Maxo - Reach You

ASGORE - Instrumental Mix Cover (Undertale)

LESS political MORE party!

The system only gets me down and the people around are so angry and boring. Talking about this subject hasn't gotten me much of anywhere I wanted to be or with people I would want to be around. I'm not giving up my morals, labels, or opinions. I'm not as readily available to discuss them, and I'm not sure as shit not getting any arguments. Their are more happy, entimening, and practical things to talk about. Anime, video games, cooking, making clothes, all kinds of stuff. All I can do is hope this corrupted system won't last forever and move on.

Frenssu - Thru The Air

FALSE RAPE ACCUSATIONS??

Imaginary enemies

Something I've been doing since at least my time in New Mexico has been making imaginary emegies. Random people or maybe not so random people doing hurtful things to me. I can guess how and why it started but now it's time for it to come to an end. I need to keep those thoughts ion check and to a minium. On the outside I don't walk around with a chip on my shoulder thinking everyone is out to get me and hurt me, so it doesn't make sense that I have these images in my head.

The Universe said...

I just ran my tarot, which is the only way to get me to calm down about all this. I can't say the Universe was just being nice to me. I know it is only honest. The Universe has told me that my heart is true and that I'm not wrong. I just have very unfortunate luck. I'm good at moving on and the obsticales in my way may very well be what I feel like my options are, in my ever changing position. It could also be related to how I feel about myself, and it doesn't look like my past trauma came up. That means it's not affecting me as much as I think it is, but I recount whenever things go wrong.

I have the building record that I have felt exists. Each expreince has been it's own, not tailed by anything. The love game is all about luck, and my luck is just bad. I can be less hard on myself now. Now, I can just cry about how unlucky I am, I guess. That's much better than believe I have the bad vibes of "mistakes" I've made in the past following me effecting my present and future. I still don't know what to do. If it's determined bad luck maybe I should stop trying to love out of knowing it won't work out. I can't change my luck. I'm still sad, but in a much less in a blaming others for what they've done or being self-hating for what I've done. Much less rueful and hateful reasons, for sure. I haven't made any mistakes. That's much more refreshing to know.

I guess that's it. I'll just stop trying.
That's it.
I'm dead.
No more.

(typed 4/4)

Days have gone by

It's been some days since the events of the last post, and I still feel like garbage. I spiraled into suicidal depression, but not because of the person. I was questioned by someone else how long I had known the person and I relieved i had only known them for about 2 weeks before I confessed my feelings. The fact that I had such strong feelings that fast is my biggest red flag of my emotional instability. I apologized to them, which is why the forgiveness came up. It's very kind of them, but I don't feel like I should be forgiven without learning my lesson. I really shouldn't have feelings for anyone if I'm that radical.

(typed 4/4)

Delta: Sexy Rejected Emotional Wasteland

(Typed 4/2)

I blew on a certain social media site, again. Funny enough it was after saying I was going to post about sexy and sexual stuff. I sure enough posted about my sexual trauma, though I wouldn't call it "sexy". I'm going to make due on my word, but I've probably wrecked all my Boston connections with what I said. I'm find with that, too, as I won't be going back to stay there for any amount of time aside from a layover to somewhere else. And, I'll avoid that - if possible, too.

I had enough of my own shit, yesterday. I went off about my failed relationship past and how it's affecting how I'm acting now. I don't have any hopes for a romantic future. I have a poor track record only full of people that have no idea what respect is, and Boston was no different. The person ignores my feelings, but is ok with talking to me.

At this point, I'm just playing a self destructive game with myself. I have this dagger I like to pass to people. I call it "affection", and I give it to a special person and I trust them not to stab me with it. They do, and when it happens another piece of me gets torn away and dies. A day cometh when I will have passed this dagger enough to tear away and kill all of me. when there's nothing left, I will be numb. That is when I will be the person I want to be. Dejected, rejected, and wiser from it.

I have failed you in every way

Another part of the reason why I took the rejection from the person I liked so harsh is that I changed nothing for them. I've been noticed to bring about change to those around me. I couldn't change anything for a person that I really cared about, and I'm so disappointed in myself. I just want to forget Boston ever happened.

On the other hand, I don't doubt that I needed for all that to happen, even though I don't like most of it. I met some great people, and I wouldn't take that back. The person that I expressed myself to didn't answer me, and someone I talked to said that a non-answer is an answer. It's dead. I accept that it's dead. Time to bury it. Pray over it and move on.

But, now I feel so useless. It feels like I'll never be able to help someone I care about and truly deserves my affection. Not all these other unworthy fucks I've had feelings for. Someone actually doing something with their life and has hopes and dreams and all that good admirable stuff. Of coruse, a part of me wants to quit and continue to be single and reject anymore romantic feelings, but I'm not going to quit this time. I'm sick of quitting when it comes to this part of my life. I'm going to keep trying and hope it works out. I'm going to accept the down time, though.