this happened a few days ago, but it took me a while to process it. Someone whose opinion I value very greatly did a video about how society stigmatizes men oh, and I really felt it. It was definitely the video that I was meant to watch. However, it added more stress and Trauma to the idea of binary transition to being a trans man. People already treat me a certain type of way for being black so adding the stigmatism of being a black man on to it makes such a decision very counterproductive to my actual personality and intentions and this lifetime.
I'm not worried about transphobia, or what my life is like before passing. I'm worried about what my life will be like after passing, if I commit to this decision. While being treated as a binary woman, there's some people that don't take me seriously or think I'm too bossy or aggressive. And honestly, I'm okay with that. I love burning people that only want to be around submissive personalities away from Me. Only the Strong will survive in my court! but in a lot of socio-political standpoints, I won't even get a chance to speak, because instead of not being taken seriously and people letting me in at least for window dressing, people won't want to let me in at all because they will be me as a threat. I know what it's like to feel like a threat, and how people react when they just want the threat to be neutralized and not listen to what they have deemed as a threat has to say.
No, is being treated like window-dressing detrimental? Of course, it is. Just because you're there doesn't mean you represented. I'm being ignored and used is really shity. But that's how you can use your platform for good. I've infiltrated many spaces under the guys that I'm harmless for being a female bodied person. sometimes, the thing that you're doing is just sitting there and listening, so you can go back and tell the others what's really going on, because sometimes they're counting on you being black also meaning that you're uneducated and that you don't have an opinion. And everyone in your social circles are the same way.
I know I won't get that as a black man, in most cases. And the few spaces I will be let into, I will be taken more seriously. But for the lack of social stealth, I would lose most of my functionality to the cause that I want to contribute to. maybe being a man would make me feel great, for whatever reason to myself. But, I don't know if I'm going to make the sacrifice of the spaces that I would lose access to.
A friend did suggest that if I feel strongly enough about it, but I wanted to just try it out I could just start hormones. I can stop hormones at any time. I've just never heard of people stopping hormones before, because by the time they get to that point they've already decided to make the full commitment into a binary transition. But there are some people that sit on it for a long time, like myself. But you can be on hormones for years and still not commit to anything else, and stop hormones and the effects will eventually go away. I'm very considerate of it at this point oh, just to see what happens. Maybe I don't want to binary transition, and hormones will help me figure that out. I have a lot to consider, but it's comforting to know that I have options.
