closing the mental and emotional drain

Unlike most subjects, I've talked about this one a lot since it happened, and I've gotten feedback, and it has been another development. This all happened in rapid succession.

so, a few weeks ago I offered to help a friend with a relationship situation. The people that are involved in my housemates, and I would rather be friends with people that I live with. Fully, but still offering to help where I can.

A few days ago, the person asked me to see if I can find any unbiased individuals to help their relationship mend in the communication area. I go out and try to find at least in my professional people that know how to facilitate space for them to get themselves right in.

the other one, who I've never talked to you about this goes out and do whatever process comes across someone that I know that as far as I know doesn't have experience in facilitating communication space. I'm saying as far as I know, because I talk to this person on various occasions but we never talked about anything like that. And I have my own set of assumptions that comes from my frustrated mind, but I really don't know if this person has experience in that area or not.

they tell me that they picked this person after I found someone who has already decided to accept them who has experience in holding mental and emotional space, with a small fee. the statment was presented to me by the person who has asked for my assistance that all parties have definitively agreed on the situation. The person that they picked to help the has asked me to meet with them to talk about my relationship with them and how I feel being around them, and is sitting on "maybe" with deciding to help them.

But, between the time that they told me about the person, and the person contacting me, I told them that I would no longer be involved in their mental and emotional situations. I went out of my way to try to find good quality resources, and they don't care. the person I found accepted them, and they rejected them for somebody who might not even get involved. I don't know if they have a back-up plan. I don't know what led this to this decision. All I know is I'm pissed off that I wasted my time and energy trying to help them when I feel like I put forth my best efforts and gathering resources.

I plan on continuing to contribute to the household as a community member, and of course I will use direct and blunt communication whenever issues arise. But their mental and emotional stuff is what I'm done with.

for as hellish and chaotic as my last house was, I'm now glad that I went through it. I'm setting much stricter boundaries much quicker, and I know I'm better off that way.

talking to supportive people

hard to believe I didn't make a blog entry about this, but few weeks ago I talk to my spirit mom. Someone has been very supportive of all of my foolish antics! We mostly talked about politics, because I didn't have much life updates oh, but they was something uplifting about talking to her, just as a like-minded positive force. 

talking to her really brought about a breath of fresh air that I didn't even know it's hidden. I suddenly abandoned the self-imposed stress that I was putting on myself of how I feel like I should stay in Minneapolis through some Universal responsibility. I have ultimately decided to stop racking my brain, and stay here until after the election next year, but I feel much less forced about it. much less stressed out about my decision, because at first I felt like I was stuck. But now I know that I consensually want to be here for a list of other reasons. I was put on this planet, in this life to party, and anything that gets in the way of my party is in the way of My overall livelihood! So I'm going to continue to be adventurous and party hard. I don't owe anyone anything, especially not my time or health. Somehow talking to her about politics with suddenly better than talking to my therapist. Not that I'm going to stop seeing my therapist, but I just felt so much better hearing her voice. I really can't explain it with words. It was all something I felt!

when I talked to her some weeks ago, the job trainings that I just posted about we're nowhere on my radar. I'm hoping that in a few more weeks I'll have more exciting things to talk about that are actually going on in my life instead of the distraction of politics. with or without a job, the job training will be very useful. And having more skills might do more to change my perspective.

Speaking of prospective, I'm very thankful to have a roof over my head and live with people that don't fight or starting drama with me. But there's a lot of drama that goes on between them that rubs off and how they communicate with me. And they also have their own mental health issues that affect their communication. things are difficult here, some of it due to mental health, and some of it due to very obvious choices. Recently there was a housemate that was using a broken can opener and leaving the cans have cut with the cut part of which is the very obvious sharp objects safety hazard. And of course they were leaving me the objects in a shared refrigerator. 

The first time they did it, I cut myself on it because I didn't think to try to use a knife to pry it open. The second time they did it I knew that they were too comfortable with the safety hazard so I had to send them an email asking them to stop. But Me being the adult that I am is very frustrated that any other adult would think that's acceptable, in the first place. there's common sense, and then there's identifying potentially dangerous situations. We should all know that sharp objects and rigid edges produce potentially dangerous situations. No matter what your background is; no matter what culture you grew up in. There is nowhere in this world that I know of where sharp objects don't  mean (potential) danger. 

