closing the mental and emotional drain

Unlike most subjects, I've talked about this one a lot since it happened, and I've gotten feedback, and it has been another development. This all happened in rapid succession.

so, a few weeks ago I offered to help a friend with a relationship situation. The people that are involved in my housemates, and I would rather be friends with people that I live with. Fully, but still offering to help where I can.

A few days ago, the person asked me to see if I can find any unbiased individuals to help their relationship mend in the communication area. I go out and try to find at least in my professional people that know how to facilitate space for them to get themselves right in.

the other one, who I've never talked to you about this goes out and do whatever process comes across someone that I know that as far as I know doesn't have experience in facilitating communication space. I'm saying as far as I know, because I talk to this person on various occasions but we never talked about anything like that. And I have my own set of assumptions that comes from my frustrated mind, but I really don't know if this person has experience in that area or not.

they tell me that they picked this person after I found someone who has already decided to accept them who has experience in holding mental and emotional space, with a small fee. the statment was presented to me by the person who has asked for my assistance that all parties have definitively agreed on the situation. The person that they picked to help the has asked me to meet with them to talk about my relationship with them and how I feel being around them, and is sitting on "maybe" with deciding to help them.

But, between the time that they told me about the person, and the person contacting me, I told them that I would no longer be involved in their mental and emotional situations. I went out of my way to try to find good quality resources, and they don't care. the person I found accepted them, and they rejected them for somebody who might not even get involved. I don't know if they have a back-up plan. I don't know what led this to this decision. All I know is I'm pissed off that I wasted my time and energy trying to help them when I feel like I put forth my best efforts and gathering resources.

I plan on continuing to contribute to the household as a community member, and of course I will use direct and blunt communication whenever issues arise. But their mental and emotional stuff is what I'm done with.

for as hellish and chaotic as my last house was, I'm now glad that I went through it. I'm setting much stricter boundaries much quicker, and I know I'm better off that way.

I don't have the mental health for men

Last night, I made a comment among those waves. I felt like I was talking more about relationships in general, and I didn't say anything about men in that context. But we did spend some of the night bashing man in different contexts. When I finally got home, being is exhausted from work is my coworkers, I had a very related dream.

I remember the dream with a lot of its details intact, but the details that are important are the ones where I got into a relationship with a YouTuber and felt him up but then felt bad about it. He even asked me if I was okay, and I said no. it's like I feel bad for having an attractive boyfriend, because I didn't know what to do with myself or him. And we were at some kind of event or something. Aside from a scene about living at work and workers rights, the went back out to the event. By the way, that part of the dream was celebrity casted.

and then one of my crushes from elementary and middle school came up with his best friend. I even remembered both of their names! And the guy that actually had a crush on was super hot! Buy video game standards, pun intended.it was weird. He had the same face, but his body was totally different. He was all unrealistically buff. And his friend looked normal. We had a short interaction, and we didn't touch each other.

Ever since that last abuser from some years ago, I haven't had any realistic notions of trying to date men again. I understand why the YouTuber came in, because it's very inconsequential to be in a crush type of relationship with someone behind a screen, where you get to know everything about them but they don't even know you exist. But pulling up my crush from Elementary and middle School was very out there! but that is an implication of the dreams realistic value, for sure. And maybe his friend being there had something to do with it. All I remember is how tight they were, even though I didn't really like the other dude because he had a much more stank attitude. But if he wasn't meant to be a part of the message, he wouldn't have been there. Maybe he would have, I don't know. Maybe they're together now, and him also being in my dream is a representation of their soul linking Bond.

I don't feel like I have a lot to think about when it comes to men though. There were no women or others and that related part of my dreams. I do have a social anxiety about men, because they're more likely to commit violence. And the heteropatriarchy dictates that violence is acceptable. I don't want the responsibility of dating a man. Fortunately, I have many more options to choose from, so I don't have to worry about any of that! If I ever even want to try dating, again, that is! The game is played out, and I've already accepted my fate. I'm not worried about it. It's just very interesting in telling. It answered a lot more questions than it asked.

Days have gone by

It's been some days since the events of the last post, and I still feel like garbage. I spiraled into suicidal depression, but not because of the person. I was questioned by someone else how long I had known the person and I relieved i had only known them for about 2 weeks before I confessed my feelings. The fact that I had such strong feelings that fast is my biggest red flag of my emotional instability. I apologized to them, which is why the forgiveness came up. It's very kind of them, but I don't feel like I should be forgiven without learning my lesson. I really shouldn't have feelings for anyone if I'm that radical.

(typed 4/4)

Enough is enough!

Since I've left Boston and came out to the Twin Cities I've been beating myself to a pulp. I'm not good looking. I'm not smart. No one I like respects me. All that kind of shit. None of it's true. I may not be what I want to be, but I am what I am, and that's all I have!

I've decided to end it. I'm relatively alright looking. That's good enough. I'm loyal! I'm ok with the smarts. I don't really care about being smart. I just felt stupider than the last person I had attraction for. I felt like they didn't respect me because of the intelligence gap. Fuck that, now, though. First of all, they said anything like that. They picked on me once and I took it really hard because of past events, but if they really didn't respect me they wouldn't have hung out with me. I still have a hard time accepting that i like men/ males/ masco but I need to get over that for my own sake. I'm also accepting that I've been single for a long time and I want to change that. I want a partner (in crime), and I'm very into Asians and some types of whites, so that's what I'm looking for!

I really blew up all over the person I like via text and social media. There's no turning back from that. I would still rather people know how I feel, and it being open and honest ends their interest in me there's nothing I can do about that. If it doesn't we can keep moving forward, together!

But, in the meantime I need to be realistic and straighten out things I will and won't accept from people.What am I looking for in a partner and all that. Set guidelines and standards, but still be attracted to whomever I want. There are few written in stone with me.

Ok! I'm ready! Let's do this! It's more-than-friend-type relationship time!

Are Open Relationships OK? feat. DaveyWavey