Creations// Possible schizophrenia

Since I got fired, I had to face the other day that I have been obsessive over other people's creations. So much to the point where I was pushing my own Creations aside. I still have a lot of apprehensions about posting my things in public, mostly due to various web sites rules and not so much feedback. But that's really no excuse to push my own imagination out and only be willing to observe others and not my own.

It got to a point where yesterday I had to decide to take a mental health break and not get on any social media and I even went without listening to music for hours. I had to enjoy the silence and be alone with my own thoughts. Maybe I was ignoring my own creations, and maybe I was trying to ignore myself for a long time. But it didn't get me anywhere I wanted to be. I also got way too deep into politics and social media, which are all toxic things. But at this point I can say the politics are more toxic because I have friends on social media. No one making the rules is anyone I would call my friend. We had a lot of political highs and lows happening all at the same time, but I really let all of it get to me.

After spending some time with myself and thinking about my thoughts, I feel significantly better, but there's still work to do. I might also have to face the fact that I have schizophrenia. Of course I haven't gone through the process of being diagnosed, because I just came across this idea some weeks ago. And even if I didn't, it might not be a reality that I would want to face. I saw a video that informed me on different types of Sensations that people with schizophrenia can have and when confronted with this information I just accepted the idea of accepting it a few days ago. People have major misconceptions about schizophrenia, and thinking that it's all the same diagnosis of multiple personalities and swatting at things that aren't there. Sometimes I feel stings bites and crawling on or inside my skin when there's nothing there. I don't hear voices but I hear soft sounds. It used to be worse when I was younger, but now I acknowledge that when I feel something it's very likely that there's nothing there or I'm being hypersensitive to a piece of dust brushing across my skin. At some point in the past, I do remember thinking, "I wish there was always something there when I felt something touching me so I would feel less crazy. Then again, that would mean that they would usually be something actually crawling on me and I probably wouldn't like that either."

Schizophrenia among other various thoughts went through an analysis and an archive. It was just a matter of spending time with myself in my thoughts and getting some creativity out.

Fired and pushed back places

Shortly after I made that last post, I got fired from that dank job a few weeks later. I know I don't want to be a cashier for the rest of my life, and there was no way they were going to force me to. Either they were going to promote me or I was going to quit or get fired, and this is the outcome. Seward Co-op was very much a terrible place to work with a hidden agenda for keeping people of color up front where everyone can see them and really giving them opportunities and higher paying positions. I couldn't even get a higher-paying Floor position, even though I got into a different department that didn't pay not one penny more.

At first I was very bitter over the particular incident that happened, because it involved my direct supervisor at the store manager setting me up to get fired. And since I had already put in my notice, on paper I quit so I couldn't file for unemployment. But now I look back on the entire situation, and learned plenty of new information to know that I am better off without that job in my life. And it's cold outside, so I don't want to do any more moving around than I have to! The job was also very physically taxing. Seward Co-op has terrible ergonomics and its cashier Pit, and the cashiers do way more bending and stretching than they should have to. I develop very serious neck pains and carpal tunnel in both my arms. I started visiting a chiropractor shortly before I got fired and continue treatment after, and both of those issues have cleared up nicely! I was making terrible pay and never got a raise until just before I got fired. It was not worth my time, energy, and certainly not worth my health!

People have been very generous to me and have been donating to help me cover my monthly expenses. I have also been donated food, so I certainly haven't been starving! I'm very appreciative to all the people that have reached out to help me in my great time of need, and I will be sure to pay it forward to others in need!

Unfortunately, this means I've had to push back my travel plans all the way to January! Seward Co-op was a shitshow from beginning to end. I started out only making $10.40 until a whole year where I went up a 25-cent raise and then they fire me an entire month before my notice, which led to me having to push back my trip. And having less time for the trip, I also had to cut out a destination. The destination was picked for other reasons, one of which the couch surfing scene being very deficient.

As usual, I have no idea how the trip itself will go. I'm not having much luck on finding a place to stay but my destination seem to have a lot of shelters available. I'm sure something will work out, and if it doesn't it's not like I have to stick with it forever.

Travel plans have changed slightly // A lot of changes

I made that video some WEEKS ago. Since then, I've cut out traveling back to AZ and  MN, and I'm only going to the southeast, but I'm only going to TN, AL, and GA.

