still very taken aback

I know I keep coming back to this, but it continues to baffle me. 

But this is another part of the unpacking, I promise. 

It's just crazy to me that they were willing to destroy their own lives to hurt me. Don't get me wrong, I know that white violence knows no bounds, but it's usually to whatever the attackers believe is their benefit. There was absolutely no benefit in getting sued in an eviction and having that on their credit score and then getting sued by me and they will then have that on their credit score as well. 

And the guilt. They now have this thing that they did to somebody that they can't tell anyone for the rest of their lives, it's going to follow them around at least for the next 7 years on their credit reports. 

They probably didn't think I would sue them, though. It's unfortunately common for housemates to throw out people's things, but it's a statistical anomaly that I would sue. First and foremost, I'm black. People would assume that I would want to avoid courts and police at all costs. Second, I'm poor, but the courts have a poverty line waiver and people don't think about that. Also, small claims court is cheap. Third, it could be assumed that anyone would want to avoid retraumatizing themselves. Having to take inventory of what was stolen and running the risk of them actually showing up to court is retraumatizing. But there's also a fourth: we don't have to worry about the consequences of what you do if you're going to end your life. None of them are mentally well. All that's off if you're suicidal.

Something that people don't want to acknowledge is that suicide is never off the table. I know two white trans women that killed themselves to avoid accountability for the harm that they caused others. One of them was a former housemate at a previous house. This ain't my first rodeo. There are people who will absolutely do harm to people, know the harm that they're doing, and then check themselves back into the reincarnation station to avoid accountability. And they aren't all mass shooting cis white men. Some of them are white trans people that may not impose physical violence like shooting someone or even beating someone up, but are willing to do other forms of violence, like throw out someone's things and make them homeless and be white people that call a black person "dangerous" when they're the ones that have been the antagonizers. 

So, yeah...

reflection or Outlook

I really reflecting on and committing to taking my energy back and investing in myself: 

I'm not saying I'll never return to community Mutual Aid or anything and my capacity is definitely unpredictable, right now. 

I actually like people and I like helping people. I'm not good at selling things nor do I want to be. I want to be good with people. But a lot of people haven't done the work on being good with me. Are some people that do, but most don't. The best way I can process this is that I'm tired of the one-sided relationship that I've had with community. I really have been putting in more than I've been getting back. The mutual Aid hasn't been feeling Mutual. 

I was really working off of the western idea of karma points, and I can't say that was a totally failed idea but now I'm exhausted. Not resentful, though. I acknowledge I chose to do all of that. There was definitely no gun to my head about this and I thought I was doing the right thing. 

If I never return at all, then that is the best decision for me. 

If I return to a much lesser capacity, I'm fine with that, and really, for me being who I am that's probably the most likely outcome. 

If I decide to return to organizing in any capacity in a different community, that's also up to me. That's also another likely outcome. Let's say I live a long time, I'm not trying to spend that whole time in Minnesota. Maybe not even North America.

If I end up fading into obscurity in community, I will be in more personal success - so I'll take that trade off when it is. 

The part of being in community is a part of status. I acknowledge that I'm here because I'm poor. And my goal is to not stay poor. I do want wealth and privilege, for whatever that means. 

That doesn't mean I won't give what I can where I can, but I want to get out of poverty. I deserve to get out of poverty. 

I might be a weird thing to say at almost 40, but I've spent a lot of my life finding every reason to limit myself and dim myself down, because I was raised by people that didn't have any ambitions for me and didn't set me up with any safety nets in life so I spent a long time thinking I would just be stuck where I am. No more of that shit. I will get out of poverty! 

People helped me pull myself out of Shreveport, Louisiana. Now it's time to find new community for people to help pull me out of poverty. 

Do I want to be rich? Maybe. I don't know. Probably not. It looks like a lot of responsibility. Doesn't even look that pleasant. The people don't look good, either. But, I'll get out of poverty first, and see how I feel about that later.

where I'm at as of right now

It's suddenly really hitting me how I really helped out at smitten kitten. Not to say they couldn't do it without me, but there was a lot that I did and a lot more was going to do. 

I'm really frustrated by how all that got nuked by a poor white guy that doesn't even have a car, just because their trans. 

In my opinion, what happened with Badger is a great example on how white people and black people with the same mental illnesses can be treated differently. It's usually talked about with autism, but in this case Badger and I both have C PTSD, and Badger's trauma definitely got more validity than mine did. 

I was the one who gave that guy the housing for him to be able to start getting on back on his feet after their ex put most of their stuff on the front lawn. I got that kid off of their bestie's couch. And I got them on at volunteering at smitten kitten. And all of this is the thanks I get for that. I worked myself into a grief triggered eating disorder over all this shit!

I'm not going to allow my contributions to be erased over someone who is IN MY OPINION a cry baby that has access to all the pity from their white peers with no car, no job, and can't maintain any healthy relationships. Being surrounded by enablers isn't healthy. 

