Biological calls

today, my biological mother contacted me while I was out and about. Instead of sending a text message she sent a voicemail. It did a lot of shocking things to me to hear out old she was in her voice. She didn't even sound like herself, as it had been a long time since I've heard her voice and that accent. the person that gave birth to me and that I still lived with for the most part of 22 years sounded like a stranger.

And she is a stranger. After 5 years of all of my trials and tribulations, my successes and triumphs, I did not know her or any of my family after that. Leaving home was a huge Landmark, but I stop talking to them after Colorado - for full disclosure. I may as well have lunch myself out into space, for everything that I knew and became accustomed to that I left behind in Shreveport. But I made the triumphant decisions that have led me to be who I am today. Everything happened as it should, for the best influences for me to excel at my personal and interpersonal goals, and I know as long as I'm still alive I still have much to learn! And it will be without my blood relatives.

I keep thinking about it through her perspective. What is it like to have your child tell you that you are not longer wanted in their life? but I can't wonder too much, because the parents need to figure out that they have earned the punishment that they are receiving. I have no idea what the social standards are on this subject matter, but disowning someone is not an easy task. When you realize it's a thing that has to happen it's very emotionally and mentally taxing. Part of being an adult is facing your consequences, right? but today I found out that in America, being an adult means making your own boundaries and holding yourself to them. That's what being an adult is for me, and I feel like it's different for everyone. But I'm glad I figured it out before I  turned 30, even though that's not  far away.

and something that I'm very proud of is that I'm not crying about it. Whatever tears I've had about this have already been excreted. I've cried as much as I possibly can about all the has happened with my biological family. I will not ask them for another thing, and they will not get any more of my Tears. Contrary to popular belief, I don't owe them anything. Not even my life. I didn't choose to be here, nor did they choose this for me. It all just happened. Through very poor judgment, mind you, but it happened. I don't owe them what I didn't ask for. I don't owe them what I did ask for. I owe toxic, abusive people nothing.

Not moving// trans house mates?

My options: staying in this house - upside down Queen of Swords. Moving, but staying in Minneapolis or st. Paul - upside down Fortune. Moving out of state - upside down Eight of Cups. What will help me make my decision - upside down 9 cups.

It looks like my best option is to stay where I am for the time being, despite how I feel about it. It may not be as bad as I think it will be. I basically won't have any luck finding a new place to stay in this area, and all the other places that I look at outside of the state are "dried up". but I will Reserve that in context of the places that I'm looking at, and not apply that to any other places that I might not be looking at, but may come across in the future to consider. What will help me decide is either dissatisfaction or misery. and I will admit I've been very dissatisfied with my options and people's reactions to expressing the type of situation I want to live in.

But, a passing issue is finding decent people that also happen to be trans, that also happen to be women. I'm considering having another cis house mate for a while longer, because things aren't working out with that side of the family like I feel like they should. Another thing I'm having a huge problem with is white privilege. Which can lead to other problems, like a lack a spatcial awareness or easily forgetting what someone brown just told someone and why they said it. Or, maybe just feeling like someone is exmept from what was said, based on privilege.

I know I don't want to pick another person that was born and raised in the state, or another white person. But, family is a challenge. I really don't want to drop off on giving well-deserved people an opportunity but I've had enough of what this area has to offer with the issues I've already endured.

It's more to think on, and I have a lot of time to think about it. It is very disappointing that this is something I have to think about in such a way.

That ended!

So it turned out the dishwashing environment I was in turned very toxic, and someone walked off and a few days later I was fired over the same person. The person walked out because they were too frustrated to continue to be able to work with the person. I got fired for actively avoiding person. A lot of stuff happened on the day that I got fired, so I knew it was my last day. If they hadn't fired me I would have quit.

But it was a very horrible environment to be in. And a position like a dishwasher, where you only have your co-workers to talk to and no customers or anyone else to filter between is very important to get along with your co-workers. I feel like I was the only one who really cared about that and our little piece of the team. I could easily be incorrect, but what I know for sure is that other people really didn't care about what or how they were saying, and things didn't actually Fall Apart. I wasn't willing to work with the other person either, so it's all for the best. I don't waste my time on toxic people.

Nothing of value was awesome experience. I know I'll find another job! it would be nice to be able to sit somewhere for a year, though.

In due time, I'm feeling all of my confidence again because I'm bald again! I love being bald, and I missed it very much!

Open communication at work!

Things at the dishwashing job ate working out pretty well, so far. I have some physical stuff going on with the strenuous activity, but it's nothing that can't be resolved with an ice cold treatment. However, things boiled over between co-workers today after a meeting with our boss. All the issues boiled over, and open communication definitely needed to happen. It's too bad people were so overzealous they kept interrupting each other, which made things worse to an extent. But after all is said and done, people got along better. I'm glad I had that break down, because it's help me do a better job of identifying when I need to step away from a situation. I went over to a different area in the dishwashing section for some peace and quiet, after the conflict.

But the particular co-worker that was on the other end of the conflict is very overzealous, and uses overly abrasive Burbage. It's usually accusing someone of something, or throwing someone under the bus. This person has little to no chill, and we wonder with all these other skills that this person has why they aren't doing something else more challenging than being a dishwasher. The Stereotype that were very happy to conform to is that the dishwashing area is usually wear the most chill people are. We have our share of responsibilities and extracurricular activities that we could be doing during down time, but really we like to sit back, wash dishes, and get to know each other. The job not being so challenging in some areas allows people to have a flourish of personalities and even share interests. I feel like we're all doing that, but this person is doing way too much in the area of working out of their way. It's suspected that this person might be trying to make the rest of us look bad. It all remains to be seen on a consequential scale, if it ever comes to that.

Fabulous mood!

I've been experiencing a lot of positive changes recently! I went back for another yoga session today, and I just feel so much more gratuitous every time I go to a yoga class. I still have a problem with bashing myself for not being able to do the poses right, but in the moment, I understand that yoga is about doing what's best for you and it's not about pushing yourself too hard. The people around me care if I hurt myself, for a variety of reasons, and I'd certainly care if I hurt myself. And how I handle my yoga is definitely how I should handle my life. Do myself the better service of pushing myself and having new experiences and testing my limits, but not going out of my way to overexert myself in ways I know will be detrimental. But also, be determined and consistent.

I ran into a friend I haven't seen in person in over 6 months! That friend was able to pick me up off the ground in a hug, and that's not something I think that they would have been able to do over 6 months ago. It really made me think about where I am and where I want to be with my own physical stature. The friend did admit that they had to make some sacrifices to get to where they are, or at least for it to show. That friend is a bike mechanic so surely they would gain some strength in the line at work, but for it to show as well as it does means that they had to cut the carbs. I love carbohydrates! I just couldn't see my life without them, but I can also stand to take in more protein. I don't watch what I eat, and I've decided to dramatically decrease my meat intake. Even if I don't cut back on the carbs, I still need to pick up on the protein to be able to stay standing.

I also went into a sauna, for the first time! It felt so good to sweat in dry heat! Walking back out into the air-conditioned locker room was painfully invigorating!

Over the past few days, I had my very first Couchsurfing guest! For the first time, I was on the other side of the experience, and it was amazing! I'm very fortunate that my first guest was enthusiastic about being in the area! I'm also very fortunate that I have roommates and a lot of friends to help me entertain! And a huge bonus for this guest also having hosted people, so I could get more feedback on that part of the experience and have better Insight on where I want to be with how I want to navigate and guide the influence with the type of hosting experience I want to have.

Much to look forward to!