//

I may skipping a lot in between this, but I've shut down the punk house and communal house model for my current dwelling. No one wanted to do it, and one of the housemates is so insensitive to the point of not being worth this being a punk house. I can't call this a radical safe space, with people thinking it's ok to say "faggot" or any such terms in the house. And, the other housemate doesn't even talk to us, anymore. They started cutting themselves off, and now they have a tv, so we don't even see them anymore. But, now I don't blame them. We're terrible housemates for each other. It would be best if I let them go and looked after myself, now. I would rather it not be like this, but there's no other way, now.

My original plan was to come back in April, but that's much less likely to happen. It's still really cold in April, and I would much rather do what best for my bodily health. It's easier to get a job than it is to find a place I'll be able to afford. And, I can continue to look for a new place while inside here. I really don't have to talk to them that much, and it's better for my mental and emotional health that I don't. I agree with others that I've talked to that I didn't come back to the house, at all, but I'll just see what happens, and do what's best when the time comes.

Traveling this WINTER!

Cowboy Bebop OST 3 Blue - Call Me Call Me (For the last day of Winter)

Health update, and Mickey's Diner server grabbed me.

Twin Cities Zine Fest 2017 HAUL pt2!

Twin Cities Zine Fest 2017 HAUL pt1

Bobby Caldwell - What You Won't Do For Love (Slowed & Chopped)

White Liberalism Racists at Work, and other life updates

[Experimental] - Anomaly - The Doorway

Cowboy Bebop - Rain (Male and Female version Mixed)

Yes - Roundabout

I'm Bald and I'm PROUD!

A letter to my teenage self

A letter to my teenage self

Howdy,

How are you feeling? Really focus on that, because how you're feeling is important.  It always has been, and it always will be. How you feel goes past a lot of how you think and what you believe, so it's very important.

Your feelings are going to lead you to very different places and to very different people, so continue to trust them. When you feel like you should go, go. When you feel like you should stop, stop. If someone is being hurtful towards you leave them be. It's easier with people outside, than people in family, but that doesn't mean you're stuck with them either. Nothing is permenat, and this isn't you for the rest of your life.

It's better to focus on being yourself than to consign to being "normal" or "different". Those things really don't matter, because everyone has their own different meaning for what those things mean.

There are millions of billions of people on the plante. You're not normal or different, and you're not alone. It just feels like it because, right now, access to all those people is so limited.

Even in depress you will seek being social so you and others won't feel alone and that's ok. Whatever you do to be ok is ok.

You're going to talk to a lot of people and read a lot about people. Somehow, there will still be a sence of "normal" and "different". That's because now you have your own bubble, and you are aware that's it's there. The bubble is now still what you have learned from the people around you, but as you learn other things it will become your own. It's only as big or small as you make it. Whatever is in it is what you put in it.

Being yourself is going to hurt because you're going to be labeled "different", but keep being yourself. You're going to learn from what's happened and it will make you a better person. You will get the help you need to cope with everything in later days. Of coruse, not as soon as you want, but if you don't give up you'll get what you need.

You're going through a lot more than anyone should have to go through just to leave, but you have to go through it now because they're more to come. What you're going through now is somewhat safe, even though it doesn't feel like it. What's happening is in a much more controlled eneviornment, but things do change when you become an adult.

You don't have to die if you don't want to. You can continue to live, if you choose.

Where you are now is where you need to be, because it effects where you will go. It doesn't totally determinate it, but it effects it. Only you make to deicisions. If you choose to live, you choose to accept the changes that you'll go through. And, things will change very dramatically in all sorts of directions. It may not seem like it's worth it, and I know there's nothing I can do to convience you, but I can tell you that it's very worth it.

People are going to tell you that the world is a harash place, but the world that they are in and the world you are in are different worlds. Their world is a harash place because they made it that way for themselves. That doesn't have to be your world, if you don't want it to be. And, you don't so it won't.

You'll always have friends, and people that will be there for you. They won't always be the people that you think they will be or you think they should be. They'll help you in a lot of different ways. They will help you continue to live, if you let them.

You must learn the consequses of only being half commited to honesty. You will go through your own version of hell, but it will be still in a controlled enviornment. You won't feel that safe, but you're in the best position to learn that lesson before adulthood. It will make you very scared, but you would be scare forever, because you're too awesome to be stopped!

Everything will be what it needs to be for you at the time, and then you will move on from it and things will change. You'll change, but only if you choose to live.

Brush your teeth more, and keep Iodine in your diet. Those are also very important!













