Enough is enough!

Since I've left Boston and came out to the Twin Cities I've been beating myself to a pulp. I'm not good looking. I'm not smart. No one I like respects me. All that kind of shit. None of it's true. I may not be what I want to be, but I am what I am, and that's all I have!

I've decided to end it. I'm relatively alright looking. That's good enough. I'm loyal! I'm ok with the smarts. I don't really care about being smart. I just felt stupider than the last person I had attraction for. I felt like they didn't respect me because of the intelligence gap. Fuck that, now, though. First of all, they said anything like that. They picked on me once and I took it really hard because of past events, but if they really didn't respect me they wouldn't have hung out with me. I still have a hard time accepting that i like men/ males/ masco but I need to get over that for my own sake. I'm also accepting that I've been single for a long time and I want to change that. I want a partner (in crime), and I'm very into Asians and some types of whites, so that's what I'm looking for!

I really blew up all over the person I like via text and social media. There's no turning back from that. I would still rather people know how I feel, and it being open and honest ends their interest in me there's nothing I can do about that. If it doesn't we can keep moving forward, together!

But, in the meantime I need to be realistic and straighten out things I will and won't accept from people.What am I looking for in a partner and all that. Set guidelines and standards, but still be attracted to whomever I want. There are few written in stone with me.

Ok! I'm ready! Let's do this! It's more-than-friend-type relationship time!

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Sympathy for my bad bloods

About that sexual person in Boston. I didn't see how how anti-sex I had become until I got here with these people. Some of the anger I felt was out of a sense of unfairness that I had to know more about the individual's sexual details when they didn't care to ask anything about me. It evoled into a hate for the persons sexualy energy which reflected on my subverted hatred for sex, just as much as violence.

In truth, I don't hate sex or violence. I hate how lightly take them as they are very serious subjects and actions. Honestly, I'll probably kill before I have sex. I feel like I would rather, because I don't have to trust anyone to kill them. I know there are people with much looser sexual morals, but I need trust for that. I'm speaking for myself.

(This was suppose to be after "No Hate", but it posted in the line position as it was in drafts, and it looks off in post order. Thanks, Blogger. Whatever.)

When someone doesn't tell me I have to figure it out

After some research I have deducted that I have been dealing with child abuse and sexual assault victims. One of them was very expressive about their abuse. As someone else that was abused I could directly relate to them because of how open they are about it. However, with the sexual abuse victim I noticed they had very different behavior, and very conflicting behavior and speech. I didn't understand it, and it frustrated me, but after conversing about the issue with someone else they introduced the idea of child abuse. At first, I was too pissed off by the situation for logical but after a good night's sleep I did some research. This person shows clear signs of being a sexual assault victim.

One thing that I pointed out to myself beforehand is that this person doesn't act like normal people acts. I've met people with the same interests, and I would call them over the top, and sometimes overbearing, but that's not how I would be able to categorize this person. The show clearly damaged behavior, and with emotional and mental trauma the signs can be 2 ends of the same problem in one display.

There is nothing I can do to help this person. They show the anger signs, and pride is usually behind those. I can only offer to help those that want help.

No hate

My time for Boston draws near. The person I told my feelings doesn't hate me, and I will continue to tease them while I'm here (as long as they're ok with it). I'm so sad that I have to leave them. I'm sad I couldn't help while I was here. It hurts to have a greater chance of never seeing them again. I'll leave something for them. I don't know if it's right to leave a note, but I'll leave a stone for them. Might even leave a whole necklace, with the likelihood that they won't wear it but the effort is worth way more than nothing.

As for the sexual one, I have resolved that we are indeed 2 sides of the same coin. We've only interrupted our traumatic events different. I can only hope that the person will seek out the help they need someday, instead of continuing the path of self destruction.

I don't feel like anything happened here. I don't feel like I helped anyone or made an impact. It maybe strange that I feel that way. I'm also sad that I couldn't help the person that I had come to care for.

~~~

This is the LAST post made in Boston! This is the end of the Boston era!

I told

I told someone that I like how I feel. I may have messed things up with my expression, but I'm ok with that. Even if I've ruined everything, and I never fall for anyone again, I'm glad this happened. It was a man/ male person, and the first person that I don't regret having feelings for. Usually, I pick losers but I feel like this person has always been the same and will continue to be the same after I express myself, and even if they aren't I'll be happy with just having known them. I still do want to put my attraction towards people aside, but this feeling reminds me of what I fight for.

The love of community is the most important thing in my life. I will always have love. I don't know what love will ever look like in any part of my life but I have it and I'm thankful that I do. No matter how much others hurt my feelings or no matter how much I hurt my own feelings I'll always come back for the power of love compels me! No matter how much pain there is, love and joy is also there! I can never give up on humanity because I know we need each other.