Moving over!

Shit hit the fan on YouTube with a round of algorithm(?) based hard-perma-bans, so I'm moving everything I can to a new google email and making this email YouTude Only. With the expectation of some apps.

The new blog is: https://emoyoujo.blogspot.com/

i hate these people. i really do.

As of now, looking forward to leaving Minnesota.

decompressing about yesterday

I'm having some retrospective feelings about the person who accosted me yesterday. it would really be best if that person just hadn't done that. That's really extreme, even for an extreme personality like myself. I don't see how it makes sense for the store to have the security footage but then for me to go back 2 address someone to take their statement as a confession. They don't need a confession common or do they need to know your name or who you are. They just need your face so they can ban you. And after four years of sitting on that Grudge, this person never came across that idea. and even though I didn't like the person anymore, I went out of my way to tell them that they got banned instead of them possibly trying to come back to repeat the offense and then getting approached for returning. That's how they do it where I used to work. And if a person comes back, they could call the police. I was trying to save this person to seem, but I'm probably never going to do that again. and thinking about it, I probably should have done in the first place seeing as how I already decided that I didn't want anything to do with this person that after I felt like they ghosted me. Go to show I should give my loyalty to people who actually deserve it. that was some serious fucking mental illness to approach someone in that setting over 4 year old Grudge that doesn't make any goddamn sense, when basic logic is applied.

I'm not saying I'm never going back to the soup kitchen, but I'm obviously not going back anytime soon. I'm not planning on being in this state another 4 years, so never going back is within the realm of possibilities, but not set in stone. But the way they handled that was bullshit. That is a setting where it could have easily been someone having a mental health issue that I genuinely didn't know and I could have actually been in danger. I feel like if I had been in a place of business they would have told the person to leave. It sucks that I have to pay to be able to sit peacefully in public, compared to a space that set up for people to be there for free.

I've experienced this before. Always depends on the person who handles it. Sometimes she gets done and sometimes it doesn't, but usually in a place where people are paying for something, issues get handled a lot more assertively and escalated to aggressively if they need to. in places like soup kitchens in libraries, they just let things be. Don't even have people in there, like in this situation, but don't even know how to handle conflict. I don't see why anybody would be okay with having staff and volunteers at don't know how to handle conflict in the setting that involves dealing with the public. Especially, specific groups of people.

/Decompression

4 year Grudge

On Halloween, the spookiest day, something scary happened!

4 years ago, I briefly met someone that I was interested in being friends with and I started talking to them. Shortly after we talked, that one time, they left town without telling me, and I felt ghosted. 

I was very upset about that, and then later was pulled into a meeting at work that updated us on people that were recently banned from the store. That person was in there, for shoplifting. I sent them a very upset Facebook message about it how I felt about being ghosted and told them to not bother to come back to the store because they were banned for shoplifting.

They sent me a message on a different Facebook account and I didn't read it and blocked both the Facebook accounts.

Today, the person came into the soup kitchen and aggressive reset down next to me and talk to me for 10 minutes about how food and health are important. I told them that I don't know who they are and I don't know what they want, and they got increasingly aggressive. It's been years since I've seen this person, so I really didn't remember them.

There's no security there, so I told one of the volunteers what was going on, and they absolutely deflated under Pressure. They had no conflict resolution skills, and no confidence. After I told the volunteer, the person finally told me who they are and what the problem was.

The problem was that they thought the store had the security questionable footage, and I confronted them only with a guess that it was them, and then took their following reply back to them to confirm that it was them which resulted in them getting banned. What actually happened was those are expensive security cameras that can get you in both black and white and color. With the quality of those cameras, I could see that person's face very clearly. And there's no logical reason for me to tell someone that they are banned if I'm not absolutely sure it's them, anyway.

the person also believe that they would have been confronted right then, but that's not how that works at every place. And stores like Target and Walmart where it's someone's job to watch the security cameras, that would be the case. But our place is one of many local businesses that does not have any designated security/ loss prevention staff, so the person who watches the cameras also has a lot of other duties and can't actually watch the cameras in real time. They will review footage later to see if anything happened, but the chances you'll get caught on the spot is unlikely. If you happen to be pilfering when the mod or store assistant manager is sitting at the camera computer, you drew the unlucky straw. but I told the person not to come back, not out of anger, but if they had returned they would have been confronted.

I don't know if my loyalty has a price, but the place was paying me $10 and something cents an hour, and I know my price is higher than that! And it would take a lot for me to report someone especially for shoplifting, because life is hard. if there's a company out there that will pay me enough money and treat me with enough respect to care when somebody shoplifts from them, I would like to work there. NO GONNA HAPPEN! THAT PLACE DOES NOT EXIST!

We clear up the misunderstanding, and chatted for a while. But I won't be going back to the soup kitchen, because I no longer feel safe there. What if it wasn't an issue that could have been reasonably resolved? If I had been in actually danger, none of the volunteers would have have the tools to properly handle the situation. It is relieving that I found out that the space is unsafe in a tame situation, rather than something terrible actually happen and gettimg hurt. this isn't the ideal time of year to have to find a new place to hang out, but free food isn't worth my safety.