Don't focus on being different or normal. Just be yourself, no matter how much it hurts. Because, really, their's no one else left to be. Everyone else is taken.

(I intentionally didn't fix the typos.)

The Horrors of Women's Clothing Sizes (A Braless Sketch!)

A letter to my childhood self A retrospective

A letter to my childhood self
A retrospective
Hey you,
How are you feeling? I know you've seen some hard times, but you excel in appreciating the good times. You're the best at see the good in people and the better possibilities.

You have more hope and thoughtfulness than most of the people around you. I can tell you why people do the things that they do. It's because they use to know better, but they don't anymore. A lot of people use to be like you but they grew out of it.

They grew out of seeing the best in anything, including themselves. As life goes on people go through different things and everyone develops a different meaning of survival. They also develop a different reality from the bubble that was formed around them than they were little to the bubble that they make for themselves as they go through life with less control from their families or whomever cared for them.

It really doesn't matter how you're doing in school in the long run. The school system we use is over 150 years old, and it's the only format that we still use that is that old. Don't worry about conforming to an outdated system. You'll do just fine in life the way you are.

People are going to try to take away your hope and determination, but you can't let them. Always do what you feel is right. Don't standing up for others, and being yourself. Even when being yourself is hard and you wish you could be someone else, continue to be yourself. I can assure you that it's worth it.

And, don't worry about going on to "great things" because what that means for you is different from what that means to other people. Your "great thing" is already within you. Don't be ashamed of it or hide it.


Others have limited their own "great thing" but don't limit yours. People will try to put limits on you, but you will break them. You will not be stopped. The only person allowed to limit you is yourself.

The pick on you because they think it will make you tough. They pick on you because they don't understand sadness. You think they understand because they cry, but they don't understand your sadness.

There's a big bright world out there were people mistreat other, and sometimes they will mistreat you. You may also mistreat others, for whatever reason. Forgive others and forgive yourself. Don't forget. Learn from others and yourself. Don't let it happen again as if you didn't learn from it.

I know you don't have any good examples of what "forgiveness" is, but you'll meet more people and get better examples later.

Enjoy yourself.

Suicide

Last night I found out that my ex-roommate, Kelsey, committed suicide a few days ago. Kelsey herself was a person that was very lost and tragic. She had a lot of issues that she refused to go get help for it and had every reason Under the Sun for what she did except for anyways to resolve them. As the person, she was terrible and very difficult to live with. She also did other things that were instances of betrayal against others outside of the house, so I don't really pity her. But as another human being it is very tragic that someone would be at such a loss that suicide would be there only considerable option. I believe that as long as one is alive they always have another chance, but to commit suicide is when someone believes that they don't have any more chances no matter how much life they have left to live. Suicide is not cowardice, it is tragic. Based on my own beliefs, I hope what she finds whatever she was looking for somewhere else.

My condolences to her friends, family, and most recent housemates.

House update

Update on the housemate I wanted out: The house manager wants him here to give him another chance, so I've developed a neutral attitude towards him. He's dropped a lot of the bad habits that he came with, and he's done a lot of what I've asked him to do, so far.

He's reproduced, so we're already seeing less as him as he prepares for his offspring, if all goes "normally". You know what I mean.

My boundaries are still clear and set, and I expect them to be respected as I respect everyone else's/ But, as a person, I still dislike him just because he talks to much and says near nothing of value.

I've decided to continue looking for a new place through summer, because if I can find more relatable housemates in a better house, but if nothing else suits me I won't cry about it.

Frenssu - Watashi No Kokoro Wa Ai No Kotoba O Hanashi Te Iru (Space Neet...

What Is Gender Non-Conforming? ft. Miles Jai (HAPPY QUEER PRIDE MONTH!)

AWOLNATION - THISKIDSNOTALRIGHT (Audio)

Boundaries and respect

In July, I'll have been in this house for a year. Though many have come and gone, I will feel a sense of accomplishment for surviving a year in dramaland. The new housemate does coke and has other strange behavior that could mean he has something mental going on. I recently expressed that I'm uncomfortable with a housemate on hard drugs, and the house manager agreed with me at first, but then turned around and decided to tell him not to do coke in the house anymore and that issue is ok. Some other behaviors, as well.

