2619 no more

I've processed my feelings about what happened already. Lenard and Patricia are white devils, and 2619 Cedar Avenue South is no longer my home because of it. Of course I want them to suffer for what they've done, but it really makes no difference to me whether they suffer or not. And evil people have a way of lasting a long time. But, house could collapse. The faulty wiring could be ignited. Wood can rot. Pipes can bust. They would suffer more from buying the house and then suddenly being homeless due to a disaster, then my original go to of just dying painful deaths. Truth be told, they will always be suffering. They're both so engrossed in how traumatized they are, trauma and disasters pretty much their life. That sounds like suffering to me.

I haven't woken up with bug bites on my face since I left the house. I don't have to worry about mice being nestled in my clothes and trash. There has been no people yelling in this neighborhood, no gunshots, and no ert sirens. I knew that most any area I would move to would be better than 26th and Cedar because of the nature of that area. It's absolute chaos, and really no one should be forced to live in such a polluted environment.

No one except them. white people should definitely lived in the traumatized area that they have systematically set up for poor people of color.

Not moving// trans house mates?

My options: staying in this house - upside down Queen of Swords. Moving, but staying in Minneapolis or st. Paul - upside down Fortune. Moving out of state - upside down Eight of Cups. What will help me make my decision - upside down 9 cups.

It looks like my best option is to stay where I am for the time being, despite how I feel about it. It may not be as bad as I think it will be. I basically won't have any luck finding a new place to stay in this area, and all the other places that I look at outside of the state are "dried up". but I will Reserve that in context of the places that I'm looking at, and not apply that to any other places that I might not be looking at, but may come across in the future to consider. What will help me decide is either dissatisfaction or misery. and I will admit I've been very dissatisfied with my options and people's reactions to expressing the type of situation I want to live in.

But, a passing issue is finding decent people that also happen to be trans, that also happen to be women. I'm considering having another cis house mate for a while longer, because things aren't working out with that side of the family like I feel like they should. Another thing I'm having a huge problem with is white privilege. Which can lead to other problems, like a lack a spatcial awareness or easily forgetting what someone brown just told someone and why they said it. Or, maybe just feeling like someone is exmept from what was said, based on privilege.

I know I don't want to pick another person that was born and raised in the state, or another white person. But, family is a challenge. I really don't want to drop off on giving well-deserved people an opportunity but I've had enough of what this area has to offer with the issues I've already endured.

It's more to think on, and I have a lot of time to think about it. It is very disappointing that this is something I have to think about in such a way.

Dream of current feelings and reality

I just had a dream that I was at my grandma's house and life was going somewhat normal, as it usually does when I have dreams in her house. But suddenly she was at a state in her Alzheimer's where she couldn't walk but she was still functional. I don't think that has anything to do with Alzheimer's, though. That process works differently, from what I witnessed.

Anyway, I suddenly had some white friends for whatever reason. And also is suddenly for some unexplained reason, Louisiana became a frozen tundra and people that were forced to evacuate. My friends were sitting there with me like they were waiting on something, but there were a lot of white people in spaceships Vehicles passing by and I was calling out for help and not only did not have them help me, but some of them turned and laughed at me for asking for help. As soon as I ask my friends for help, they suddenly responded and we suddenly had a functional vehicle that we could escape with ourselves. And they plan on coming back for my wheelchair-bound grandmother, even though the dream ended before that can happen. The last thing that happened was we drove off to see if we could get something to get her in the car or something. And I think my great-grandmother was there too, but she already froze to death. I think that was her. I'm not sure, though.

Firstly, I'm glad it's not another doing dream.

Secondly, I think I know what the universe is trying to tell me.

Third, I don't know why Sally is there. I never understand why I still dream about family members. I sure don't want to.