What was the scary thing that happened? A CAPITALIST BOOTLICKER DYSTOPIAN VERSION OF ME HAS BEEN PRESENTED TO THE UNIVERSE!

closing the mental and emotional drain

Unlike most subjects, I've talked about this one a lot since it happened, and I've gotten feedback, and it has been another development. This all happened in rapid succession.

so, a few weeks ago I offered to help a friend with a relationship situation. The people that are involved in my housemates, and I would rather be friends with people that I live with. Fully, but still offering to help where I can.

A few days ago, the person asked me to see if I can find any unbiased individuals to help their relationship mend in the communication area. I go out and try to find at least in my professional people that know how to facilitate space for them to get themselves right in.

the other one, who I've never talked to you about this goes out and do whatever process comes across someone that I know that as far as I know doesn't have experience in facilitating communication space. I'm saying as far as I know, because I talk to this person on various occasions but we never talked about anything like that. And I have my own set of assumptions that comes from my frustrated mind, but I really don't know if this person has experience in that area or not.

they tell me that they picked this person after I found someone who has already decided to accept them who has experience in holding mental and emotional space, with a small fee. the statment was presented to me by the person who has asked for my assistance that all parties have definitively agreed on the situation. The person that they picked to help the has asked me to meet with them to talk about my relationship with them and how I feel being around them, and is sitting on "maybe" with deciding to help them.

But, between the time that they told me about the person, and the person contacting me, I told them that I would no longer be involved in their mental and emotional situations. I went out of my way to try to find good quality resources, and they don't care. the person I found accepted them, and they rejected them for somebody who might not even get involved. I don't know if they have a back-up plan. I don't know what led this to this decision. All I know is I'm pissed off that I wasted my time and energy trying to help them when I feel like I put forth my best efforts and gathering resources.

I plan on continuing to contribute to the household as a community member, and of course I will use direct and blunt communication whenever issues arise. But their mental and emotional stuff is what I'm done with.

for as hellish and chaotic as my last house was, I'm now glad that I went through it. I'm setting much stricter boundaries much quicker, and I know I'm better off that way.

trying to get to general Assembly next year! // other travel plans!

I've already put in ten times more effort than previous years to try to get out to the Unitarian universalist association general Assembly! Next year it will be in Providence Rhode island, and I love Providence Rhode island! biggest my biggest issue in Providence Rhode island is that it's a small population and not a whole lot to do. My other biggest issue is that it's one of those small places that spread out making it hard to access. They could definitely stand a condensed Providence Rhode island, because there's not a whole lot there. And condensing it would make it more accessible. And will probably give it more stuff to do.

but if ever in my life I really wanted to hardcore settle down and have some serious peace and quiet, I know where to go. like, I'm in my fifties, I have adopted teenagers, ready to raise my kids. And then whenever I feel spunky, I can go hit up a rave at a warehouse squat. And I can do it anytime without any expectations. If I'm really bored is not hard to get to other places with more population and more events.

Back to the more near future! It would take a lot to get me to pass up going to Providence Rhode island again. I don't know if I qualify for any youth grants, outside of my age and being a person of color in lgbtq I'm not in any leadership roles at a congregation I'm not even a member of any congregations. If I don't qualify for any grants, I'm going to sign up as a volunteer and just hope and pray that I have the money to cover my travel and other expenses to get me too, enjoy my time while I'm out there, and get me from.

The following year is Milwaukee Wisconsin. I'm not going to go out of my way to get to Milwaukee, but if I move to Madison by that time, it's not inconveniencing me to go.

The following year is Portland Oregon. That's big maybe. But if I make the track all the way out to Portland I'm going to want to be out there for at least two weeks. But I'm not all that inspired to go out to the West coast anymore. And even and looking at it from a distance, Portland is overrated.

AND 2023 IS THE IRREFUTABLE, UNDENIABLE, UNMATCHABLE, REMARKABLE PITTSBURGH PENNSYLVANIA! Somebody would have to do a lot to keep me out of Pittsburgh Pennsylvania! Hopefully by then, I'll live there or I'll live somewhere close by. I highly doubt I'll still be here. But wherever I am I'm going to make all my efforts to get out to Pittsburgh Pennsylvania!

I'm not trying to be in Minneapolis Minnesota in 2023. Something tells me that this place isn't going to change. At least not for the better. It's definitely going to change for the worse in terms of gentrification. the good thing about Minneapolis is that it's not hard to get out of there. I can go to Omaha, Lincoln, Madison, Chicago, and a long list of other places if I'm going to go any further south. But really, I'm looking at Omaha a lot because I haven't been there yet. I just need a reason to go down there for a community that I connect with, and Branch off on my own from that connection. 

