Forgiven// Getting ready to go!

I had to come to terms with an event that happened a long time ago. Someone I cared about very deeply died, and I wasn't at her bedside. I was a self-centered teen, and I thought she would get better, so I put off visiting her while she was in the hospital. She didn't recover as we had predicted, and she died a while later. If I had any inkling of a feeling that she wouldn't recover, I swear I would have been there, but the narrative around the situation was that she was going to be alright. And, it's not like I put my own thoughts into it. After getting the news she died, I had sudden chest pain that didn't completely subside for a while.

Soon, she came to me in my dreams and I cried and apologized for not being at her side before she left. She forgave me without hesitation. I had more dreams with her in them and she had the same comforting, forgiving presents she had in life. After a while the dreams stopped, and so did my chest pains. I wasn't in an environment where forgiveness was readily available, so I didn't know what it was back then, and all these years later I'm glad I see it now. I'm glad I know what true love is.

Days have gone by

It's been some days since the events of the last post, and I still feel like garbage. I spiraled into suicidal depression, but not because of the person. I was questioned by someone else how long I had known the person and I relieved i had only known them for about 2 weeks before I confessed my feelings. The fact that I had such strong feelings that fast is my biggest red flag of my emotional instability. I apologized to them, which is why the forgiveness came up. It's very kind of them, but I don't feel like I should be forgiven without learning my lesson. I really shouldn't have feelings for anyone if I'm that radical.

(typed 4/4)