Enough is enough!

Since I've left Boston and came out to the Twin Cities I've been beating myself to a pulp. I'm not good looking. I'm not smart. No one I like respects me. All that kind of shit. None of it's true. I may not be what I want to be, but I am what I am, and that's all I have!

I've decided to end it. I'm relatively alright looking. That's good enough. I'm loyal! I'm ok with the smarts. I don't really care about being smart. I just felt stupider than the last person I had attraction for. I felt like they didn't respect me because of the intelligence gap. Fuck that, now, though. First of all, they said anything like that. They picked on me once and I took it really hard because of past events, but if they really didn't respect me they wouldn't have hung out with me. I still have a hard time accepting that i like men/ males/ masco but I need to get over that for my own sake. I'm also accepting that I've been single for a long time and I want to change that. I want a partner (in crime), and I'm very into Asians and some types of whites, so that's what I'm looking for!

I really blew up all over the person I like via text and social media. There's no turning back from that. I would still rather people know how I feel, and it being open and honest ends their interest in me there's nothing I can do about that. If it doesn't we can keep moving forward, together!

But, in the meantime I need to be realistic and straighten out things I will and won't accept from people.What am I looking for in a partner and all that. Set guidelines and standards, but still be attracted to whomever I want. There are few written in stone with me.

Ok! I'm ready! Let's do this! It's more-than-friend-type relationship time!

Do You Need to Get Married & Have Kids?

Are Witches Feminist Icons?

Sympathy for my bad bloods

About that sexual person in Boston. I didn't see how how anti-sex I had become until I got here with these people. Some of the anger I felt was out of a sense of unfairness that I had to know more about the individual's sexual details when they didn't care to ask anything about me. It evoled into a hate for the persons sexualy energy which reflected on my subverted hatred for sex, just as much as violence.

In truth, I don't hate sex or violence. I hate how lightly take them as they are very serious subjects and actions. Honestly, I'll probably kill before I have sex. I feel like I would rather, because I don't have to trust anyone to kill them. I know there are people with much looser sexual morals, but I need trust for that. I'm speaking for myself.

(This was suppose to be after "No Hate", but it posted in the line position as it was in drafts, and it looks off in post order. Thanks, Blogger. Whatever.)

When someone doesn't tell me I have to figure it out

After some research I have deducted that I have been dealing with child abuse and sexual assault victims. One of them was very expressive about their abuse. As someone else that was abused I could directly relate to them because of how open they are about it. However, with the sexual abuse victim I noticed they had very different behavior, and very conflicting behavior and speech. I didn't understand it, and it frustrated me, but after conversing about the issue with someone else they introduced the idea of child abuse. At first, I was too pissed off by the situation for logical but after a good night's sleep I did some research. This person shows clear signs of being a sexual assault victim.

One thing that I pointed out to myself beforehand is that this person doesn't act like normal people acts. I've met people with the same interests, and I would call them over the top, and sometimes overbearing, but that's not how I would be able to categorize this person. The show clearly damaged behavior, and with emotional and mental trauma the signs can be 2 ends of the same problem in one display.

There is nothing I can do to help this person. They show the anger signs, and pride is usually behind those. I can only offer to help those that want help.

No hate

My time for Boston draws near. The person I told my feelings doesn't hate me, and I will continue to tease them while I'm here (as long as they're ok with it). I'm so sad that I have to leave them. I'm sad I couldn't help while I was here. It hurts to have a greater chance of never seeing them again. I'll leave something for them. I don't know if it's right to leave a note, but I'll leave a stone for them. Might even leave a whole necklace, with the likelihood that they won't wear it but the effort is worth way more than nothing.

As for the sexual one, I have resolved that we are indeed 2 sides of the same coin. We've only interrupted our traumatic events different. I can only hope that the person will seek out the help they need someday, instead of continuing the path of self destruction.