Iowa isn't totally out of the question, but it sounds like every place in Iowa would be too small for me. But I'm totally not opposed to visit. It's always better to see for myself. Iowa City, Boise, and Des Moines.

as long as I know I want to go I have a better chance of being able to get there!

talking to supportive people

hard to believe I didn't make a blog entry about this, but few weeks ago I talk to my spirit mom. Someone has been very supportive of all of my foolish antics! We mostly talked about politics, because I didn't have much life updates oh, but they was something uplifting about talking to her, just as a like-minded positive force. 

talking to her really brought about a breath of fresh air that I didn't even know it's hidden. I suddenly abandoned the self-imposed stress that I was putting on myself of how I feel like I should stay in Minneapolis through some Universal responsibility. I have ultimately decided to stop racking my brain, and stay here until after the election next year, but I feel much less forced about it. much less stressed out about my decision, because at first I felt like I was stuck. But now I know that I consensually want to be here for a list of other reasons. I was put on this planet, in this life to party, and anything that gets in the way of my party is in the way of My overall livelihood! So I'm going to continue to be adventurous and party hard. I don't owe anyone anything, especially not my time or health. Somehow talking to her about politics with suddenly better than talking to my therapist. Not that I'm going to stop seeing my therapist, but I just felt so much better hearing her voice. I really can't explain it with words. It was all something I felt!

when I talked to her some weeks ago, the job trainings that I just posted about we're nowhere on my radar. I'm hoping that in a few more weeks I'll have more exciting things to talk about that are actually going on in my life instead of the distraction of politics. with or without a job, the job training will be very useful. And having more skills might do more to change my perspective.

Speaking of prospective, I'm very thankful to have a roof over my head and live with people that don't fight or starting drama with me. But there's a lot of drama that goes on between them that rubs off and how they communicate with me. And they also have their own mental health issues that affect their communication. things are difficult here, some of it due to mental health, and some of it due to very obvious choices. Recently there was a housemate that was using a broken can opener and leaving the cans have cut with the cut part of which is the very obvious sharp objects safety hazard. And of course they were leaving me the objects in a shared refrigerator. 

The first time they did it, I cut myself on it because I didn't think to try to use a knife to pry it open. The second time they did it I knew that they were too comfortable with the safety hazard so I had to send them an email asking them to stop. But Me being the adult that I am is very frustrated that any other adult would think that's acceptable, in the first place. there's common sense, and then there's identifying potentially dangerous situations. We should all know that sharp objects and rigid edges produce potentially dangerous situations. No matter what your background is; no matter what culture you grew up in. There is nowhere in this world that I know of where sharp objects don't  mean (potential) danger. 

I read my Tarot on being able to move out different housemates, and the cards that are saying that I'm stuck where I am. The part of me wants to see if I can live alone again. If I really wanted to, I would make it work. But I don't, because when I'm alone every little noise freaks me out. I love being able to walk around the house naked, but is it worth the anxiety attack I have every 5 seconds from every random Creek and snap?

I can function better with the idea of this is where I'm supposed to be. I know how to handle them for now. even though it's frustrating that I have to address things that I feel it basic, it's better to address them than to let them sit and rot on my mind and emotions. and I'm hoping that these new skills from the trainings will open up my opportunities in the to where I don't have to worry about getting a job when I decide to move to a new area. I'm still looking at Madison Wisconsin. being the traveling forklift driver sounds way cooler than being a traveling dishwasher, for me!

I trust that they're better housemates out me out there for me in different states. It's up to me to get out of Minnesota and find them! and if I can find a place that's as open-minded as Minneapolis, with little to no passive aggressiveness and less brutal Winters and Summers that's even better! an actual affordable housing, and communities that are active in fighting against gentrification!

pumpkin spice forklift driver!

I've been getting my basic bitch on with pumpkin spice latte mix and pumpkin spice hot cocoa mix! I have a very happy sugar and carbs filled belly! every now and then I very briefly care about having a flat stomach, but pumpkin spice and chai lattes are too good! I would rather be proud of my flawed body. And I'm starting to think abs look good on other people but maybe not so much on me.

I've always cared more about being strong than looking good anyway. I'm going to start exercising more in the future, hopefully. I have a very long stretched out plan for how I'm going to do this:

First I'm going to do the warehouse training and equipment operations training at a local program. Then I'm going to get a job at one of these warehouses that usually pays almost $20 an hour depending on the position. And then I'm going to get the gym membership and have lyft money! And then I will be buff as fuck! I do enjoy working out and exercising a general. I don't much care for watching what I eat and stuff like that. but I will say that when I have a normal exercise routine, I am more drawn towards healthier foods and less alcoholic behavior then otherwise. But the chai lattes aren't going anywhere!

I've been hanging out and partying hard very recently. Friends birthdays all piled up in one month. A very spooky month! And I do have Halloween plans. It's not a party, but a friend and I are going to go around and look at people's Halloween decorations! And we're going to go to another friend's house and watch scary movies!

Back to the warehouse stuff. The workshop and I'm going to is going to specifically teach me how to drive a forklift, scissor lift, Boom Lift, bobcat, and I'm going to get OSHA training. And the other workshop is going to teach me how to drive an excavator, a toolcat, and teach me computer basics. the flyer more specifically says computer self service is training. I have no idea what that means. It's probably a manager skill or something. I'm hoping I don't have to do the OSHA training twice, as both of the programs have the same 10 hours of OSHA training. 

