Creations// Possible schizophrenia

Since I got fired, I had to face the other day that I have been obsessive over other people's creations. So much to the point where I was pushing my own Creations aside. I still have a lot of apprehensions about posting my things in public, mostly due to various web sites rules and not so much feedback. But that's really no excuse to push my own imagination out and only be willing to observe others and not my own.

It got to a point where yesterday I had to decide to take a mental health break and not get on any social media and I even went without listening to music for hours. I had to enjoy the silence and be alone with my own thoughts. Maybe I was ignoring my own creations, and maybe I was trying to ignore myself for a long time. But it didn't get me anywhere I wanted to be. I also got way too deep into politics and social media, which are all toxic things. But at this point I can say the politics are more toxic because I have friends on social media. No one making the rules is anyone I would call my friend. We had a lot of political highs and lows happening all at the same time, but I really let all of it get to me.

After spending some time with myself and thinking about my thoughts, I feel significantly better, but there's still work to do. I might also have to face the fact that I have schizophrenia. Of course I haven't gone through the process of being diagnosed, because I just came across this idea some weeks ago. And even if I didn't, it might not be a reality that I would want to face. I saw a video that informed me on different types of Sensations that people with schizophrenia can have and when confronted with this information I just accepted the idea of accepting it a few days ago. People have major misconceptions about schizophrenia, and thinking that it's all the same diagnosis of multiple personalities and swatting at things that aren't there. Sometimes I feel stings bites and crawling on or inside my skin when there's nothing there. I don't hear voices but I hear soft sounds. It used to be worse when I was younger, but now I acknowledge that when I feel something it's very likely that there's nothing there or I'm being hypersensitive to a piece of dust brushing across my skin. At some point in the past, I do remember thinking, "I wish there was always something there when I felt something touching me so I would feel less crazy. Then again, that would mean that they would usually be something actually crawling on me and I probably wouldn't like that either."

Schizophrenia among other various thoughts went through an analysis and an archive. It was just a matter of spending time with myself in my thoughts and getting some creativity out.

Fired and pushed back places

Shortly after I made that last post, I got fired from that dank job a few weeks later. I know I don't want to be a cashier for the rest of my life, and there was no way they were going to force me to. Either they were going to promote me or I was going to quit or get fired, and this is the outcome. Seward Co-op was very much a terrible place to work with a hidden agenda for keeping people of color up front where everyone can see them and really giving them opportunities and higher paying positions. I couldn't even get a higher-paying Floor position, even though I got into a different department that didn't pay not one penny more.

At first I was very bitter over the particular incident that happened, because it involved my direct supervisor at the store manager setting me up to get fired. And since I had already put in my notice, on paper I quit so I couldn't file for unemployment. But now I look back on the entire situation, and learned plenty of new information to know that I am better off without that job in my life. And it's cold outside, so I don't want to do any more moving around than I have to! The job was also very physically taxing. Seward Co-op has terrible ergonomics and its cashier Pit, and the cashiers do way more bending and stretching than they should have to. I develop very serious neck pains and carpal tunnel in both my arms. I started visiting a chiropractor shortly before I got fired and continue treatment after, and both of those issues have cleared up nicely! I was making terrible pay and never got a raise until just before I got fired. It was not worth my time, energy, and certainly not worth my health!

People have been very generous to me and have been donating to help me cover my monthly expenses. I have also been donated food, so I certainly haven't been starving! I'm very appreciative to all the people that have reached out to help me in my great time of need, and I will be sure to pay it forward to others in need!

Unfortunately, this means I've had to push back my travel plans all the way to January! Seward Co-op was a shitshow from beginning to end. I started out only making $10.40 until a whole year where I went up a 25-cent raise and then they fire me an entire month before my notice, which led to me having to push back my trip. And having less time for the trip, I also had to cut out a destination. The destination was picked for other reasons, one of which the couch surfing scene being very deficient.

As usual, I have no idea how the trip itself will go. I'm not having much luck on finding a place to stay but my destination seem to have a lot of shelters available. I'm sure something will work out, and if it doesn't it's not like I have to stick with it forever.