I'm looking for a new place to stay (again), but I already know that with my budget it's hard to find a place worth while, so I'm setting stricter boundaries with both of them. The house manger will not get away with ignoring my pronouns and identity anymore. The coke one is not allowed to contact me outside of text and note, because he feels like we should talk whenever he wants to talk whether or not I want to, and add he can talk for a long time. So now, he's only allowed to contact to me on platforms that are also document-able for future ref, if he shows more odd behavior. In-person is only for house meetings and phone calls are only for emergencies.

I dislike having to be this way, but it has to be done. Hopefully, I find an overall better place, but I'm conjuring up a back-up plan if I don't in due time.

Jade Cicada – Sacred Trek

Will & Tim - Song Of Storms (Zelda Theme Remix)

Rejected the room

The people I wanted to move in had to reject the room, because the housemanager smokes indoors. That's the outward mark of this house being anti-cool people. I must not be as cool as I think I am for sitting with this shitshow for as long as I have.

Cowboy Bebop- Can't Stop(AMV)

The Sun and New Times Ahead!

It's finally SPRING and the sun is out sometimes, but we gotta make way for those April showers! I'm going to start a different department tomorrow, and start my weening out of cashiering. I have so much more talent and abilities to spend my time in an entry level position that doesn't get any respect for all the responsibility has!

I'm moving over to meat and seafood, and I'll be aiming to take on other positions after the store and take some shifts at the other location, as well. I'm also looking forward to moving out and camping, and Portland vacation! It's better to look at the positives over the negs. No more gloom!

The sea urchin has exited. Not quietly, but still gone.

I was the ex-housemate before I went to work and it took a lot for me not to confront her and her girlfriend about all this shit that happened and the shit they said on Facebook. As expected, they talked shit about me to the new housemate and left the room a mess for someone else to clean up. They took some things they didn't come here with, including toilet paper and the window ac unit.

That night we talked about her coming in, and some of the stuff she took.There was some transphobia and slut shaming to go around in other topics. After I leave, this will likely be a house straight cis men of basic everyday misogyny, but I won't be here so whatever. Back to the transphobic, the sea urchin told the new housemate she's a man, so she's still fucking lying about nothing she has to lie about, thinking that's what she needs to do to survive. MN is one the best, safest places to be trans and I'm trans so if there was a problem it would have been long had.

Just, whatever, at this point.

Jamie Berry - Out of My Mind (Bass Boosted)

Jamie Berry - Out of My Mind [Electro Swing]

Moving around!// Fuck DA Police!

The housemate and I have had not one, but 2 fights since I last posted! One via text, and one face-to-face. I told the house manager we hate each other now, so we should both leave, and it's agreed upon. The little room has a new person in it as of today, and I'll by out by mid-April. I'm trying to be out on the 6th, which is payday.

The soon-to-be-ex-housemate has been busy trying to shame me in a group of people that already think I'm garbage. She has no influence or persuasive skills, so all she can do is yell into an echo chamber. In other words, maybe an annoyance but no threat what so ever. She can only demonize me to people I dislike, so no one of value.

I met some cool people looking to make a house with each other. I'll be a stranger living with a group of 3 friends, with the encouragement to come a friend, as well. We're all looking for a house, and they want a place by May, but I can wait until August. We're all on the same page about what we want, which is fantastic! I feel like we will all get along nicely, to live together. Now, it's meeting the 3rd of the trio that's the task.

In the meantime, I'm chilling at the house getting my stuff together and looking for where I'm going to crash and store my stuff. I'm glad the new housemate is already here, as they are coming from an uncomfortable situation.

~

Work with kind of  ruff today. All was normal until the pigs rushed in looking for someone and were aggressive to everyone. They even shock down someone in the dining room area, and I thought shit was going to get ugly. It distressed some of the costumers and the managers had to come out to get the oinkers to tell them why they were there. I was really upset and the customers had my back, and cheered me up, and I was able to calm down. I really hate the police and I don't want them in the store, at all. I don't want them, at all! We need to abolish the police! They kill people of color and the poor. The beat up queers. The rape trans people. The terrorize rape victims! Let's just get rid of them!

Peace-ing out?

After coming up on a year, things aren't going my way around here. I thought resigning to a mainstream life would solve my problems, but I can't commit to selling my soul. I'm not living a %100 mainstream life, and I'll accept that i never will, because now I accept that it's what makes me happy. Travels, meeting new people, and seeing new places is what makes me happy. And, I'm happy doing it without a place to go back to.