Not only will whatever job I get with this help me come all my basic needs, but it'll be really tight if I could treat all of my friends did something spectacular on New year's day! And treat someone out to dinner and lunch on Valentine's day. And commissioned some more artist to draw my characters! And get the LG Stylo 5, because I'm officially sick of the Motorola E5 plus! But I do still like Virgin Mobile so I'm going to keep them. There's so much stuff I can do with enough money, and working in a warehouse I know I'll make it least $14 an hour. for what I'll be training in, I think that my maximum starting wage is $19 an hour in this area. 14 is the very least that I need, and 19 be more than enough! 

it's always a matter of getting a job that I like with a company I can stick with, where my co-workers aren't absolute garbage trash beings. and I know that warehouse settings is full of toxic masculinity and stuff like that, but I know the pen is mightier than the sword and I don't take any shit! one more queer black person on the team, and one less toxic heterosexual cisgender bro!

I'm looking forward to the future! Despite the near future being very cold!

The "men can't get raped" guy from a few years ago

Yesterday, at twin cities Zine fest, a person I met from a few years ago was there. This is one of many unfortunate people that I met at Minneapolis couch crash three or four years ago. This particular guy was an advocate for men not being able to be sexually assaulted, when -of course- A man was telling us about how he was sexually assaulted.

I'm glad I went to Madison couch crash, because if I had seen him without going I probably would have reacted differently. At the same time, he's really no one to remember. But I wanted to point out how withered he looked over just a few years since the last time I saw him. I don't know what he's been through, but he looked more almost 10 years older than the few years I saw him, and people around here are usually in pretty good health. Of course, health is also an individual thing.

it was kind of scary though. With him looking like that, I was thinking " Eww! how do I look?" Then again, I don't live in a world where I don't think men can get sexually assaulted, so it doesn't matter how I look!

Self Sept Tarot Card Readings

Spiritual guidance spread:

representing a disassociation that can be overcome with passion and motivation. Way more a card about my relationships and art than anything career of money oriented.

Self-healing spread:

this bread represents how I have been defeated and disappointed with past relationships, so I feel the need to take charge and be dominant. the cards are pretty straightforward and how I need to change my behavior and be okay with disappointment, or know that the disappointments aren't as bad as I make them out to be. The sun at the end of the reading represents the happiness that I desire. alternatively; the reading could mean that I need to change the people around me and form new more satisfactory relationships. Maybe my current circle has become disinterested.

Money tarot card spread:

the card say that I'm creative and enthusiastic but also angry about money. I feel powerless in my situation and how I feel about money is that a luxury to have or I feel luxurious when having it. the lesson that I need to learn is to be more enthusiastic, open-minded, and just have more positive energy and general towards attracting running, as represented by the prince of wands upside down. the actions that need to be taken for financial success is represented by the Queen of pentacles. I need to think of money is more of joy and entertainment than something that I actually need to have, I guess? I'm taking the reading this more than just have a positive attitude. I feel like it's being suggested what kind of positive attitude I should have specifically, and things are in status.

Success tarot card spread:

I am represented as both motivated and creative and kind, and yet avoiding passion and slothfulness. the hidden factor that I need to be aware of is represented by the prince of Swords who represents a fiery passion, being well-educated, and being witty.

the card that represents many people are things that can help me is the Queen of Swords upside down, so maybe an adversary will inspire me to do better. Someone who is an older person, probably a woman that is very skilled. also accounting that the card is upside down, maybe someone who is mediocre that I feel I need to put in their place. the card that represents what I need to be successful as the heritage, who represents discipline.

Trans man?

this happened a few days ago, but it took me a while to process it. Someone whose opinion I value very greatly did a video about how society stigmatizes men oh, and I really felt it. It was definitely the video that I was meant to watch. However, it added more stress and Trauma to the idea of binary transition to being a trans man. People already treat me a certain type of way for being black so adding the stigmatism of being a black man on to it makes such a decision very counterproductive to my actual personality and intentions and this lifetime.

I'm not worried about transphobia, or what my life is like before passing. I'm worried about what my life will be like after passing, if I commit to this decision. While being treated as a binary woman, there's some people that don't take me seriously or think I'm too bossy or aggressive. And honestly, I'm okay with that. I love burning people that only want to be around submissive personalities away from Me. Only the Strong will survive in my court! but in a lot of socio-political standpoints, I won't even get a chance to speak, because instead of not being taken seriously and people letting me in at least for window dressing, people won't want to let me in at all because they will be me as a threat. I know what it's like to feel like a threat, and how people react when they just want the threat to be neutralized and not listen to what they have deemed as a threat has to say.

No, is being treated like window-dressing detrimental? Of course, it is. Just because you're there doesn't mean you represented. I'm being ignored and used is really shity. But that's how you can use your platform for good. I've infiltrated many spaces under the guys that I'm harmless for being a female bodied person. sometimes, the thing that you're doing is just sitting there and listening, so you can go back and tell the others what's really going on, because sometimes they're counting on you being black also meaning that you're uneducated and that you don't have an opinion. And everyone in your social circles are the same way.

I know I won't get that as a black man, in most cases. And the few spaces I will be let into, I will be taken more seriously. But for the lack of social stealth, I would lose most of my functionality to the cause that I want to contribute to. maybe being a man would make me feel great, for whatever reason to myself. But, I don't know if I'm going to make the sacrifice of the spaces that I would lose access to.

