I recently looked at the blogs and art on sites that I've been on (and off) of for a long time. There are a few site that I've been on for 5 to 10 years, already. On some blogs I could go back as far as '09. To me, that's a long way back - it was 3 years before I got my GED. That means it was after the main part of my depressive stages as a teenager after I dropped out of school There are some things that I thought would change with time, or would change when I changed the environment, but it turns out that a personality doesn't change.
What can be said is that the changes that were made were no-doubt necessary for my own sake. I'm glad I'm no longer in that place, with those people, doing those things. No more bad company due to lack of self worth. No more "so-called" loved ones only using me and denying me my true self. So many personal wars have ended, while other small battle rage on, but I know that closure doesn't exist. Battles and wars will continue for as long as I live. I will try to make the wars shorter, and the battles less bloody, but that is all I can try to do.
Saturday, February 27, 2016
Friday, February 19, 2016
Terrible Lies
When I saw younger I couldn't believe our government would do anything that would hurt us. I saw so trusting. I didn't believe anyone that people would trust to put in authority would do anything to hurt us... But, then I turned 13.
Saturday, February 13, 2016
Monday, February 08, 2016
A change of style
As someone that;'s been presenting as masculine for a long time, the wave of change has the idea of presenting as feminine is coming on. I've been growing out my hair and nails, looking at more dresses and shirts... I've been afraid of being feminine because of the violence that comes with it in American culture, but I can't let other people scare me out of my will anymore.
This is a violent country, in general, mind you - but the feminine seems to attract more violence as it is advertised as "the weak". There are so many elements to our culture at support this. On the other hand, some people will still insist on letting "women" go first, which really becomes a hindrance and annoyance in certain crowds. No, I don't want to go first because of my genitals. I don't want to be pitied, I want respect, but there seems to be no way to earn it. The long list of what a "real woman" is makes itself defeating as to the roles and "usage" of those that identify as women. "Real women have curves" "Real women support themselves." "Real women are at home with the kids." The list goes on until it comes back 360 and all women are just fake. Combine that with the list of "Real men" and the invisibility of intersex, and no one is a real person at all. We are just figments of our imaginations. Products of our own design, and nothing else outside of that is suppose to exist. A reflection of our desires, despite ourselves. We are all composed of the wills and purposes of another?
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Happy Lunar New Year! Year of the Monkey!
This is a violent country, in general, mind you - but the feminine seems to attract more violence as it is advertised as "the weak". There are so many elements to our culture at support this. On the other hand, some people will still insist on letting "women" go first, which really becomes a hindrance and annoyance in certain crowds. No, I don't want to go first because of my genitals. I don't want to be pitied, I want respect, but there seems to be no way to earn it. The long list of what a "real woman" is makes itself defeating as to the roles and "usage" of those that identify as women. "Real women have curves" "Real women support themselves." "Real women are at home with the kids." The list goes on until it comes back 360 and all women are just fake. Combine that with the list of "Real men" and the invisibility of intersex, and no one is a real person at all. We are just figments of our imaginations. Products of our own design, and nothing else outside of that is suppose to exist. A reflection of our desires, despite ourselves. We are all composed of the wills and purposes of another?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy Lunar New Year! Year of the Monkey!
Wednesday, February 03, 2016
Vicarious
Someone once outwardly told me that they wanted to live vicariously through me, as a traveler. I was a little creepy by it, but I had sympathy for the person and their situation. As we got to know each other, my sympathy lessened and my wariness of the person increased. That aside, it's the feeling that goes along with the idea. It is really a good intended thing to want to do something through someone else, not even by real proxy?
Once upon a time, I thought it would be a good idea to have sex with someone because I know that a way to get aura to rub off on someone is to make it a literal thing. They rejected me (, and I'm glad they did) and I turned jealous of their luck. They had other factors working for them, however - they are a heterosexual, tall, college educated, white male - my antithesis. It also dawned on me that I would not be as privileged as many of my traveling counterparts, but for some reason THAT really hit me. I've heard of white travelers getting rides where as colored travelers have a much harder time, and have to work harder to be able to get traveling tickets. I've mostly traveled by bus, and of my own conviction for the sake of my safety. I also have to worry about myself as a female. At least if some freak tries to attack me on a bus I will have the opportunity to publicly humiliate someone with me being in the right. I'll do my best to beat the shit out of them, as well.
Now-a-days, I've opened myself up to rideshare options. Having to buy a ticket all the time is taxing, and since I know I will beat the fuck out of someone if they try anything I'm very secure with myself in the situation. It's all about the instincts to feel out a situation, though. If anyone gives someone any red flags that means don't do it. It's a learned behavior for many but I hope everyone isn't put in such a dire situation that means they wouldn't be able to come back from it. There's also the traveling safety measures - take pictures of the plates and contact trusted people on who you're with and where you're going. You can even go with the "If you don't hear back from me in this amount of time call the cops/ other trusted persons". I'm also carrying more than my hand-to-hand skills as a weapon.
I don't see why anyone would want that, though. Why life through a person with such insecurities and standards? I choose the hard way of doing this; I know there are much more privileged travelers but whatever means they've come by. Have a vehicle gives them more privilege over me, and also more responsibility with said accessibility. Why want to do anything by proxy of someone at the bottom of the social food chain? It logical for me to envy someone at the top, but what do you gain from admiring someone at the bottom? I just can'[t understand.
Once upon a time, I thought it would be a good idea to have sex with someone because I know that a way to get aura to rub off on someone is to make it a literal thing. They rejected me (, and I'm glad they did) and I turned jealous of their luck. They had other factors working for them, however - they are a heterosexual, tall, college educated, white male - my antithesis. It also dawned on me that I would not be as privileged as many of my traveling counterparts, but for some reason THAT really hit me. I've heard of white travelers getting rides where as colored travelers have a much harder time, and have to work harder to be able to get traveling tickets. I've mostly traveled by bus, and of my own conviction for the sake of my safety. I also have to worry about myself as a female. At least if some freak tries to attack me on a bus I will have the opportunity to publicly humiliate someone with me being in the right. I'll do my best to beat the shit out of them, as well.
Now-a-days, I've opened myself up to rideshare options. Having to buy a ticket all the time is taxing, and since I know I will beat the fuck out of someone if they try anything I'm very secure with myself in the situation. It's all about the instincts to feel out a situation, though. If anyone gives someone any red flags that means don't do it. It's a learned behavior for many but I hope everyone isn't put in such a dire situation that means they wouldn't be able to come back from it. There's also the traveling safety measures - take pictures of the plates and contact trusted people on who you're with and where you're going. You can even go with the "If you don't hear back from me in this amount of time call the cops/ other trusted persons". I'm also carrying more than my hand-to-hand skills as a weapon.
I don't see why anyone would want that, though. Why life through a person with such insecurities and standards? I choose the hard way of doing this; I know there are much more privileged travelers but whatever means they've come by. Have a vehicle gives them more privilege over me, and also more responsibility with said accessibility. Why want to do anything by proxy of someone at the bottom of the social food chain? It logical for me to envy someone at the top, but what do you gain from admiring someone at the bottom? I just can'[t understand.
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