"Don't nobody wanna know no gay people."

I don't remember the exact conversation that brought this about, but it's something that my biological mother said that really stuck with me. It was one of the early moments that I knew would bring me to the point of where I am now with disowning her.

And I thought it was really hypocritical of her to say with two of her "best friends" being gay. And two of her most successful friends by what I can measure. But, nobody wants to know gay people. I was legitimately hurt by that, for reasons that I didn't understand why the child.

She also tricked herself into believing that I thought that same-sex couples were absolved from being toxic and abusive. I asked her why she thought I thought that, and she couldn't even answer. She something like "avoiding men doesn't mean avoiding abuse." I'm thinking that this is back when I had a girlfriend. I had to shut her down really hard, because she was the one saying that stuff, and trying to make it seem like I said it or believed it. Even though I don't remember exactly what was said, I actually remember exactly what brought on this conversation. She found out that one of her co-workers wife was abusive. The co-worker's wife was a police officer, so I immediately went into fuck the police mode and told my mother that of course she was abusive because she was a fucking pig. Of course, my mother was taken aback by that, first. But, then I had to Point blank tell her that her accusation is fabricated from a self infliction of deep ignorance and homophobia. Of course, I didn't say it that eloquently but that's the long story short of what I said. And I told her that the conversation was over because it was pointless. And, that was the end of that.

I have to say, I gained a lot of skills from learning how to put my foot down with people that society says I'm supposed to be able to trust, first. And back then, I really wanted to believe that lie. But, blanket statements don't work like that. It's easy to reject strangers, people I know, in friends when I have rejected my entire flesh and blood. Flesh and blood meaning absolutely nothing in the long or short run. Except for my medical history - speaking logically.

Don't nobody wanna know no abusers.

Don't nobody wanna know no homophobes.

And, now I don't know you. Guess you got whatcha wanted.

"Hmph"

I started making a sound that I picked up from one of the instructors in one of the GED programs I went to. It was literally just "hmph". My biological mother and sisters mocked me for it, and for some reason I would get a whoopping of I didn't stop doing it.

Well, to the people no longer in my life; I say "hmph". 😏

Time is precious

I might be able to see why some people that can don't disown their toxic family. It's a different kind of burden to think about the last conversation I had, and hoping it's the last conversation I'll ever have - no matter what was said.

But, would rather have this over toxic people believing their entitled to my time. I'm the only person that is entitled to my time, because it's time I won't get back. And, that will never change. And, that's why I did this.

She should be glad it's over

I think about the last texting conversation with my bio-mother too much. I ultimately wish things didn't have to be this way, but I know I'm only hurting myself by thinking about it. No one in my family had a respected home with decent role models. The children were to be afraid of the adults, not actually respect them. Toxic relationships and DV at home went out into the world and birthed more violence to loop back into our world.

I was told to change myself because "I'm your mother". I was told that if I didn't do what someone wanted me to do that they wouldn't love me anymore, and I stopped loving that person right then. I've been teamed up on with my family members taking a strangers side to make me look bad.

I couldn't try to make anything work, because I didn't know what that meant or what functional relationships looked like in a family. I only saw them on tv, but I glad I had that - to know they exist. And, I started questioning WHY is it my responsibility to make anything "work"? So, I stopped trying with them, because it's not responsibility to take on someone else's damage. And, I left them behind. Very reluctantly. I would rather not have done it. Why couldn't I have been born into a loving, stable household? Surrounded by unconditional love, with dignity, honesty, and self respect as headlining morales and values? People that aren't afraid of, and even embrace, change would have been better suited for me.

But, I was giving broken humans that were far too damaged to be put down together. Really, I doubt they wanted to be together. They never did anything outside of their own realm and continuously made the same mistakes. Too afraid of change to every do the right thing. But, did they even know what the right thing was? I wonder, even though their action were clear answers.