A friend did suggest that if I feel strongly enough about it, but I wanted to just try it out I could just start hormones. I can stop hormones at any time. I've just never heard of people stopping hormones before, because by the time they get to that point they've already decided to make the full commitment into a binary transition. But there are some people that sit on it for a long time, like myself. But you can be on hormones for years and still not commit to anything else, and stop hormones and the effects will eventually go away. I'm very considerate of it at this point oh, just to see what happens. Maybe I don't want to binary transition, and hormones will help me figure that out. I have a lot to consider, but it's comforting to know that I have options.

Fell off my bike and going out of town

A goddamn bee flew into the ear chinstrap of my helmet and I spilled on the pavement! Fortunately I had my backpack and helmet on, so it wasn't as bad as it could have been. There was no traffic, so this was not the worst case scenario. My legs really hurt, I scraped my hand a little, but I completely lost my bike Bell.

it sucks that this is happening right before I go out of town. I hope that I'm not in too much pain, or else I'll have to cancel my trip to go to the hospital.

but I am looking forward to going out of town. Even though it's Madison Wisconsin, it would be great to meet some new people and see some different sites. I got hooked up with a host that lives close to downtown in most of the events that I'm going to attend, so it's pretty written in the stars for me to attend this event. I'm not looking forward to being stared at like a freak by white people, though.

No more collectors - update

It's been over a month since I heard from the debt collectors for the unfair debt, so I'm going to assume they swept it under the rug. I told them that I was unavailable without telling them who I am first, so they stop calling me. Play only reached out to me by mail once. I replied asking for the receipt with the debt, and never heard from them again.

as for the first collection agency that has been sighted for bad practice, they continue to call me for a few days after I repeatedly requested that they mail me the receipt of debt, but I haven't heard from them in weeks now. I honestly don't care about my credit being messed up. I just don't need strangers calling me, and I'm glad that I've learned the techniques to fend off debt collectors.

More debt collectors

I got turned over to another debt collection agency for a completely different issue, and I'm glad that I'm not biting my nails and pulling my hair over it. since it's from a debt that I believe is unfair, I might just have them chase me for years, and not pay it. They also have an area code manipulation system, which is already starting off their practice in bad faith. unfortunately for them, I'm a case where that backfires horribly. I intentionally keep my home area code with every new number, and I know that no one should know me from my home area code. So if they call me and they know me, let alone addressing me by my full name, I already know not to trust them.

as for the previous debt collectors, I requested proof of acquired debt, and proof of purchase and price. I basically asked for the receipt. They sent a copy of the claim item with it came from, but not the receipt. and I tried to get me to call a number instead of handling the business and writing, as I also requested. with these business practices, they're not going to get anywhere with me.

I did some research on that debt collections agency, and found out that they often commit very illegal Acts. They have cashed post dated check, which is very legal. And they money out of someone's business account without the person ever even have hearing about or from them before. they got the business information when one of the employees cashed a check at Walmart. They took the money out themselves without any sort of notice.

and my first contact with them over the phone, they told me that they check in every 7 to 10 business days. When filing a dispute, they're not supposed to contact you again for another 30 days. They were trying to trick me into calling them back, because maybe I would if I was expecting to hear from them and didn't. coming from an agency that claims to have all sorts of legality, any level dishonesty immediately puts the company in bad faith.

So I don't feel the least bit guilty about not paying them. these other people are going to see a dime either, if they don't give me what I asked for. I sent them the same request. I don't mind paying something if they're legit, but if they're scumbags like the first company - fuck them, too.

The Minnesota Shuffle

The Minnesota Shuffle

Losing a place to live due to shady landlords, "Minnesota nice" - meaning passive-aggressive, manipulative, shady housemates, or getting the building bought from under you and the new owners taking over your lease, or you're a family getting kicked out with only a month notice which is the legal minimum requirement

Changing jobs due to management micromanaging, manipulative shady employers, ignorant coworkers.

June: MORE LIKE DEBT MONTH THAN PRIDE MONTH!

This June didn't really feel like pride month, but I feel like I'm very over it with white queers, and that had a lot to do with it. I also feel like the city wasn't as festive with their pride garb and paraphernalia, this year. this weekend is quiet though, because a lot of people went to New York City for the Stonewall 50th anniversary celebration.

and that's only got caught up in an avalanche of debt. My main bank account closed, I got turned over to collections by my side bank account. My new main bank account logged me out, because the funds from my side account didn't transfer over because of an order that was supposed to be canceled. It's really been one bad luck thing after another, with money. And it's all because of these institutions. I would have been better off if I just paid cash for everything that I did.

every step to my friends to send positive energy my way to get the money Gremlins off me, and I'm going to look up rituals and spells myself. as terrible as this all is, I'm trying not to stress out about it because there's nothing I can do without any income. I'm looking for a job, but I would rather start in August or September, and make content all summer and do what I can for my own business while I have time.

I'm also tired of all this rigmarole and bouncing between jobs. As much as I wanted to hang out here until the 2020 presidential election, this is more into my doubts of whether or not I'm going to make it. this experience has been very unnecessarily difficult, but has somehow balanced out to being incredibly easy and other things, that distort my view on how much it's worth it. and I have a roof over my head and food in my stomach, which I'm very thankful for. But my financial situation is too fragile and falls apart at any slight push, and it's be shady, manipulating employers that make it that way. I got to figure out a way to get out and stay out of this rat race.

