The liquor store Chronicles part 1

On my first day:

Someone tried to have a conversation with me about my appearance.

Someone grabbed a handful of flight shots and ran for the door.

A person that I don't think was even a customer and my co-workers and supervisor made a scene out of someone panhandling outside the door. I might have gotten a glimpse into the window of how anti-human this establishment is. Not that it doesn't fit in with the rest of the capitalist model, but that is the biggest thing that made me the most uncomfortable about this job, and it's only my first day.

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More on the panhandling-

Person: excuse me. I don't normally report people for panhandling, but this guy is out here with a story about his mom that just died.

Co worker: yeah. Unfortunately, it's not illegal but he can't be right outside of our door asking for change. That's inappropriate.

Person: yeah. He's out there talking about his mama, and you don't mess with Mama.

Me: (so we're fucking morality police wow in an establishment participating in killing the brain cells and poisoning the blood of other human beings?)

But when I think about it, I guess an anti Human his attitude is necessary to be able to sell people chemicals that have been proven to literally kill them or get them killed!

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And apparently cashiering and so ableist people that have light sensitivity can't do it. I got fussed at about wearing Shades because it doesn't make me look "approachable and ready to serve". For some reason it's important to be able to see my eyes. I just don't feel the same way. If someone's working, then there's no confusion about that and you come up. I've never had a customer care about whether or not I'm wearing shades.

At least it was explained to me this time instead of being treating passive aggressive way.

Love Like Lo-fi - Steven Universe

Lucky!

The two weeks since I've been home have been very fast pace! Within the first few days I got my taxes done and a bike. A few days later, I got a job and my tax return! I'm not going to stick with this current job, but the other job opportunities are coming up very quickly! I've been hanging out with my well missed friends! Life has been a blast in the last 2 weeks!

I'm only disappointed that I didn't get any of the job stuff that I want it done. The places that I wanted to work for all booked up by the time I got back home. On the other hand, it's for the best for me to be able to make and attend My Health Care appointments. I don't have to worry about too much job stuff all at once and make time to get my check ups. I didn't waste any time jumping back into my vitamins and supplements routine. I also start doing my stretches, but I have to be more on top of doing them at least every other day. I want to do stretches every day, but it's a matter of remembering to. I definitely do stretches before I go for bike rides! And I know to maintain the bike before at least every other ride, but ideally before every ride!

Something I'm concerned about is the sudden violent and hateful thoughts I had soon after returning home. Things I hadn't remembered for over 3 months suddenly started rushing back and I was angry about them all over again. Things that are all in past experiences that I still feel very seriously about, but I was surprised at how freshly angry I was about them. I don't know if this means I have anger issues, but I'm not willing to rule it out.

I spent a lot of my vacation one-handed, but since I've been home and put on my wrist brace my hand has been feeling better. I'm still going to talk about it with my nurse practitioner, though. I'm also getting a new therapist! I'm really discouraged about going to the dentist since I have to go to the university now, but I know I should go... it's just frustrating to have to deal with the university. It would be great if I could go back to my previous Clinic.

Not having a menstrual cycle is great! I recently knowledge that I had major dysphoria around my menstruation, but not just to myself. This time I acknowledged it to a group of people and it makes more sense every time I say it and it's refreshing that other people know about it now. I will be continuing Depo shots for the foreseeable future.

Even though things didn't go exactly like I wanted them to with the employment situation, things went exactly as they needed to for everything else to work out. I'm satisfied with the way things are for now, and looking forward to the Great Wave of change that is coming up with the housemates in the near future!

That's all for now!

Abuse of power

After this round of travels, I think I've become better about recognizing when people have demons. People think that they're good because they're welcoming people into their home and treating them a certain kind of way, but they aren't taking into regard the other ways in which they're treating their guests. People can work on others into their home and say the words homophobic and misogynistic things. I wonder how people think that they're good just by welcoming others into their home, but not checking their mindset and morals.

People that enter into the community with intentions to hurt others aren't the people that I'm talking about here. They're very unintentionally about how their thoughts, words, and actions hurt others. But, with the things that go on, they really need more people to check them and hold them accountable so they can see what they are doing to others is wrong.

Racism a-foot? - Couchsurfing members

On this round of travels, I've started considering getting a van more critically. 3 major issues it would solve is "Were can I put my stuff?" "Where am I sleeping?" and "How can I get there?" I would rather ride the bus, but I'm sick of not having a place to stay and no place to put my things so I can really enjoy myself without having carry all my stuff around everywhere with me.

A lot of my couchsurfing requests went ignored by people listed as available. Being rejected has it's own effects, but ignored is obviously different from being rejected. When my requests go ignored I take it personally. Moreso, when it's white men. Most any other group will get back to me, including white women. I have things clearly laid out on my profile, including I'm a black activist and I'm trans and I travel with no money, so I'm not surprised that I would get rejected but being ignored is disrespectful to the time I've taken out to write a costume greeting and request. I've talked to my white counterparts, and they don't have the same issues in difficulty finding a place to stay and being ignored as I do. Not saying all the attention they get is legit or safe. That brings in the issue of misogyny and rape culture to be addressed.

I've come to the conclusion that I need to do SOMETHING different because most of the CS community being fragile, threatened white men is hurting my traveling experiences.

Home base moving?

Now that I'm out and about I am considering other places to set up a reasonable home base. The more time I spend away from it, the more time I have to think about how much I really hate Minnesota's passive aggressiveness. I'm still going to come back because I have built a very healthy environment in Minnesota, but when Trump is out of office it's time to seek a new home base. The place that has been sitting on my mind the longest is Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I like Pennsylvania's politics and general, but I'm already the most familiar with Pittsburgh and I had a 90% horrible time in Philadelphia.

I love Arizona, but it's just too damn hot! I also love New Mexico, but it's damn poor! Missouri is okay, but only okay and I need more than okay to function. And really the only places that are okay are St Louis and Kansas City. And, I also need health care. I would not live in Massachusetts. It's a lovely place like any other place but the radicals are too college-educated to be down to earth.

More to see, though!

Forgiven// Getting ready to go!

I had to come to terms with an event that happened a long time ago. Someone I cared about very deeply died, and I wasn't at her bedside. I was a self-centered teen, and I thought she would get better, so I put off visiting her while she was in the hospital. She didn't recover as we had predicted, and she died a while later. If I had any inkling of a feeling that she wouldn't recover, I swear I would have been there, but the narrative around the situation was that she was going to be alright. And, it's not like I put my own thoughts into it. After getting the news she died, I had sudden chest pain that didn't completely subside for a while.

Soon, she came to me in my dreams and I cried and apologized for not being at her side before she left. She forgave me without hesitation. I had more dreams with her in them and she had the same comforting, forgiving presents she had in life. After a while the dreams stopped, and so did my chest pains. I wasn't in an environment where forgiveness was readily available, so I didn't know what it was back then, and all these years later I'm glad I see it now. I'm glad I know what true love is.