And, I had more that I wanted to say to my bio-mother, but I didn't want to drag it out. Of course, I wanted to go into detail about how hurt I was about everything that happened! But, I know better than to feed into her game, and I said I would never do it again, and I'm a better person for it. I blocked her number without reading the last message she sent and deleted it. The last words she'll have from me: "It's long since been over, and you should be glad it over, after all the stress I caused you. I don't want anything else from you, Debra."

Payday loans

If you don't know what pay day loans are, it's exactly what they it sounds like. You can go into a place that will loan you money if you have proof of employment in your last pay stub and they will forward you money to pay them back when you get paid. Unfortunately, America is a country that profits off of debt so Payday Loan places are a dime a dozen. Where is some places are trying to make them illegal or at least limit them, there are too many states and cities that are trying to have an abundance of them.

Payday Loan places are very predatory, and are usually aimed at the impoverished community. Instead of teaching people how to budget and manage their finances, it's more profitable to have the interest in the payday loans paid instead.

I know that not every place has these. And there are probably a lot of places that have had these that have made them illegal, or extremely limited. America needs to stop profiting off of debt, and completely eradicated payday loan systems. And student that, but that's a different story for a different time.

Garnet is the superior parent for Steven

why do people think Pearl is the better of the three mothers for Steven? She almost let him die twice, almost got Connie killed, and almost killed Steven. And she didn't spare him because he's Stephen, she spared him because he's half Rose. She's made it clear on multiple occasions that she is not safe to be left alone with impressionable or vulnerable people.

amethyst is arguably also just as dangerous, but in a very different way. Her lack of self-care and self-reflection makes her dangerous to herself and others around her, but she has never willingly almost killed Steven or almost let him die. But it is arguable that she has almost gotten Steven killed. that rises the question that if opal were a permafusion would he be safe with her?

Speaking of perma fusions, The only other person aside from Greg that has proven themselves to be better for Stevens physical health is garnet. She has never almost killed him, never almost let him die, and never almost got him killed. In fact, she had an identity crisis and almost went crazy before simply realizing that Steven didn't need her help and protection like he used to. One could argue that she was obsessed with protecting him!

ironically enough, he became his own Catalyst trying protecting the other two from the one who was protecting him the most. Although garnet's love usually takes a physical form, there have been multiple occasions where she's been there for him emotionally, when the other two have emotionally or mentally manipulated him. And we already know that he isn't safe with the other fusions. He's not safe with sardonyx because of Pearl and he's not safe with sugilite because of amethyst. Obviously, he's not necessarily safe with Alexandrite. He's not even safe with Ruby or Sapphire separately. He's only safe with Garnet, aside from Greg. But I am willing to concede that without the other two he would have very limited character growth, because of the previously mentioned aspect that Garnet would be obsessed with protecting him. She was very undeniably that we're done shaky mix of stepping back and letting him grow, but still often caging him in to a roll of weakness. she wouldn't allow the others to put him down, but when she said stop it was time to stop. But, in all fairness, that went for everyone.

I'm not taking away from the fact that they all work together to help Steven grow and all play intricate rolls. I'm just saying that as far as picking one has to go, the Superior choice is obviously Garnet -for better and for worse. Not to suggest that Garnet would be appropriate directly partnered with Greg in the rearing of Steven. That's a HARD NO!

Active town, commuter train

For a few weeks I was having a recurring dream of being in a seemingly small but very lively town. The town had a lot of glowing aspects but one thing that was very out of the ordinary was it had a commuter train that only came at night after most things closed that took first generation East Asian immigrants out to what could be realistically interpreted as suburb. It seemed like it take hours to get there because the sun would be up at the location and that they were going to. I wasn't able to make it to the train in every dream, but if I did make it the dream would stop before we got to the stop where the people are going. from what I could tell out the window, it was a place that was offset from water, like an island and it was either a town or a city but it was a place where only they lived and they came into the town where my dream initially would take place to work, I assume. it looks like a beautiful place to be, but I was never able to get off the train to see it. At least not that I remember.