Learning authoritarianism an early age

coming from caddo Parish, I had teachers that blatantly admitted that they didn't care about how they treated us because they had 10 years and couldn't be fired easily. I had teachers that openly held grudges against students. we were taught that respect wasn't earned, it was gained over time, regardless of what the person actually was or was actually doing.

I was tired authoritarianism, totalitarianism, and the true nature of our country's punishment culture by the people that did not understand that respect and trust by the people that they oversee is what should earn a person authority. in our society, people gain authority with a sheet of paper and their own peers and teachers, and not the people that they will be interacting with and their work field.

we need a stricter peer review criteria for teachers. We need stricter standards for the people that at most of the people that live here trust their children with for most of the day. Teachers and School staff need to be tested and judged by the people that they will be overseeing. They should not be able to just become teachers and school and education staff. they should have to get to know the students, be tested on their teaching style and temperament, and be time tested before allowing to start teaching classes with that age group. of course the parents should have more of a say when it comes to smaller children, but when it comes to teenagers, they should get to choose their teachers. that would promote more diversity and inclusivity, and tear down the hierarchy of intelligence that our society has wittingly built up from capitalism and Academia.

Digital Nomad set up?

I've been talking myself into setting up to be a digital Nomad for my next round of travels, in a few years.

I'm starting to order things now, and joining social groups, and seeing what works. it's all a matter of equipment and being able to generate money. Mostly remote jobs. I want to be able to afford hostels and hotels, or build personal relationships from a long distance so I'll have someone that I know that I can stay with when I visit a place, while I travel.

I'm probably not going to totally get out of shelters, I've been played dirty by couchsurfing hosts too many times. Of course, I've met great people and had times I wouldn't trade for anything! But the bad times made me wish I could afford a hostel or hotel, and I don't want to have to wish for that anymore. Also areas that are saturated with certain types of people that don't like certain types of people -like myself-, and I can't find a place to stay, and there are either no shelters or they're all closed by the time I've realized I'm in trouble.

At the core, I need to be able to afford emergency transportation and lodging, or a last-minute bus ticket to a different location. In thriving success, I want to be able to afford leisurely transportation and lodging, and really enjoy myself in comfort. Staying with someone I already know in a comfortable setting would also be grand!

Full transparency, there is some great shelters out there. What sucks is having to walk around with all your stuff all day, unless you find a place to hide it or the rare occasion the place you're staying has access to some sort of cheap or free lockers. And I can stand to stay in the shelter as bad as the Salvation Army one in Colorado Springs or Cleveland for a week. the shelters were people really worse off are the ones with the early turkeys. Some shelters in New Mexico have a curfew of 4 pm. a lot of places still have free food and a place to sit your stuff.

I've been wanting change for a long time, though. And I'm now in the right position in life to be able to make that happen. I'm not going to waste this opportunity! And I hope more opportunities open because of this!

Lower priority to CS

with my recent experiences with couchsurfing, I decided to lower my priorities to the commitment of this region. I know that every place is different, but the Midwest is cutting up too bad.

Someone blocked me for calling them boring. Someone I haven't spoken to in over a year blocked me when I joined a recent event, and I haven't spoken to them directly since that year. someone in a different city declined my stay because they asked me for my number, and I asked them what they were going to use it for. I didn't reject or accept the request, I just asked them why they needed my personal number. the person just said "to help couchsurfers connect", and then declined my stay request and said "best of luck". What the fuck kind of shady bullshit is that?

After my first meet up, I also learned not to go too far out of my way for anything. Almost 30 people RSVP for my event, and three people showed up. I already knew one of them beforehand, who was invited as a community member and a prior friend. I like to host things and hold space, so I'm still going to have meetups, but I'm not going to go too far from my comfort zone to do it, because people won't show up. Putting out a lot and not get getting nearly enough back. No where near breaking even for all my effort.

Before those events, some would offer to help me co-host events. And then ghosted me ON FACEBOOK. Where I could see that the person read my messages, and just didn't reply. I messaged them reaching out to see where they were at was helping me and they didn't respond until after I said I can take the hint and I'll leave them alone. I didn't even bother to read what they responded, because it doesn't matter how they feel. If they had communicated over the week I gave to respond, it wouldn't have gotten to that point.

These people just don't have any respect for other people's time and effort. not going to stop hanging out, because I want to be in the community. But it's been made clear that this region's community is not the right one for me. And I honestly wouldn't suggest them to anyone.

Needed time off

there was a three-day blizzard, and I was unwell for all three of those days. And oncoming cold, and leg pain going up and down stairs.

coincidentally, before this I decided that I needed to take a break from work. A well needed break from the bureaucracy and chaos. An objectively good change was made, but no other decisions were made around it, so it offset a lot of our functionality. I feel very thrown under the bus as an employee, for the changes that they made for only one purpose that threw most everything else off. after a few conversations and asking HR what's going on, I got sick of it. More literally than I thought! I left work a week ago thinking about how I should take a break, and then a blizzard and sickness and leg pains blow in! And I got my tax return, so if the sick time I put in for doesn't get approved, I won't be suffering. But I'll be pissed off nonetheless, for the sake of employee rights.

