4 year Grudge

On Halloween, the spookiest day, something scary happened!

4 years ago, I briefly met someone that I was interested in being friends with and I started talking to them. Shortly after we talked, that one time, they left town without telling me, and I felt ghosted. 

I was very upset about that, and then later was pulled into a meeting at work that updated us on people that were recently banned from the store. That person was in there, for shoplifting. I sent them a very upset Facebook message about it how I felt about being ghosted and told them to not bother to come back to the store because they were banned for shoplifting.

They sent me a message on a different Facebook account and I didn't read it and blocked both the Facebook accounts.

Today, the person came into the soup kitchen and aggressive reset down next to me and talk to me for 10 minutes about how food and health are important. I told them that I don't know who they are and I don't know what they want, and they got increasingly aggressive. It's been years since I've seen this person, so I really didn't remember them.

There's no security there, so I told one of the volunteers what was going on, and they absolutely deflated under Pressure. They had no conflict resolution skills, and no confidence. After I told the volunteer, the person finally told me who they are and what the problem was.

The problem was that they thought the store had the security questionable footage, and I confronted them only with a guess that it was them, and then took their following reply back to them to confirm that it was them which resulted in them getting banned. What actually happened was those are expensive security cameras that can get you in both black and white and color. With the quality of those cameras, I could see that person's face very clearly. And there's no logical reason for me to tell someone that they are banned if I'm not absolutely sure it's them, anyway.

the person also believe that they would have been confronted right then, but that's not how that works at every place. And stores like Target and Walmart where it's someone's job to watch the security cameras, that would be the case. But our place is one of many local businesses that does not have any designated security/ loss prevention staff, so the person who watches the cameras also has a lot of other duties and can't actually watch the cameras in real time. They will review footage later to see if anything happened, but the chances you'll get caught on the spot is unlikely. If you happen to be pilfering when the mod or store assistant manager is sitting at the camera computer, you drew the unlucky straw. but I told the person not to come back, not out of anger, but if they had returned they would have been confronted.

I don't know if my loyalty has a price, but the place was paying me $10 and something cents an hour, and I know my price is higher than that! And it would take a lot for me to report someone especially for shoplifting, because life is hard. if there's a company out there that will pay me enough money and treat me with enough respect to care when somebody shoplifts from them, I would like to work there. NO GONNA HAPPEN! THAT PLACE DOES NOT EXIST!

We clear up the misunderstanding, and chatted for a while. But I won't be going back to the soup kitchen, because I no longer feel safe there. What if it wasn't an issue that could have been reasonably resolved? If I had been in actually danger, none of the volunteers would have have the tools to properly handle the situation. It is relieving that I found out that the space is unsafe in a tame situation, rather than something terrible actually happen and gettimg hurt. this isn't the ideal time of year to have to find a new place to hang out, but free food isn't worth my safety.

What was the scary thing that happened? A CAPITALIST BOOTLICKER DYSTOPIAN VERSION OF ME HAS BEEN PRESENTED TO THE UNIVERSE!

closing the mental and emotional drain

Unlike most subjects, I've talked about this one a lot since it happened, and I've gotten feedback, and it has been another development. This all happened in rapid succession.

so, a few weeks ago I offered to help a friend with a relationship situation. The people that are involved in my housemates, and I would rather be friends with people that I live with. Fully, but still offering to help where I can.

A few days ago, the person asked me to see if I can find any unbiased individuals to help their relationship mend in the communication area. I go out and try to find at least in my professional people that know how to facilitate space for them to get themselves right in.

the other one, who I've never talked to you about this goes out and do whatever process comes across someone that I know that as far as I know doesn't have experience in facilitating communication space. I'm saying as far as I know, because I talk to this person on various occasions but we never talked about anything like that. And I have my own set of assumptions that comes from my frustrated mind, but I really don't know if this person has experience in that area or not.

they tell me that they picked this person after I found someone who has already decided to accept them who has experience in holding mental and emotional space, with a small fee. the statment was presented to me by the person who has asked for my assistance that all parties have definitively agreed on the situation. The person that they picked to help the has asked me to meet with them to talk about my relationship with them and how I feel being around them, and is sitting on "maybe" with deciding to help them.

