Getting over 2619 (w/ Bennett Foddy)

I haven't seen my therapist and weeks, but I'm flushing out my feelings on various platforms, including talking to people in person. I feel myself starting to come down from the anger of what happened at my previous house. As I'm coming down from how I think about it, I'm starting to have violent dreams about the people I interacted with. I don't have any guilt to address, we're just having pity arguments that escalate. I guess that's a part of my emotional detox, but I am still on the path of changing my thinking. Those old people are invested in a crumbling platform. Broken relationships, built off of toxic intentions, and a house that can literally collapse at any moment due to the offset foundation. The most I think about it now is how much more it would convenient it would be to get to and from work on Lake Street. But now I think about it in terms of not willing to sacrifice convenience for peace.

I have peace in the home that I am residing in now, and I hope to have peace in my next location. and the convenience of getting to and from work wouldn't do me any good, if I were injured or died in a collapsed house. I wouldn't be able to focus at work with all the drama going on at the house. I want work to be work, not an escape from other tensions. I didn't feel like I came out a winner, initially, but I know that I did, and I'm going to start acting like it. I was forced out of a dysfunctional situation with toxic people, in a soon-to-be dilapidated house. and I was forced out, after I made the very poor personal decision of trying to be dedicated to it, so it's clear that the Universe has other plans for my mental, physical, emotional, and financial well-being.

On the subject of work, I've been going in less due to the weather. I've picked up on some of my former better habits of meditation, burning sage and incense, drinking more water, and doing my stretches more regularly. I've added on getting massages. I've also picked up some great detox teas!

It's also become apparent that my job is not a very reliable source of income, so I'm branching out to consider other forms of income. right now, the ideas to invest more in my art, and hopefully be able to monetize that and do commissions. More monetization of products, than personal commissions. I also might try to get in on that YouTube money - that apparently no one is making these days and everyone's going to patreon! of course, I have no intention of silly depending on YouTube, if I decide to do that. With its ad monetization flaws, censorship demonetization, and so many other political and social issues. I think my art is the best route, but the two routes that I've thought of our way better routes than depending on an inconsistent work and client flow.

Hopefully, the ups will keep going up.

Time is precious

I might be able to see why some people that can don't disown their toxic family. It's a different kind of burden to think about the last conversation I had, and hoping it's the last conversation I'll ever have - no matter what was said.

But, would rather have this over toxic people believing their entitled to my time. I'm the only person that is entitled to my time, because it's time I won't get back. And, that will never change. And, that's why I did this.

Validation

I've been talking to people about what happened with my housemates, and in talking about it - I've come to terms with how I could have done things differently. I need to work on being my better person, for people I feel deserve it. I don't feel that way about this situation, however. I don't feel like these are people that deserve it. Maybe it's not so much their age, as much as it is the one person that knows how much drama has already been in this house, and intentionally and selfishly brought in another dramatic person.

 I've considered that maybe I would treat them differently if they were closer to my age group, but I probably wouldn't. After 2 years, maybe I would be where I am now because of everything that's already happened without the difference playing a part. All the while, I will admit their age is something factoring in. But, everything in it's place as it is now is exactly what it needs to be. I would hate imagine otherwise, where I would play into the drama for any reason outside of the circumstances in play. If it were anything else, I would still resolve to not be around this situation, because of what's happened to me and my experiences. Their age really doesn't matter - it's my age that matters. I take making it to 30 very seriously, and I know I don't want to be like them when I get old. I take my experiences very seriously, which is why I'm handling this differently. I can't leave one endless cycle of hate with my biological family to join another with anyone. I've broken those bonds and signed it with my own blood and tears to never do it again.

That's me.

Hi Stranger (Original) - KIRSTEN LEPORE

An actual post - Protesting, Happy New Year!

It's been a good few months since a personal post, and not music. A lot of big things have been going on, and I've been more into sharing them with my f&f, instead of here. Given our current political climate, I know I'm going to go through a lot of changes - some of them I'll dislike. I'm putting up a list of goals, next to a list of activism, next to a list of distractions to get myself through the next 4 years.

Right now, I'm going through a lot of emotional stuff with the protests I've been attending and how I take part. I reject bigotry, but I don't feel comfortable with angry, and I don't want people to get hurt. At the some time, there are people out there that want to hurt me, my f&f, and the the communities I identify with. And, as much as I would rather live in a utopia of joy and acceptance I know that's not going to happen.

I feel excited, scared, and eager! That's as simple as it can be said, and I know any others have a wide variety of unexplainable feelings, right now. We know what we're angry. we what we're angry about. We don;t know how we should handle it, but we know the way we've been handling it doesn't work because all this has happened. Democracy isn't working.

Days have gone by

It's been some days since the events of the last post, and I still feel like garbage. I spiraled into suicidal depression, but not because of the person. I was questioned by someone else how long I had known the person and I relieved i had only known them for about 2 weeks before I confessed my feelings. The fact that I had such strong feelings that fast is my biggest red flag of my emotional instability. I apologized to them, which is why the forgiveness came up. It's very kind of them, but I don't feel like I should be forgiven without learning my lesson. I really shouldn't have feelings for anyone if I'm that radical.

(typed 4/4)

No hate

My time for Boston draws near. The person I told my feelings doesn't hate me, and I will continue to tease them while I'm here (as long as they're ok with it). I'm so sad that I have to leave them. I'm sad I couldn't help while I was here. It hurts to have a greater chance of never seeing them again. I'll leave something for them. I don't know if it's right to leave a note, but I'll leave a stone for them. Might even leave a whole necklace, with the likelihood that they won't wear it but the effort is worth way more than nothing.

As for the sexual one, I have resolved that we are indeed 2 sides of the same coin. We've only interrupted our traumatic events different. I can only hope that the person will seek out the help they need someday, instead of continuing the path of self destruction.

I don't feel like anything happened here. I don't feel like I helped anyone or made an impact. It maybe strange that I feel that way. I'm also sad that I couldn't help the person that I had come to care for.

~~~

This is the LAST post made in Boston! This is the end of the Boston era!

I told

I told someone that I like how I feel. I may have messed things up with my expression, but I'm ok with that. Even if I've ruined everything, and I never fall for anyone again, I'm glad this happened. It was a man/ male person, and the first person that I don't regret having feelings for. Usually, I pick losers but I feel like this person has always been the same and will continue to be the same after I express myself, and even if they aren't I'll be happy with just having known them. I still do want to put my attraction towards people aside, but this feeling reminds me of what I fight for.

The love of community is the most important thing in my life. I will always have love. I don't know what love will ever look like in any part of my life but I have it and I'm thankful that I do. No matter how much others hurt my feelings or no matter how much I hurt my own feelings I'll always come back for the power of love compels me! No matter how much pain there is, love and joy is also there! I can never give up on humanity because I know we need each other.