And it doesn't help that are standing supervisor try to guilt me And to come into work. Or talk down to me about calling in sick. maybe I would have been more considerate had that not happened, but that fuckary cemented my decision to call out. Of course, I emailed HR, because it's not my job to confront people directly. if they want to fire me because I make it clear I'm not putting up with any employment class bullshit, I can find another job. Hell, I may have already! and I still better get my sick time, because I filed for it before they fired me! (Honestly, I like my job. I'm not going to put up with bullshit, though.)

I've made a lot of little purchases, but I finally got a new backpack and tablet to replace the ones that got stolen. Ordered a new phone, for an upgrade! Got a new air bed to replace the one that broke, last year. And I ordered a phone stand and USB microphone! I'm going to make ASMR and other content with those! I'm looking forward to making higher-quality video content, as I'm hoping it will be a viable source of income! I hope that people will enjoy my content, and feel compelled to donate to something that gives them Joy! even though ASMR is the goal, this equipment will open up a lot of other opportunities. Maybe doing voice overs and other stuff that I have thought about doing! I'm just excited about all the new possibilities that I'll be able to produce in a more acceptable quality!

I don't have the mental health for men

Last night, I made a comment among those waves. I felt like I was talking more about relationships in general, and I didn't say anything about men in that context. But we did spend some of the night bashing man in different contexts. When I finally got home, being is exhausted from work is my coworkers, I had a very related dream.

I remember the dream with a lot of its details intact, but the details that are important are the ones where I got into a relationship with a YouTuber and felt him up but then felt bad about it. He even asked me if I was okay, and I said no. it's like I feel bad for having an attractive boyfriend, because I didn't know what to do with myself or him. And we were at some kind of event or something. Aside from a scene about living at work and workers rights, the went back out to the event. By the way, that part of the dream was celebrity casted.

and then one of my crushes from elementary and middle school came up with his best friend. I even remembered both of their names! And the guy that actually had a crush on was super hot! Buy video game standards, pun intended.it was weird. He had the same face, but his body was totally different. He was all unrealistically buff. And his friend looked normal. We had a short interaction, and we didn't touch each other.

Ever since that last abuser from some years ago, I haven't had any realistic notions of trying to date men again. I understand why the YouTuber came in, because it's very inconsequential to be in a crush type of relationship with someone behind a screen, where you get to know everything about them but they don't even know you exist. But pulling up my crush from Elementary and middle School was very out there! but that is an implication of the dreams realistic value, for sure. And maybe his friend being there had something to do with it. All I remember is how tight they were, even though I didn't really like the other dude because he had a much more stank attitude. But if he wasn't meant to be a part of the message, he wouldn't have been there. Maybe he would have, I don't know. Maybe they're together now, and him also being in my dream is a representation of their soul linking Bond.

I don't feel like I have a lot to think about when it comes to men though. There were no women or others and that related part of my dreams. I do have a social anxiety about men, because they're more likely to commit violence. And the heteropatriarchy dictates that violence is acceptable. I don't want the responsibility of dating a man. Fortunately, I have many more options to choose from, so I don't have to worry about any of that! If I ever even want to try dating, again, that is! The game is played out, and I've already accepted my fate. I'm not worried about it. It's just very interesting in telling. It answered a lot more questions than it asked.

Speak of the devil

Today, I saw one of the people from 2619. If was in traffic passing, so no chance for confrontation, and the fool probably didn't recognize me. When I realized it was him, I laughed.

And I didn't feel angry. I felt empowered! I'm in a better house, now. with more caring, and compassionate housemates. I have a safer job that has guaranteed pay and benefits. I have my health, and a much better relationship with myself and the others around me.

I actually felt myself pitying him, for a brief moment. But, as always, he got himself into the situation that he's in now. I won't waste such feelings on insistent fools.

For a while, I wished for his death. Now, I can see that he's already dead.

Getting over 2619 (w/ Bennett Foddy)

I haven't seen my therapist and weeks, but I'm flushing out my feelings on various platforms, including talking to people in person. I feel myself starting to come down from the anger of what happened at my previous house. As I'm coming down from how I think about it, I'm starting to have violent dreams about the people I interacted with. I don't have any guilt to address, we're just having pity arguments that escalate. I guess that's a part of my emotional detox, but I am still on the path of changing my thinking. Those old people are invested in a crumbling platform. Broken relationships, built off of toxic intentions, and a house that can literally collapse at any moment due to the offset foundation. The most I think about it now is how much more it would convenient it would be to get to and from work on Lake Street. But now I think about it in terms of not willing to sacrifice convenience for peace.

I have peace in the home that I am residing in now, and I hope to have peace in my next location. and the convenience of getting to and from work wouldn't do me any good, if I were injured or died in a collapsed house. I wouldn't be able to focus at work with all the drama going on at the house. I want work to be work, not an escape from other tensions. I didn't feel like I came out a winner, initially, but I know that I did, and I'm going to start acting like it. I was forced out of a dysfunctional situation with toxic people, in a soon-to-be dilapidated house. and I was forced out, after I made the very poor personal decision of trying to be dedicated to it, so it's clear that the Universe has other plans for my mental, physical, emotional, and financial well-being.