But, between the time that they told me about the person, and the person contacting me, I told them that I would no longer be involved in their mental and emotional situations. I went out of my way to try to find good quality resources, and they don't care. the person I found accepted them, and they rejected them for somebody who might not even get involved. I don't know if they have a back-up plan. I don't know what led this to this decision. All I know is I'm pissed off that I wasted my time and energy trying to help them when I feel like I put forth my best efforts and gathering resources.

I plan on continuing to contribute to the household as a community member, and of course I will use direct and blunt communication whenever issues arise. But their mental and emotional stuff is what I'm done with.

for as hellish and chaotic as my last house was, I'm now glad that I went through it. I'm setting much stricter boundaries much quicker, and I know I'm better off that way.

trying to get to general Assembly next year! // other travel plans!

I've already put in ten times more effort than previous years to try to get out to the Unitarian universalist association general Assembly! Next year it will be in Providence Rhode island, and I love Providence Rhode island! biggest my biggest issue in Providence Rhode island is that it's a small population and not a whole lot to do. My other biggest issue is that it's one of those small places that spread out making it hard to access. They could definitely stand a condensed Providence Rhode island, because there's not a whole lot there. And condensing it would make it more accessible. And will probably give it more stuff to do.

but if ever in my life I really wanted to hardcore settle down and have some serious peace and quiet, I know where to go. like, I'm in my fifties, I have adopted teenagers, ready to raise my kids. And then whenever I feel spunky, I can go hit up a rave at a warehouse squat. And I can do it anytime without any expectations. If I'm really bored is not hard to get to other places with more population and more events.

Back to the more near future! It would take a lot to get me to pass up going to Providence Rhode island again. I don't know if I qualify for any youth grants, outside of my age and being a person of color in lgbtq I'm not in any leadership roles at a congregation I'm not even a member of any congregations. If I don't qualify for any grants, I'm going to sign up as a volunteer and just hope and pray that I have the money to cover my travel and other expenses to get me too, enjoy my time while I'm out there, and get me from.

The following year is Milwaukee Wisconsin. I'm not going to go out of my way to get to Milwaukee, but if I move to Madison by that time, it's not inconveniencing me to go.

The following year is Portland Oregon. That's big maybe. But if I make the track all the way out to Portland I'm going to want to be out there for at least two weeks. But I'm not all that inspired to go out to the West coast anymore. And even and looking at it from a distance, Portland is overrated.

AND 2023 IS THE IRREFUTABLE, UNDENIABLE, UNMATCHABLE, REMARKABLE PITTSBURGH PENNSYLVANIA! Somebody would have to do a lot to keep me out of Pittsburgh Pennsylvania! Hopefully by then, I'll live there or I'll live somewhere close by. I highly doubt I'll still be here. But wherever I am I'm going to make all my efforts to get out to Pittsburgh Pennsylvania!

I'm not trying to be in Minneapolis Minnesota in 2023. Something tells me that this place isn't going to change. At least not for the better. It's definitely going to change for the worse in terms of gentrification. the good thing about Minneapolis is that it's not hard to get out of there. I can go to Omaha, Lincoln, Madison, Chicago, and a long list of other places if I'm going to go any further south. But really, I'm looking at Omaha a lot because I haven't been there yet. I just need a reason to go down there for a community that I connect with, and Branch off on my own from that connection. 