I read my Tarot on being able to move out different housemates, and the cards that are saying that I'm stuck where I am. The part of me wants to see if I can live alone again. If I really wanted to, I would make it work. But I don't, because when I'm alone every little noise freaks me out. I love being able to walk around the house naked, but is it worth the anxiety attack I have every 5 seconds from every random Creek and snap?

I can function better with the idea of this is where I'm supposed to be. I know how to handle them for now. even though it's frustrating that I have to address things that I feel it basic, it's better to address them than to let them sit and rot on my mind and emotions. and I'm hoping that these new skills from the trainings will open up my opportunities in the to where I don't have to worry about getting a job when I decide to move to a new area. I'm still looking at Madison Wisconsin. being the traveling forklift driver sounds way cooler than being a traveling dishwasher, for me!

I trust that they're better housemates out me out there for me in different states. It's up to me to get out of Minnesota and find them! and if I can find a place that's as open-minded as Minneapolis, with little to no passive aggressiveness and less brutal Winters and Summers that's even better! an actual affordable housing, and communities that are active in fighting against gentrification!

Validation

I've been talking to people about what happened with my housemates, and in talking about it - I've come to terms with how I could have done things differently. I need to work on being my better person, for people I feel deserve it. I don't feel that way about this situation, however. I don't feel like these are people that deserve it. Maybe it's not so much their age, as much as it is the one person that knows how much drama has already been in this house, and intentionally and selfishly brought in another dramatic person.

 I've considered that maybe I would treat them differently if they were closer to my age group, but I probably wouldn't. After 2 years, maybe I would be where I am now because of everything that's already happened without the difference playing a part. All the while, I will admit their age is something factoring in. But, everything in it's place as it is now is exactly what it needs to be. I would hate imagine otherwise, where I would play into the drama for any reason outside of the circumstances in play. If it were anything else, I would still resolve to not be around this situation, because of what's happened to me and my experiences. Their age really doesn't matter - it's my age that matters. I take making it to 30 very seriously, and I know I don't want to be like them when I get old. I take my experiences very seriously, which is why I'm handling this differently. I can't leave one endless cycle of hate with my biological family to join another with anyone. I've broken those bonds and signed it with my own blood and tears to never do it again.

That's me.

Toxic cesspool couple

I'm surprised I didn't write about this event sooner. It's a major turning point in the household, and deserves to be recorded. A lot of my feelings about it have faded, since I'm not going to stay mad and I would rather enter into the healing process. But these events definitely need to be recorded for the sake of being able to look back on them and have a frame of reference for events.

A few days ago, the oldest housemate and I were talking about a space downstairs that he wanted to use as a lobby area. He did admit that he wanted to set up like that but no one has ever used it. We were talking about a little bit, and I was leaning more towards not making into a lobby area, but then his girlfriend jumps in and starts yelling. When I inquired on my she was suddenly acting like that, she went off on a tangent about how she didn't want people to hear her in her "private moments" with him and I was offended by that. I really take it is maybe she thinks we're perverted and would want to hear them having sex, or we're too stupid to realize that something private is going on and move ourselves. No matter what she was really thinking, that's how I take it. And I was also very offended and felt disrespected that she just jumped into our conversation started yelling and imposing her trauma into our space.

She left and came back, acting like it was over, but me being the antagonist and I am reinitiated the situation and upset her even more. When we split up and I talked to her boyfriend separately, he advised that I don't need to bring the subject up anymore. And I told him that she's projecting that she thinks low of us, and she's really being an inappropriate upper-class Pig. She was also being very rude and interrupting us and yelling. She was seriously acting like a child, even though she's in her late 60s.

After that, I made it clear that I didn't want to talk to her because of her behavior and her boyfriend didn't like that and kept trying to go back and forth with me. That honestly just made me more angry because I felt like my space was being disrespected, after I made it clear that I was not interested in talking to her, or either of them if they were going to become a toxic hive mind to reinforce each other's negative and insufferable behavior.

