not here for you to adjust for your amusement. Third, if you wouldn't do it to a men, don't to a woman/ female/ vagina wielder. Or, if you wouldn't do it to a hetero don't to it to a bi, gay, etc - or vise versa. Forth, with that attitude way would I want a husband. You're already showing me that men don't have any respect for me so why should I put up with that? I don't need someone with a penis to own property or sign documents. I'm not reproducing. I can lift and open my own things, and when I can't I have tools to help me. I basically don't need men, for the "purpose" of "being men". They're cool to hang out with, when they aren't being misogynists or any other kind of hate, just like any other non-male/ man person. That's all they mean to me. I'm still very sexually attracted to men, but that's nothing sexy about misogyny and the patriarchy.

Time to move forward

Hello!

I'm putting down my sadness about losing my account information to http://inuyoujo.blogspot.com/ and continuing on here.

Blogspot was my most consistently kept blog, because it's solely dedicated to that, so there's no reason to not keep it going. I've had this account long to prove to myself that I'm more responsible with my account info, and I will not re-enable the back-up/ second log-in feature, this time. When I changed phones, I couldn't log back into my out account. The phone broke, actually, to no fault of mine - but I lost my account, which is unacceptable.

So, moving on and making the same mistakes.