I don't feel like anything happened here. I don't feel like I helped anyone or made an impact. It maybe strange that I feel that way. I'm also sad that I couldn't help the person that I had come to care for.

~~~

This is the LAST post made in Boston! This is the end of the Boston era!

I told

I told someone that I like how I feel. I may have messed things up with my expression, but I'm ok with that. Even if I've ruined everything, and I never fall for anyone again, I'm glad this happened. It was a man/ male person, and the first person that I don't regret having feelings for. Usually, I pick losers but I feel like this person has always been the same and will continue to be the same after I express myself, and even if they aren't I'll be happy with just having known them. I still do want to put my attraction towards people aside, but this feeling reminds me of what I fight for.

The love of community is the most important thing in my life. I will always have love. I don't know what love will ever look like in any part of my life but I have it and I'm thankful that I do. No matter how much others hurt my feelings or no matter how much I hurt my own feelings I'll always come back for the power of love compels me! No matter how much pain there is, love and joy is also there! I can never give up on humanity because I know we need each other.

How to Respond to a Rape Survivor

Kaada - Thank You For Giving Me Your Valuable Time.

For you...

I wish I could hug you
Shatter that jaded shell of adulthood
All that anger to just fall off that child like sand
I want to kiss you, cuddle you, love you
Tell you everything is going to be alright
I don't how or when but we all have to have faith that one day everything will be alright
But, I can't do that at all
In fact, I will never see you again
And it makes me sad in my soul

Zika Addiction

(Written while I was still in Boston. Posted after I left.)

I am considering taking another break from couchsurfing for a while. My most recent host from Boston uses couchsurfer for shopping. You know what I'm talking about. We had a talk earlier that day and I thought I was going to be able to think of them in a cool way up until I left, but the universe reminded me that sex rules all expect me.

The other guest had been there for 2 days, most of the talking they did was from the host, she said she might have Zika AND THE HOST TO BE AT WORK IN AN HOUR and they had sex. Are you real? That's just too much for me. That's just way too irresponsible for me to maintain respect for them. They seriously put sex before their well-being and livelihood. I know it happens all the time, but I don't associate with people that do that kind of thing. I can take this for what it is, because as of now my only other choose is the streets but after this I'm never speaking to them again. I'm probably never coming back to Boston again if this is all I can get.

To be honest with you while I'm here I'm interested in observing this behavior. There seems to be a need to be surrounded by people even though it's been expressed that it's undesired. I'm disgusted but not so much to ignore it. Something deep is going on with this situation by psychological means and I don't want to turn a blind eye to the educational value of this experience.

Once upon a time I wanted to fit in with mainstream culture. Yes, they are miserable, and they are miserable together. They have community and each other to turn to in their suffering. But, now I see I don't want to suffer like them. I don't want to suffer with them. I don't want to suffer at all and being away from them is the only way to do that. What happens with my isolation I don't consider suffering. I will not look for their approval. I will not be upset with them, anymore. I will just observe them.

Wanting things I don't want?

I use to feel very content with being alone and I preferred to be that way. I can feel my companionship hang ups subside as I feel the increasing desire for others to share my moments and memories with.

Love at first sight is all about appearance and preferences. It doesn't have anything to do with the person/s, themselves.

Animals are more dependent.

The person that I am, and the person that I want to be will always be different people. I want to abandon the desire for companionship, but I don't want it to be by hateful means. I usually express myself in such an angry, frustrated way - as to what I'm use to. I love people but I don't want them. I really don't understand it. I want everyone to be safe and happy, and banish the harmful people, but I would rather be overseeing them than with them. I would rather observe their happiness and harmony than be apart of it. I absolutely hate it when people are mean to each other, but I can handle it when people are mean to me. I wouldn't say I'm so quick to banish people for no reason. People that commit crimes against their fellow man should be banished, and it should be based directly on action and intention than morality.

I understand that I need people. And, in a need a want would make the need more rewarding, but it has turned into too much want. It became a thing that I got use to and mindlessly wanted more of. It kept getting me what I wanted, but I now want my wants to change. Others can really only help so much, and I can't be afraid to go out on my own. My only excuse is trying to get to know a new area in the easiest way possible, but I manage to get around when no one is willing to help me.

I need to dig through this dependent ego I've developed and get back into my own bubble what I truly believe is my role in this life. People are such a fun distraction, but I can put aside the pain with the joy to be the overseeing force I strive to be.

Do I appear rueful for being social?

Theta: Overwhelming Righteous Boston

The people that offered the place and job reneged their offer. They originally said  it was for security issues because I left so quietly, but I don't believe that. I really think it was my attitude towards some of the behavior that goes on in the house, and the fact that those disrespectful kids had sex on the couch. There's also a past issue of someone else that they tried to help and ended up ripping them off.

I feel it's for the best. I was getting frustrated with the temp service operation and Boston's layout really pisses me off. And, I think I made it clear about how I feel about sexual behavior in my last post. I feel like things like that should be handled more discreetly when their are other people in close proximity. Don't have sex in the living room (more so when it's attached to someone else's sleeping area AND there are other guests in the same room with you), and close the door to your bedroom. If you're the loud type that can't be helped, but closing the door is an "at least we tried".

They said that they talked to the other roommates about the situation, but when I talked to the others 1 said they weren't told anything and they others only knew that I left but they didn't say anything about any "security issues", and didn't give the impression that they knew I was still allowed in the apartment but that I was leaving soon due to the change in decisions.

I don't like being lied to, but it's probably for the best. No more drama needs to happen in the house than need-be. I was told traffic in the house would deceased due to the security issues, but there are other behind that, if that's even a truth to go on. Not that matters to me, but it came up so it's to be addressed too.