After 2 years, that'll fool you can have the nerve to tell me that maybe I'm not a good fit for the house anymore since I called his girlfriend toxic. And that was very toxic of him, so they can both have their Cesspool in the basement, as far as I'm concerned.

the boyfriend is so petty that he has decided that he will not be performing a house maintenance, which has caused me to find a new maintenance person. Of course, I am looking for a person of color, optionally queer, to replace him! I have no qualms with putting money in another (queer) POC's pocket!

After telling him that he's being replaced and that I've informed the landlord, he tried to discourage me in doing so after I'd already done it. He said that complaining to the landlord directly threatened the cost of rent, and no such thing happened. The people that own this property clearly aren't as short-tempered and barbaric as he thinks they are. it is that was a concern, he should have known better than to refuse a work order being more aware of the consequences than I am. A part of me thinks that he expected me to beg him to fulfill the work order, when I've shown time and time again that I am very easy and quick to replace people. Some might even say "eager" to replace people.

This is all very strange to me that he suddenly acting this way over a woman. I don't know what kind of opioids she has in her vaginal mucus, but that boy has gone full-tilt bat-shit. I can hardly believe I had to replace the maintenance man, but I honestly love managing people, so it's a whole new challenge for me! Let's see what turns up!

Did she really...?

I think my housemate sat on my things. Not that my stuff isn't in the way, and it's not her responsibility to move them. But, if she wanted to sit in that particular spot she could have asked me to move my stuff. Not that the weren't other seating options, but I won't evade that my things are in a seating area. I'm just thinking this because there was a towel place mate at the table, and some of my things seemed slightly moved, but I shouldn't make up reasons to be mad at someone. That also means she sat on the bike lock, because that wasn't moved out of the chair. I don't know what she's on to be willing to sit on a bike lock.

This is so thanks I get for allowing her to move in here, which is a hundred dollars cheaper than her last place. She claims she's still broke, so that didn't even help. I basically went against my better judgement for no reason. And it doesn't help that she tries to mock me when I'm clearly doing something intentional. When we just hanging out, it's fine, because that's not a thing I went through the trouble of setting up. But, when we at parties and I try to set up a game to make an intentional space she wants to butt in with sracastic memes and be obnoxious. I call her out, and that's the end of it, because everyone knows I'm from Louisiana and we're born and bread to act out in front of people!

She wants to change the terms of her stay. We agreed to 3-6 months, like most house mates, but the future opportunities she was once looking forward to have been exterminated by the unfortunate cause of discrimination and ignorance. We had the talk of "what if things don't work out" and she still said she would honor the deal. Unfortunately, I was unaware that I was talking to someone that doesn't know what honor is. And, was even so entitled when readdressing it thinking I'm actually going to adhere to waiting every three months for a check in. We're checking in every month, after winter, because that's what I'm doing.

We stopped being friends months ago for a reason I feel like it's still being proven (that are related to a previous event). I'm starting to think 90% of Mpls's trans community is [omits violently hostile commentary] people I would not like to come any relationships with in the future. I keep having horrible experiences with trans house mates, but I've made a few trans friends, that I strongly feel I will continue to get a long with. I'm probably not going to try to have trans house mates after a while. I know cis people can be just as fucked up, but I've had decent cis housemates. ALL the trans ones have been terrible.

But, offline I'm going to see this shit show through until one of us moves out. I'm standing it out to the universe to bring better people into my life, and I don't even have to talk to her that much. As long as we don't have guests and she does her chores, we don't have to talk at all, really. And, she has positive qualities, like anyone else. She helped me out when I was homeless, I figured it would be fitting to help her not be homeless. But, I've repaid my debt to her, and I won't be helping her with anything else. And, realistically, she's not the only problem. But I'm sick of being surrounded by  abult-problem children. I want to be around people that care about themselves and others, and are more on my wave length of self improvement.

Only time will tell.

Not moving// trans house mates?

My options: staying in this house - upside down Queen of Swords. Moving, but staying in Minneapolis or st. Paul - upside down Fortune. Moving out of state - upside down Eight of Cups. What will help me make my decision - upside down 9 cups.

It looks like my best option is to stay where I am for the time being, despite how I feel about it. It may not be as bad as I think it will be. I basically won't have any luck finding a new place to stay in this area, and all the other places that I look at outside of the state are "dried up". but I will Reserve that in context of the places that I'm looking at, and not apply that to any other places that I might not be looking at, but may come across in the future to consider. What will help me decide is either dissatisfaction or misery. and I will admit I've been very dissatisfied with my options and people's reactions to expressing the type of situation I want to live in.