Iowa isn't totally out of the question, but it sounds like every place in Iowa would be too small for me. But I'm totally not opposed to visit. It's always better to see for myself. Iowa City, Boise, and Des Moines.

as long as I know I want to go I have a better chance of being able to get there!

talking to supportive people

hard to believe I didn't make a blog entry about this, but few weeks ago I talk to my spirit mom. Someone has been very supportive of all of my foolish antics! We mostly talked about politics, because I didn't have much life updates oh, but they was something uplifting about talking to her, just as a like-minded positive force. 

talking to her really brought about a breath of fresh air that I didn't even know it's hidden. I suddenly abandoned the self-imposed stress that I was putting on myself of how I feel like I should stay in Minneapolis through some Universal responsibility. I have ultimately decided to stop racking my brain, and stay here until after the election next year, but I feel much less forced about it. much less stressed out about my decision, because at first I felt like I was stuck. But now I know that I consensually want to be here for a list of other reasons. I was put on this planet, in this life to party, and anything that gets in the way of my party is in the way of My overall livelihood! So I'm going to continue to be adventurous and party hard. I don't owe anyone anything, especially not my time or health. Somehow talking to her about politics with suddenly better than talking to my therapist. Not that I'm going to stop seeing my therapist, but I just felt so much better hearing her voice. I really can't explain it with words. It was all something I felt!

when I talked to her some weeks ago, the job trainings that I just posted about we're nowhere on my radar. I'm hoping that in a few more weeks I'll have more exciting things to talk about that are actually going on in my life instead of the distraction of politics. with or without a job, the job training will be very useful. And having more skills might do more to change my perspective.

Speaking of prospective, I'm very thankful to have a roof over my head and live with people that don't fight or starting drama with me. But there's a lot of drama that goes on between them that rubs off and how they communicate with me. And they also have their own mental health issues that affect their communication. things are difficult here, some of it due to mental health, and some of it due to very obvious choices. Recently there was a housemate that was using a broken can opener and leaving the cans have cut with the cut part of which is the very obvious sharp objects safety hazard. And of course they were leaving me the objects in a shared refrigerator. 

The first time they did it, I cut myself on it because I didn't think to try to use a knife to pry it open. The second time they did it I knew that they were too comfortable with the safety hazard so I had to send them an email asking them to stop. But Me being the adult that I am is very frustrated that any other adult would think that's acceptable, in the first place. there's common sense, and then there's identifying potentially dangerous situations. We should all know that sharp objects and rigid edges produce potentially dangerous situations. No matter what your background is; no matter what culture you grew up in. There is nowhere in this world that I know of where sharp objects don't  mean (potential) danger. 

I read my Tarot on being able to move out different housemates, and the cards that are saying that I'm stuck where I am. The part of me wants to see if I can live alone again. If I really wanted to, I would make it work. But I don't, because when I'm alone every little noise freaks me out. I love being able to walk around the house naked, but is it worth the anxiety attack I have every 5 seconds from every random Creek and snap?

I can function better with the idea of this is where I'm supposed to be. I know how to handle them for now. even though it's frustrating that I have to address things that I feel it basic, it's better to address them than to let them sit and rot on my mind and emotions. and I'm hoping that these new skills from the trainings will open up my opportunities in the to where I don't have to worry about getting a job when I decide to move to a new area. I'm still looking at Madison Wisconsin. being the traveling forklift driver sounds way cooler than being a traveling dishwasher, for me!

I trust that they're better housemates out me out there for me in different states. It's up to me to get out of Minnesota and find them! and if I can find a place that's as open-minded as Minneapolis, with little to no passive aggressiveness and less brutal Winters and Summers that's even better! an actual affordable housing, and communities that are active in fighting against gentrification!

pumpkin spice forklift driver!

I've been getting my basic bitch on with pumpkin spice latte mix and pumpkin spice hot cocoa mix! I have a very happy sugar and carbs filled belly! every now and then I very briefly care about having a flat stomach, but pumpkin spice and chai lattes are too good! I would rather be proud of my flawed body. And I'm starting to think abs look good on other people but maybe not so much on me.