I might be heading out to Portland, OR to see what's going on out there. At this point, I feel like I'm wasting away at a cash reg putting money in someone else's pocket and nothing's going to change if I stay here. I'm getting a long with my other housemate, and a new person is moving in but that's still not enough. I'll still be in this house with people I'm not even %75 with without being able to enjoy the whole house. We have a porch but it's filled with trash. We have a bal, but someone has to move into that room because we're behind on the utilities. If I'm so bad off I can't afford to enjoy the whole house than I don't want it at all. I can have the whole outside to myself, sleeping under the trees with a lovely night sky. I don't need these scrubs to be happy. In fact, my life has been worst since I moved in here.

Things with the job have also gone poorly. There was a scheduling mess up with my availability change that I wasn't responsible for, but I had to figure out how to cover it. I told them I might have to call out because of this, and they said that was unacceptable. I didn't want to find someone to cover it, and I couldn't call out without being fired, so I conceded to accepting the shift with much resentment. And, that was the last straw in the box. I can play the game for as long as I have to, but that won't be much longer. I'm going to use my future earnings to buy some stock. I talked about this a long time ago, but stock from local businesses is easier to buy and there's plenty to go around in Minneapolis, alone. Not big investments, but easy to get and for a starter like me.

I know to work, though. I enjoy having duties and responsibilities and people being able to count on me. And, I want what will make things easier, and right now that's money. Those things are obtainable without people that don't know how to do their own availability sheets. Not that the problem didn't get fixed, but the fact that all the happened is unacceptable for me. I'm also taking  chance on moving to a different department, if all goes well.

If all doesn't go well it's off to Portland come June with no intention of returning. Maybe not every goal will be accomplished but some investments will be made to benefit future endeavors. I have good feelings about Portland, despite knowing negative things about the city. If things don't work out, I have many other places near by to consider. And, I can continue my travels from there.

Undertale - Song That Might Play When You Fight Sans Acapella

Determination: An Acapella (Undertale)

tomppabeats in love with you (Extended) HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

WAQMEUP – Sequoia Tree (ft. Ehiorobo) HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

Talk it out

The situation with the housemates has improved. We're talking, again, and I apologized for being angry. I'm still going to move out because this isn't the right house and housemates for me. A friend wants to move in but I'm reluctant. The hm is also reluctant in having a new person, so I'm being considerate of that. I have other things I can do.

Year of the ROOSTER!

Happy Lunar New Year!

This year.. I bought gifts for my housemates... the LUNAR year, I finally gave it to them, because they hadn't noticed it where it was!

Speaking of which, I've decided to not fight for this place. My last effort was going to ask the housemanager to interview us with a lot of meaning behind it, but fuck it now. The housemate let one of my friends in the house when I didn't hear the door, so she can have the house. It's not worth all this drama.

Also on the subject of drama, I'm not making any new associations with the local trans fem community as a goal for the year. The transfem community here has been mostly abusive, and I've fallen victim to some of their ways. Any transfems I'm not already cool with, I'm not trying to get to know. When I go out to other places I will be willing to get to know people OUTSIDE of the local community.

Year of the Rooster is off to quite a start!

Housemate eye contact

At the end of Dec, i let my current housemate know that I am very unsatisfied with their lack of motivation in helping me get things done around the house. Since then, they haven't spoken to me much and has become very obnoxious. And, of course, they are still very unhelpful around the house. When now, at also Feb with a full month of this going on, I've decided to make myself more visible around the house. It upsets them to even see me, so if it's that easy to get a reaction out of them i may as well have fun with it.

Akryl – Jazz Bandicoot

Kill Them With Colour - Get High (VIP)

An actual post - Protesting, Happy New Year!

It's been a good few months since a personal post, and not music. A lot of big things have been going on, and I've been more into sharing them with my f&f, instead of here. Given our current political climate, I know I'm going to go through a lot of changes - some of them I'll dislike. I'm putting up a list of goals, next to a list of activism, next to a list of distractions to get myself through the next 4 years.

Right now, I'm going through a lot of emotional stuff with the protests I've been attending and how I take part. I reject bigotry, but I don't feel comfortable with angry, and I don't want people to get hurt. At the some time, there are people out there that want to hurt me, my f&f, and the the communities I identify with. And, as much as I would rather live in a utopia of joy and acceptance I know that's not going to happen.

I feel excited, scared, and eager! That's as simple as it can be said, and I know any others have a wide variety of unexplainable feelings, right now. We know what we're angry. we what we're angry about. We don;t know how we should handle it, but we know the way we've been handling it doesn't work because all this has happened. Democracy isn't working.