But, a passing issue is finding decent people that also happen to be trans, that also happen to be women. I'm considering having another cis house mate for a while longer, because things aren't working out with that side of the family like I feel like they should. Another thing I'm having a huge problem with is white privilege. Which can lead to other problems, like a lack a spatcial awareness or easily forgetting what someone brown just told someone and why they said it. Or, maybe just feeling like someone is exmept from what was said, based on privilege.

I know I don't want to pick another person that was born and raised in the state, or another white person. But, family is a challenge. I really don't want to drop off on giving well-deserved people an opportunity but I've had enough of what this area has to offer with the issues I've already endured.

It's more to think on, and I have a lot of time to think about it. It is very disappointing that this is something I have to think about in such a way.

What filth...

I had a total meltdown on my housemates today. We were having a meeting and they told me they didn't like some of the rules I made. In general, I can deal with that and I can talk about why it's in place. But, for what I was going through, now was not the time to gang up on me about something they agreed to when they moved in.

And, they wanted to do a community graden in the front yard when I can't get anyone to pick up a towel and wipe off the counters. And, I want the front yard just to have a yard to enjoy. Those gardens hardly even grow anything.

But, they're lucky, because if I had been any less stressed I would have told them about themselves to absolute filth, on the spot.

But, what really threw me for a loop. What was really "game over" was when I was contesting to keep the front yard as is and the others wouldn't let it go and Has said "If it's communal, let's vote on it." I. WAS. LIVID. I said "fuck this," and stormed out slamming the door. I went for a walk to yell, and came back, packed my backpack and wrote a note saying "If y'all like _ so much, y'all can suck his dick!" And, when _ asked why I wrote that I went off about how I've done so much for the house and no one was supportive of my feelings and efforts. Previous people have been so shitty in this house and I don't know who's going to be shitty next, and everything I've set up is for a reason. The house manager would rather do anything but take on other interpersonal duties, and no one wants to do anything else and I do all the cleaning otherwise. Oh, but y'all wanna do a fucking graden? And, take up the space that I like, rather than put it in other places that are just as good? And, take away space from future housemates?

I have one person that spills food on themselves and doesn't clean it up when they stand up. One person that cooks and leaves a mess and dishes and leaves for days. The house manager and their partner's issue. Oh, but y'all wanna do a graden? In a spot that isn't even growing anything. And the one that spills food won't even be working on the graden.

These bitches right here... And, they say they're cool, but after what's happened why should I trust them? I can forgive but I don't forget. Everyday I get more reasons to resent Minnesotans. I might forgive Has one day, but I won't forget this.

House update

Update on the housemate I wanted out: The house manager wants him here to give him another chance, so I've developed a neutral attitude towards him. He's dropped a lot of the bad habits that he came with, and he's done a lot of what I've asked him to do, so far.

He's reproduced, so we're already seeing less as him as he prepares for his offspring, if all goes "normally". You know what I mean.

My boundaries are still clear and set, and I expect them to be respected as I respect everyone else's/ But, as a person, I still dislike him just because he talks to much and says near nothing of value.

I've decided to continue looking for a new place through summer, because if I can find more relatable housemates in a better house, but if nothing else suits me I won't cry about it.

Boundaries and respect

In July, I'll have been in this house for a year. Though many have come and gone, I will feel a sense of accomplishment for surviving a year in dramaland. The new housemate does coke and has other strange behavior that could mean he has something mental going on. I recently expressed that I'm uncomfortable with a housemate on hard drugs, and the house manager agreed with me at first, but then turned around and decided to tell him not to do coke in the house anymore and that issue is ok. Some other behaviors, as well.

I'm looking for a new place to stay (again), but I already know that with my budget it's hard to find a place worth while, so I'm setting stricter boundaries with both of them. The house manger will not get away with ignoring my pronouns and identity anymore. The coke one is not allowed to contact me outside of text and note, because he feels like we should talk whenever he wants to talk whether or not I want to, and add he can talk for a long time. So now, he's only allowed to contact to me on platforms that are also document-able for future ref, if he shows more odd behavior. In-person is only for house meetings and phone calls are only for emergencies.

