I don't have the mental health for men

Last night, I made a comment among those waves. I felt like I was talking more about relationships in general, and I didn't say anything about men in that context. But we did spend some of the night bashing man in different contexts. When I finally got home, being is exhausted from work is my coworkers, I had a very related dream.

I remember the dream with a lot of its details intact, but the details that are important are the ones where I got into a relationship with a YouTuber and felt him up but then felt bad about it. He even asked me if I was okay, and I said no. it's like I feel bad for having an attractive boyfriend, because I didn't know what to do with myself or him. And we were at some kind of event or something. Aside from a scene about living at work and workers rights, the went back out to the event. By the way, that part of the dream was celebrity casted.

and then one of my crushes from elementary and middle school came up with his best friend. I even remembered both of their names! And the guy that actually had a crush on was super hot! Buy video game standards, pun intended.it was weird. He had the same face, but his body was totally different. He was all unrealistically buff. And his friend looked normal. We had a short interaction, and we didn't touch each other.

Ever since that last abuser from some years ago, I haven't had any realistic notions of trying to date men again. I understand why the YouTuber came in, because it's very inconsequential to be in a crush type of relationship with someone behind a screen, where you get to know everything about them but they don't even know you exist. But pulling up my crush from Elementary and middle School was very out there! but that is an implication of the dreams realistic value, for sure. And maybe his friend being there had something to do with it. All I remember is how tight they were, even though I didn't really like the other dude because he had a much more stank attitude. But if he wasn't meant to be a part of the message, he wouldn't have been there. Maybe he would have, I don't know. Maybe they're together now, and him also being in my dream is a representation of their soul linking Bond.

I don't feel like I have a lot to think about when it comes to men though. There were no women or others and that related part of my dreams. I do have a social anxiety about men, because they're more likely to commit violence. And the heteropatriarchy dictates that violence is acceptable. I don't want the responsibility of dating a man. Fortunately, I have many more options to choose from, so I don't have to worry about any of that! If I ever even want to try dating, again, that is! The game is played out, and I've already accepted my fate. I'm not worried about it. It's just very interesting in telling. It answered a lot more questions than it asked.

Speak of the devil

Today, I saw one of the people from 2619. If was in traffic passing, so no chance for confrontation, and the fool probably didn't recognize me. When I realized it was him, I laughed.

And I didn't feel angry. I felt empowered! I'm in a better house, now. with more caring, and compassionate housemates. I have a safer job that has guaranteed pay and benefits. I have my health, and a much better relationship with myself and the others around me.

I actually felt myself pitying him, for a brief moment. But, as always, he got himself into the situation that he's in now. I won't waste such feelings on insistent fools.

For a while, I wished for his death. Now, I can see that he's already dead.

Getting over 2619 (w/ Bennett Foddy)

I haven't seen my therapist and weeks, but I'm flushing out my feelings on various platforms, including talking to people in person. I feel myself starting to come down from the anger of what happened at my previous house. As I'm coming down from how I think about it, I'm starting to have violent dreams about the people I interacted with. I don't have any guilt to address, we're just having pity arguments that escalate. I guess that's a part of my emotional detox, but I am still on the path of changing my thinking. Those old people are invested in a crumbling platform. Broken relationships, built off of toxic intentions, and a house that can literally collapse at any moment due to the offset foundation. The most I think about it now is how much more it would convenient it would be to get to and from work on Lake Street. But now I think about it in terms of not willing to sacrifice convenience for peace.

I have peace in the home that I am residing in now, and I hope to have peace in my next location. and the convenience of getting to and from work wouldn't do me any good, if I were injured or died in a collapsed house. I wouldn't be able to focus at work with all the drama going on at the house. I want work to be work, not an escape from other tensions. I didn't feel like I came out a winner, initially, but I know that I did, and I'm going to start acting like it. I was forced out of a dysfunctional situation with toxic people, in a soon-to-be dilapidated house. and I was forced out, after I made the very poor personal decision of trying to be dedicated to it, so it's clear that the Universe has other plans for my mental, physical, emotional, and financial well-being.

On the subject of work, I've been going in less due to the weather. I've picked up on some of my former better habits of meditation, burning sage and incense, drinking more water, and doing my stretches more regularly. I've added on getting massages. I've also picked up some great detox teas!

It's also become apparent that my job is not a very reliable source of income, so I'm branching out to consider other forms of income. right now, the ideas to invest more in my art, and hopefully be able to monetize that and do commissions. More monetization of products, than personal commissions. I also might try to get in on that YouTube money - that apparently no one is making these days and everyone's going to patreon! of course, I have no intention of silly depending on YouTube, if I decide to do that. With its ad monetization flaws, censorship demonetization, and so many other political and social issues. I think my art is the best route, but the two routes that I've thought of our way better routes than depending on an inconsistent work and client flow.

