Forgiven// Getting ready to go!

I had to come to terms with an event that happened a long time ago. Someone I cared about very deeply died, and I wasn't at her bedside. I was a self-centered teen, and I thought she would get better, so I put off visiting her while she was in the hospital. She didn't recover as we had predicted, and she died a while later. If I had any inkling of a feeling that she wouldn't recover, I swear I would have been there, but the narrative around the situation was that she was going to be alright. And, it's not like I put my own thoughts into it. After getting the news she died, I had sudden chest pain that didn't completely subside for a while.

Soon, she came to me in my dreams and I cried and apologized for not being at her side before she left. She forgave me without hesitation. I had more dreams with her in them and she had the same comforting, forgiving presents she had in life. After a while the dreams stopped, and so did my chest pains. I wasn't in an environment where forgiveness was readily available, so I didn't know what it was back then, and all these years later I'm glad I see it now. I'm glad I know what true love is.

Bobby Caldwell - What You Won't Do For Love (Slowed & Chopped)

tomppabeats in love with you (Extended) HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

0-100 | What Is Love?

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HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL, FOR WE ALL HAVE A MOTHER

Delta: Sexy Rejected Emotional Wasteland

(Typed 4/2)

I blew on a certain social media site, again. Funny enough it was after saying I was going to post about sexy and sexual stuff. I sure enough posted about my sexual trauma, though I wouldn't call it "sexy". I'm going to make due on my word, but I've probably wrecked all my Boston connections with what I said. I'm find with that, too, as I won't be going back to stay there for any amount of time aside from a layover to somewhere else. And, I'll avoid that - if possible, too.

I had enough of my own shit, yesterday. I went off about my failed relationship past and how it's affecting how I'm acting now. I don't have any hopes for a romantic future. I have a poor track record only full of people that have no idea what respect is, and Boston was no different. The person ignores my feelings, but is ok with talking to me.

At this point, I'm just playing a self destructive game with myself. I have this dagger I like to pass to people. I call it "affection", and I give it to a special person and I trust them not to stab me with it. They do, and when it happens another piece of me gets torn away and dies. A day cometh when I will have passed this dagger enough to tear away and kill all of me. when there's nothing left, I will be numb. That is when I will be the person I want to be. Dejected, rejected, and wiser from it.

I have failed you in every way

Another part of the reason why I took the rejection from the person I liked so harsh is that I changed nothing for them. I've been noticed to bring about change to those around me. I couldn't change anything for a person that I really cared about, and I'm so disappointed in myself. I just want to forget Boston ever happened.

On the other hand, I don't doubt that I needed for all that to happen, even though I don't like most of it. I met some great people, and I wouldn't take that back. The person that I expressed myself to didn't answer me, and someone I talked to said that a non-answer is an answer. It's dead. I accept that it's dead. Time to bury it. Pray over it and move on.

But, now I feel so useless. It feels like I'll never be able to help someone I care about and truly deserves my affection. Not all these other unworthy fucks I've had feelings for. Someone actually doing something with their life and has hopes and dreams and all that good admirable stuff. Of coruse, a part of me wants to quit and continue to be single and reject anymore romantic feelings, but I'm not going to quit this time. I'm sick of quitting when it comes to this part of my life. I'm going to keep trying and hope it works out. I'm going to accept the down time, though.

Enough is enough!

Since I've left Boston and came out to the Twin Cities I've been beating myself to a pulp. I'm not good looking. I'm not smart. No one I like respects me. All that kind of shit. None of it's true. I may not be what I want to be, but I am what I am, and that's all I have!

I've decided to end it. I'm relatively alright looking. That's good enough. I'm loyal! I'm ok with the smarts. I don't really care about being smart. I just felt stupider than the last person I had attraction for. I felt like they didn't respect me because of the intelligence gap. Fuck that, now, though. First of all, they said anything like that. They picked on me once and I took it really hard because of past events, but if they really didn't respect me they wouldn't have hung out with me. I still have a hard time accepting that i like men/ males/ masco but I need to get over that for my own sake. I'm also accepting that I've been single for a long time and I want to change that. I want a partner (in crime), and I'm very into Asians and some types of whites, so that's what I'm looking for!

I really blew up all over the person I like via text and social media. There's no turning back from that. I would still rather people know how I feel, and it being open and honest ends their interest in me there's nothing I can do about that. If it doesn't we can keep moving forward, together!

But, in the meantime I need to be realistic and straighten out things I will and won't accept from people.What am I looking for in a partner and all that. Set guidelines and standards, but still be attracted to whomever I want. There are few written in stone with me.

Ok! I'm ready! Let's do this! It's more-than-friend-type relationship time!

No hate

My time for Boston draws near. The person I told my feelings doesn't hate me, and I will continue to tease them while I'm here (as long as they're ok with it). I'm so sad that I have to leave them. I'm sad I couldn't help while I was here. It hurts to have a greater chance of never seeing them again. I'll leave something for them. I don't know if it's right to leave a note, but I'll leave a stone for them. Might even leave a whole necklace, with the likelihood that they won't wear it but the effort is worth way more than nothing.

As for the sexual one, I have resolved that we are indeed 2 sides of the same coin. We've only interrupted our traumatic events different. I can only hope that the person will seek out the help they need someday, instead of continuing the path of self destruction.

I don't feel like anything happened here. I don't feel like I helped anyone or made an impact. It maybe strange that I feel that way. I'm also sad that I couldn't help the person that I had come to care for.

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This is the LAST post made in Boston! This is the end of the Boston era!