Fuck Badger and I shed that version of me that gave them kindness. Begone that version of me that wanted to do everything for them and wish them well. I am now putting that energy into myself. 

I also redirect that energy that I put into SK and that I was willing to put into SK back into myself as well. They've also shown they don't deserve my loyalty or well wishing. 

The best I once wished for them, I now wish for myself. 

『I』『'』『M』 『T』『A』『K』『I』『N』『G』 『M』『Y』 『F』『U』『C』『K』『I』『N』『G』 『E』『N』『E』『R』『G』『Y』 『B』『A』『C』『K』

≋I≋'≋M≋ ≋T≋A≋K≋I≋N≋G≋ ≋M≋Y≋ ≋F≋U≋C≋K≋I≋N≋G≋ ≋E≋N≋E≋R≋G≋Y≋ ≋B≋A≋C≋K≋

░I░'░M░ ░T░A░K░I░N░G░ ░M░Y░ ░F░U░C░K░I░N░G░ ░E░N░E░R░G░Y░ ░B░A░C░K░

(っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ I'M TAKING MY FUCKING ENERGY BACK ♥

Ⓘ    '⃝Ⓜ ⓉⒶⓀⒾⓃⒼ ⓂⓎ ⒻⓊⒸⓀⒾⓃⒼ ⒺⓃⒺⓇⒼⓎ ⒷⒶⒸⓀ

🅸'🅼 🆃🅰🅺🅸🅽🅶 🅼🆈 🅵🆄🅲🅺🅸🅽🅶 🅴🅽🅴🆁🅶🆈 🅱🅰🅲🅺

🄸'🄼 🅃🄰🄺🄸🄽🄶 🄼🅈 🄵🅄🄲🄺🄸🄽🄶 🄴🄽🄴🅁🄶🅈 🄱🄰🄲🄺

I deserve that energy, not them ❕

I'm okay with people who have wronged me and my oppressors ✨suffering ✨ ‼️

Meanwhile, my energy will very selfishly go to myself in love, protection, and productivity. And I will go forward doing a better job of nurturing my inner circles. I deserve my best and the people who haven't stabbed me in the back and fucked me over deserve my best. 🤎🖤🙇🏾

when was the last time I invested in myself?

Been far too long.

I've poured a lot into community and a lot has come out, don't get me wrong. But for all of the times that I've been back stabbed and betrayed, I'm taking a step back from organizing and becoming totally selfish with my energy. 

In preparing for my surgery and being intentionally low energy and low stress, I have realized that this is the better part of investing in myself. I think self-love might be an uphill battle for me, because I have a very hard time being gentle with myself, but it's time for one era to come to an end and another era to begin.

When I do something I do it hard. It's time to stop being hard. It's time to be soft.

Getting evicted, but why?

If the other two staying in the unit wanted to keep the place, why didn't they continue to pay their rent and cover the rent for the person who abandoned the lease? 

Part of the reason why this is happening is because they wanted me to move out and I wanted them to move out so neither of us moved out. But the MAIN part of this is that someone moved out and the room for that rent wasn't being covered, and the property manager and I weren't told that the person left. They also didn't apply for rent assistance to help or anything.

What really had me rolling was when one of the people said that they want me to move out and they can replace people for two rooms easily, but they're not going to do it while I'm on the lease because just being on the lease is "dangerous". But in the meantime, they weren't covering the rent for the room that was vacant, didn't tell the property manager and I the person left, and one of the people that was still living there, the "we" in the situation, stop paying rent while still living there. They didn't apply for rent assistance. And they didn't even want to leave, to leave me with repairing situation.

All I can conclude from this is that the only goal was displacing me. No regard of whatever else will happen or how they'll have to fix it, or interact with it or all the hoop still have to jump through to even avoid it. Just displacing me, because they didn't do anything to try to keep the place. 

"Dangerous" isn't a slur on its own but calling me dangerous is a racial aggression with a lot of historical relevance. One of the worst things a white person can do is call a black person dangerous, but that usually only works for white women. White men are expected to be the ones that handle the dangerous black person. 

This white person is trans, so they gave up access to both of those roles in living their truth. They cannot summon the violence of white cisgender men out of victimhood like a ciswoman, nor can they get white cisgender men to rally behind them in their violence like a cisman. There are plenty of racist white trans people, but so few of them willing enact that old school physical white supremacist violence, because they understand there's more consequences for them if they get caught. 

However, even though the attempt at trying to summon white supremacist violence failed due to this person not being cisgender, the fact that it was attempted should not be overlooked. This person still tried to get our cisgender white male property manager to "do something about me." I also theorized that the person stop paying rent, because the white cisgender male property manager couldn't/ didn't "do anything about me."

Two Amazon Workers Died After Being Denied Sick Leave At Bessemer, AL Wa...

Moving over!

Shit hit the fan on YouTube with a round of algorithm(?) based hard-perma-bans, so I'm moving everything I can to a new google email and making this email YouTude Only. With the expectation of some apps.

The new blog is: https://emoyoujo.blogspot.com/