Hopefully, the ups will keep going up.

"Don't nobody wanna know no gay people."

I don't remember the exact conversation that brought this about, but it's something that my biological mother said that really stuck with me. It was one of the early moments that I knew would bring me to the point of where I am now with disowning her.

And I thought it was really hypocritical of her to say with two of her "best friends" being gay. And two of her most successful friends by what I can measure. But, nobody wants to know gay people. I was legitimately hurt by that, for reasons that I didn't understand why the child.

She also tricked herself into believing that I thought that same-sex couples were absolved from being toxic and abusive. I asked her why she thought I thought that, and she couldn't even answer. She something like "avoiding men doesn't mean avoiding abuse." I'm thinking that this is back when I had a girlfriend. I had to shut her down really hard, because she was the one saying that stuff, and trying to make it seem like I said it or believed it. Even though I don't remember exactly what was said, I actually remember exactly what brought on this conversation. She found out that one of her co-workers wife was abusive. The co-worker's wife was a police officer, so I immediately went into fuck the police mode and told my mother that of course she was abusive because she was a fucking pig. Of course, my mother was taken aback by that, first. But, then I had to Point blank tell her that her accusation is fabricated from a self infliction of deep ignorance and homophobia. Of course, I didn't say it that eloquently but that's the long story short of what I said. And I told her that the conversation was over because it was pointless. And, that was the end of that.

I have to say, I gained a lot of skills from learning how to put my foot down with people that society says I'm supposed to be able to trust, first. And back then, I really wanted to believe that lie. But, blanket statements don't work like that. It's easy to reject strangers, people I know, in friends when I have rejected my entire flesh and blood. Flesh and blood meaning absolutely nothing in the long or short run. Except for my medical history - speaking logically.

Don't nobody wanna know no abusers.

Don't nobody wanna know no homophobes.

And, now I don't know you. Guess you got whatcha wanted.

"Hmph"

I started making a sound that I picked up from one of the instructors in one of the GED programs I went to. It was literally just "hmph". My biological mother and sisters mocked me for it, and for some reason I would get a whoopping of I didn't stop doing it.

Well, to the people no longer in my life; I say "hmph". 😏

Time is precious

I might be able to see why some people that can don't disown their toxic family. It's a different kind of burden to think about the last conversation I had, and hoping it's the last conversation I'll ever have - no matter what was said.

But, would rather have this over toxic people believing their entitled to my time. I'm the only person that is entitled to my time, because it's time I won't get back. And, that will never change. And, that's why I did this.

She should be glad it's over

I think about the last texting conversation with my bio-mother too much. I ultimately wish things didn't have to be this way, but I know I'm only hurting myself by thinking about it. No one in my family had a respected home with decent role models. The children were to be afraid of the adults, not actually respect them. Toxic relationships and DV at home went out into the world and birthed more violence to loop back into our world.

I was told to change myself because "I'm your mother". I was told that if I didn't do what someone wanted me to do that they wouldn't love me anymore, and I stopped loving that person right then. I've been teamed up on with my family members taking a strangers side to make me look bad.

I couldn't try to make anything work, because I didn't know what that meant or what functional relationships looked like in a family. I only saw them on tv, but I glad I had that - to know they exist. And, I started questioning WHY is it my responsibility to make anything "work"? So, I stopped trying with them, because it's not responsibility to take on someone else's damage. And, I left them behind. Very reluctantly. I would rather not have done it. Why couldn't I have been born into a loving, stable household? Surrounded by unconditional love, with dignity, honesty, and self respect as headlining morales and values? People that aren't afraid of, and even embrace, change would have been better suited for me.

But, I was giving broken humans that were far too damaged to be put down together. Really, I doubt they wanted to be together. They never did anything outside of their own realm and continuously made the same mistakes. Too afraid of change to every do the right thing. But, did they even know what the right thing was? I wonder, even though their action were clear answers.

And, I had more that I wanted to say to my bio-mother, but I didn't want to drag it out. Of course, I wanted to go into detail about how hurt I was about everything that happened! But, I know better than to feed into her game, and I said I would never do it again, and I'm a better person for it. I blocked her number without reading the last message she sent and deleted it. The last words she'll have from me: "It's long since been over, and you should be glad it over, after all the stress I caused you. I don't want anything else from you, Debra."