Unfortunately, this is a host with a one sided view of the respect and boundary lines between guests and hosts. I didn't have the talk I usually have with my hosts about understanding that we are equal in the risks we take and getting their views on how general respect is handled. But, with the other things that went on I think I've seen and learned enough from their end. It's disappointing that I didn't get my end out in the open, but that doesn't matter now either. This host doesn't do a good job of getting to know their guests before unloading their ideals on them. It's what happens when the cause(s) take over.

I would like to think a need for slow down was seriously considered instead of being a cover up, but not everything that needs to be slowed down will be.

~

.Hack field titles recurring theme, now. I'm going to see if any keywords fro the real game series will ever apply to a post and use those. A little extra something for the .Hack fans and if you still have the games maybe visit those areas.

Lana Del Rey - Once Upon A Dream (Kristijan Majic Remix)

Lancor - Cobalt Blue (feat. Liar)

Are Open Relationships OK? feat. DaveyWavey

Beta: Disrespectful sexual white boy

As I've started writing this I still haven't gotten a fill nights, sleep, but I will post this AFTER I have. My typing isn't all that great on 3 consecutive nights of very little sleep.

I'll take from the top on how I ended up at the airport: Right now, I'm staying with some people in Boston for I have agreed to help them with a civil rights related cause. It's my usual women's right stuff, but I'm happy to have the opportunity in any case, and I'll be making some money. A white cis het male guest came in and he was ok for about 5 seconds before I started getting negative vibes from him. Some emergency female guests came in, the host and guests went to a party, and sure enough someone came back to the house and had sex.

I sleep on the couch in the living room when there are few or no guests and the large closest when their are many. I originally volunteered the couch to one of the females, but the male hopped in with her. The host said if they have sex put a sheet under them because other people use that couch and it's an open space. I included that I sleep on the couch when no one else is here and only half joked about going back to Providence if they had sex on the couch. I was not ok with laying in anyone's juices, and the couch is really the most comfortable thing to sleep on! Also the sheer disrespect for me as a roommate and the host. If I'm going to be in a chaotic disrespectful environment I can go back to the shelter in Providence. At least, in the shelter they have community connections and housing programs. The punk scene in Providence is good, too.

The next day I talked about it with them long after the females left and he repeated that SHE was the one that was clear on having sex with a sheet between them and the couch. It was like I was the only one that caught his underlined disregard and that she was one to have a strict respect for the rule about the couch.

The next night it was only him as a guest, so I was going to sleep in the living room on the futon and continue giving the couch to guests. The futon isn't great but it's better than sleeping bag on the floor. We had a talk as guests about other couch surfing experiences and HE brought up the subject of female hosts that only host females. I said the reason was for the advertised threat of violence against women, and sometimes it's a situational thing.

He came up the reason of women not wanting to address the sexual tension they might have with their guests. I admitted that was a possibility on a case by case bases, but that's not the main reason. He actually tried to back-and-forth with me on and and even yelled over what I was saying to be the dominate one in the conversation. I usually yell back, but people where going to bed like we were, and I wasn't going to stoop to his level while everyone was cooling down. If it had been a different setting I would have easily proved that it takes a lot to out yell me. He's convinced himself that a female having a weak sense of sexual integrity is the MAIN reason why there are some females that choose to host only other females.

Picking up that the kid is a misogynist I moved myself back into the closest and he asked about it. I didn't answer and said good night. When he first came in the host asked if I was taking the closest and when I said yes the host said his stuff will stay outside the closest RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. In asking about it while I was in there he no respect for my space, and was already planning to take it away from me as if he were entitled to it. If it were humanly possible to punch all of the blood out of someone's body in one blow I would know how and I would have done it the next day outside, because I would never want to mess out the nice living room. But, before I left I questioned him on how much longer he would be in the house. He said the host gave him permission to stay as long as he needed to, as his situation was so unclear. THAT'S why I left the apartment. I packed my stuff that morning and texted the host that I left and I would be willing to return when the kid was gone if they were ok with it.

This child has no regard for boundaries or personal space, and has no respect for anyone. Between those events I had to cutting him off for cutting other people off while speaking so they could finish what they were saying. I even had to tell him to shut up after he kept trying to go back and forth with someone else on a different issue. The host was there and jumped in a changed the subject on that one, though.

And, yet I was the only one to see how poorly mannered and freeloading this kid is. I asked the host and another roommate about him before I left and they said he was ok and they hadn't seen any of his ugliness. Mind you the other people in the apartment are male, with various gender identities, but still very male. Sex happened again (with different people) that next night which is an added annoyance to my lack of sleep, but I wouldn't care if I hadn't heard them. With the kid I was worried that he would intentionally do something gross and I would still end out sleeping in bodily fluid. All that really had me looking forward to Minneapolis. I want to get all this over with and leave all this behind me.

I needed to spend last night at the airport. I got a little more sleep than I had the past 3 nights (the first night of lack of sleep is left out, as it is unrelated to all this. Like I said, the futon isn't that great.) I needed to vent online and get a few more zzz's than I had been getting, though the airport wasn't that comfortable. Once in a comfortable position, I could ignore most of the noises. No one was having sex near me was what I cared most about at that point.

Happy Leap Day to me, huh?

~

Looking at this after I've had sleep there is only one part I took out. The rest of it's staying, but that I took out has to do with a change I'll be making on my CS profile, so it will be seen in it's own way, anyway.

The joke with the title is .Hack related. If you know what .Hack is high five your screen! You get the joke! If you don't know what .Hack is, I recommend a look see.