Creations// Possible schizophrenia

Since I got fired, I had to face the other day that I have been obsessive over other people's creations. So much to the point where I was pushing my own Creations aside. I still have a lot of apprehensions about posting my things in public, mostly due to various web sites rules and not so much feedback. But that's really no excuse to push my own imagination out and only be willing to observe others and not my own.

It got to a point where yesterday I had to decide to take a mental health break and not get on any social media and I even went without listening to music for hours. I had to enjoy the silence and be alone with my own thoughts. Maybe I was ignoring my own creations, and maybe I was trying to ignore myself for a long time. But it didn't get me anywhere I wanted to be. I also got way too deep into politics and social media, which are all toxic things. But at this point I can say the politics are more toxic because I have friends on social media. No one making the rules is anyone I would call my friend. We had a lot of political highs and lows happening all at the same time, but I really let all of it get to me.

After spending some time with myself and thinking about my thoughts, I feel significantly better, but there's still work to do. I might also have to face the fact that I have schizophrenia. Of course I haven't gone through the process of being diagnosed, because I just came across this idea some weeks ago. And even if I didn't, it might not be a reality that I would want to face. I saw a video that informed me on different types of Sensations that people with schizophrenia can have and when confronted with this information I just accepted the idea of accepting it a few days ago. People have major misconceptions about schizophrenia, and thinking that it's all the same diagnosis of multiple personalities and swatting at things that aren't there. Sometimes I feel stings bites and crawling on or inside my skin when there's nothing there. I don't hear voices but I hear soft sounds. It used to be worse when I was younger, but now I acknowledge that when I feel something it's very likely that there's nothing there or I'm being hypersensitive to a piece of dust brushing across my skin. At some point in the past, I do remember thinking, "I wish there was always something there when I felt something touching me so I would feel less crazy. Then again, that would mean that they would usually be something actually crawling on me and I probably wouldn't like that either."

Schizophrenia among other various thoughts went through an analysis and an archive. It was just a matter of spending time with myself in my thoughts and getting some creativity out.