I dislike having to be this way, but it has to be done. Hopefully, I find an overall better place, but I'm conjuring up a back-up plan if I don't in due time.

Rejected the room

The people I wanted to move in had to reject the room, because the housemanager smokes indoors. That's the outward mark of this house being anti-cool people. I must not be as cool as I think I am for sitting with this shitshow for as long as I have.

Moving around!// Fuck DA Police!

The housemate and I have had not one, but 2 fights since I last posted! One via text, and one face-to-face. I told the house manager we hate each other now, so we should both leave, and it's agreed upon. The little room has a new person in it as of today, and I'll by out by mid-April. I'm trying to be out on the 6th, which is payday.

The soon-to-be-ex-housemate has been busy trying to shame me in a group of people that already think I'm garbage. She has no influence or persuasive skills, so all she can do is yell into an echo chamber. In other words, maybe an annoyance but no threat what so ever. She can only demonize me to people I dislike, so no one of value.

I met some cool people looking to make a house with each other. I'll be a stranger living with a group of 3 friends, with the encouragement to come a friend, as well. We're all looking for a house, and they want a place by May, but I can wait until August. We're all on the same page about what we want, which is fantastic! I feel like we will all get along nicely, to live together. Now, it's meeting the 3rd of the trio that's the task.

In the meantime, I'm chilling at the house getting my stuff together and looking for where I'm going to crash and store my stuff. I'm glad the new housemate is already here, as they are coming from an uncomfortable situation.

~

Work with kind of  ruff today. All was normal until the pigs rushed in looking for someone and were aggressive to everyone. They even shock down someone in the dining room area, and I thought shit was going to get ugly. It distressed some of the costumers and the managers had to come out to get the oinkers to tell them why they were there. I was really upset and the customers had my back, and cheered me up, and I was able to calm down. I really hate the police and I don't want them in the store, at all. I don't want them, at all! We need to abolish the police! They kill people of color and the poor. The beat up queers. The rape trans people. The terrorize rape victims! Let's just get rid of them!

Talk it out

The situation with the housemates has improved. We're talking, again, and I apologized for being angry. I'm still going to move out because this isn't the right house and housemates for me. A friend wants to move in but I'm reluctant. The hm is also reluctant in having a new person, so I'm being considerate of that. I have other things I can do.

Year of the ROOSTER!

Happy Lunar New Year!

This year.. I bought gifts for my housemates... the LUNAR year, I finally gave it to them, because they hadn't noticed it where it was!

Speaking of which, I've decided to not fight for this place. My last effort was going to ask the housemanager to interview us with a lot of meaning behind it, but fuck it now. The housemate let one of my friends in the house when I didn't hear the door, so she can have the house. It's not worth all this drama.

Also on the subject of drama, I'm not making any new associations with the local trans fem community as a goal for the year. The transfem community here has been mostly abusive, and I've fallen victim to some of their ways. Any transfems I'm not already cool with, I'm not trying to get to know. When I go out to other places I will be willing to get to know people OUTSIDE of the local community.

Year of the Rooster is off to quite a start!

My neck

With fall comes a lot of change! My life has a lot of change. Jobs, friends, and all. I'm looking for a new place to stay because my roommates are very boring and lackluster about life. My emotions are also scary to them, though I haven't done anything scary. I can really live without them, but I don't work to my ass off for a $700 place by myself in the inner city. I actually like having roommates. This is the first place I've been with people I dislike, and it's the same place I've ever paid for on my own. I wonder what that's suppose to tell me. I might resume camping come summer, because I don't hang out with wimps. Selfish wimps, to make it worse. I'm aiming for jobs that pay a little more than what I'm making now, and hopefully everything will work out, so I can have a higher budget for rent. I'm way to in love with my life for these people.

At the sametime, my health is taking a serious turn. There's a high chance my neck is going to need some kind of surgery, due to a lump that has been on my thyroid for months. It's soft, not pained, and  moveable, so hopefully it's just weird fat. If it's fat, it can stay - that's not knife or drain worthy.

We'll see how things go. I'm 28, now. I'm too old for this shit.