On the subject of work, I've been going in less due to the weather. I've picked up on some of my former better habits of meditation, burning sage and incense, drinking more water, and doing my stretches more regularly. I've added on getting massages. I've also picked up some great detox teas!

It's also become apparent that my job is not a very reliable source of income, so I'm branching out to consider other forms of income. right now, the ideas to invest more in my art, and hopefully be able to monetize that and do commissions. More monetization of products, than personal commissions. I also might try to get in on that YouTube money - that apparently no one is making these days and everyone's going to patreon! of course, I have no intention of silly depending on YouTube, if I decide to do that. With its ad monetization flaws, censorship demonetization, and so many other political and social issues. I think my art is the best route, but the two routes that I've thought of our way better routes than depending on an inconsistent work and client flow.

Hopefully, the ups will keep going up.

"Don't nobody wanna know no gay people."

I don't remember the exact conversation that brought this about, but it's something that my biological mother said that really stuck with me. It was one of the early moments that I knew would bring me to the point of where I am now with disowning her.

And I thought it was really hypocritical of her to say with two of her "best friends" being gay. And two of her most successful friends by what I can measure. But, nobody wants to know gay people. I was legitimately hurt by that, for reasons that I didn't understand why the child.

She also tricked herself into believing that I thought that same-sex couples were absolved from being toxic and abusive. I asked her why she thought I thought that, and she couldn't even answer. She something like "avoiding men doesn't mean avoiding abuse." I'm thinking that this is back when I had a girlfriend. I had to shut her down really hard, because she was the one saying that stuff, and trying to make it seem like I said it or believed it. Even though I don't remember exactly what was said, I actually remember exactly what brought on this conversation. She found out that one of her co-workers wife was abusive. The co-worker's wife was a police officer, so I immediately went into fuck the police mode and told my mother that of course she was abusive because she was a fucking pig. Of course, my mother was taken aback by that, first. But, then I had to Point blank tell her that her accusation is fabricated from a self infliction of deep ignorance and homophobia. Of course, I didn't say it that eloquently but that's the long story short of what I said. And I told her that the conversation was over because it was pointless. And, that was the end of that.

I have to say, I gained a lot of skills from learning how to put my foot down with people that society says I'm supposed to be able to trust, first. And back then, I really wanted to believe that lie. But, blanket statements don't work like that. It's easy to reject strangers, people I know, in friends when I have rejected my entire flesh and blood. Flesh and blood meaning absolutely nothing in the long or short run. Except for my medical history - speaking logically.

Don't nobody wanna know no abusers.

Don't nobody wanna know no homophobes.

And, now I don't know you. Guess you got whatcha wanted.

"Hmph"

I started making a sound that I picked up from one of the instructors in one of the GED programs I went to. It was literally just "hmph". My biological mother and sisters mocked me for it, and for some reason I would get a whoopping of I didn't stop doing it.

Well, to the people no longer in my life; I say "hmph". 😏

Time is precious

I might be able to see why some people that can don't disown their toxic family. It's a different kind of burden to think about the last conversation I had, and hoping it's the last conversation I'll ever have - no matter what was said.

But, would rather have this over toxic people believing their entitled to my time. I'm the only person that is entitled to my time, because it's time I won't get back. And, that will never change. And, that's why I did this.

She should be glad it's over

I think about the last texting conversation with my bio-mother too much. I ultimately wish things didn't have to be this way, but I know I'm only hurting myself by thinking about it. No one in my family had a respected home with decent role models. The children were to be afraid of the adults, not actually respect them. Toxic relationships and DV at home went out into the world and birthed more violence to loop back into our world.

I was told to change myself because "I'm your mother". I was told that if I didn't do what someone wanted me to do that they wouldn't love me anymore, and I stopped loving that person right then. I've been teamed up on with my family members taking a strangers side to make me look bad.

I couldn't try to make anything work, because I didn't know what that meant or what functional relationships looked like in a family. I only saw them on tv, but I glad I had that - to know they exist. And, I started questioning WHY is it my responsibility to make anything "work"? So, I stopped trying with them, because it's not responsibility to take on someone else's damage. And, I left them behind. Very reluctantly. I would rather not have done it. Why couldn't I have been born into a loving, stable household? Surrounded by unconditional love, with dignity, honesty, and self respect as headlining morales and values? People that aren't afraid of, and even embrace, change would have been better suited for me.

But, I was giving broken humans that were far too damaged to be put down together. Really, I doubt they wanted to be together. They never did anything outside of their own realm and continuously made the same mistakes. Too afraid of change to every do the right thing. But, did they even know what the right thing was? I wonder, even though their action were clear answers.

And, I had more that I wanted to say to my bio-mother, but I didn't want to drag it out. Of course, I wanted to go into detail about how hurt I was about everything that happened! But, I know better than to feed into her game, and I said I would never do it again, and I'm a better person for it. I blocked her number without reading the last message she sent and deleted it. The last words she'll have from me: "It's long since been over, and you should be glad it over, after all the stress I caused you. I don't want anything else from you, Debra."