I've always cared more about being strong than looking good anyway. I'm going to start exercising more in the future, hopefully. I have a very long stretched out plan for how I'm going to do this:

First I'm going to do the warehouse training and equipment operations training at a local program. Then I'm going to get a job at one of these warehouses that usually pays almost $20 an hour depending on the position. And then I'm going to get the gym membership and have lyft money! And then I will be buff as fuck! I do enjoy working out and exercising a general. I don't much care for watching what I eat and stuff like that. but I will say that when I have a normal exercise routine, I am more drawn towards healthier foods and less alcoholic behavior then otherwise. But the chai lattes aren't going anywhere!

I've been hanging out and partying hard very recently. Friends birthdays all piled up in one month. A very spooky month! And I do have Halloween plans. It's not a party, but a friend and I are going to go around and look at people's Halloween decorations! And we're going to go to another friend's house and watch scary movies!

Back to the warehouse stuff. The workshop and I'm going to is going to specifically teach me how to drive a forklift, scissor lift, Boom Lift, bobcat, and I'm going to get OSHA training. And the other workshop is going to teach me how to drive an excavator, a toolcat, and teach me computer basics. the flyer more specifically says computer self service is training. I have no idea what that means. It's probably a manager skill or something. I'm hoping I don't have to do the OSHA training twice, as both of the programs have the same 10 hours of OSHA training. 

Not only will whatever job I get with this help me come all my basic needs, but it'll be really tight if I could treat all of my friends did something spectacular on New year's day! And treat someone out to dinner and lunch on Valentine's day. And commissioned some more artist to draw my characters! And get the LG Stylo 5, because I'm officially sick of the Motorola E5 plus! But I do still like Virgin Mobile so I'm going to keep them. There's so much stuff I can do with enough money, and working in a warehouse I know I'll make it least $14 an hour. for what I'll be training in, I think that my maximum starting wage is $19 an hour in this area. 14 is the very least that I need, and 19 be more than enough! 

it's always a matter of getting a job that I like with a company I can stick with, where my co-workers aren't absolute garbage trash beings. and I know that warehouse settings is full of toxic masculinity and stuff like that, but I know the pen is mightier than the sword and I don't take any shit! one more queer black person on the team, and one less toxic heterosexual cisgender bro!

I'm looking forward to the future! Despite the near future being very cold!

The "men can't get raped" guy from a few years ago

Yesterday, at twin cities Zine fest, a person I met from a few years ago was there. This is one of many unfortunate people that I met at Minneapolis couch crash three or four years ago. This particular guy was an advocate for men not being able to be sexually assaulted, when -of course- A man was telling us about how he was sexually assaulted.

I'm glad I went to Madison couch crash, because if I had seen him without going I probably would have reacted differently. At the same time, he's really no one to remember. But I wanted to point out how withered he looked over just a few years since the last time I saw him. I don't know what he's been through, but he looked more almost 10 years older than the few years I saw him, and people around here are usually in pretty good health. Of course, health is also an individual thing.

it was kind of scary though. With him looking like that, I was thinking " Eww! how do I look?" Then again, I don't live in a world where I don't think men can get sexually assaulted, so it doesn't matter how I look!

Self Sept Tarot Card Readings

Spiritual guidance spread:

representing a disassociation that can be overcome with passion and motivation. Way more a card about my relationships and art than anything career of money oriented.

Self-healing spread:

this bread represents how I have been defeated and disappointed with past relationships, so I feel the need to take charge and be dominant. the cards are pretty straightforward and how I need to change my behavior and be okay with disappointment, or know that the disappointments aren't as bad as I make them out to be. The sun at the end of the reading represents the happiness that I desire. alternatively; the reading could mean that I need to change the people around me and form new more satisfactory relationships. Maybe my current circle has become disinterested.

Money tarot card spread:

the card say that I'm creative and enthusiastic but also angry about money. I feel powerless in my situation and how I feel about money is that a luxury to have or I feel luxurious when having it. the lesson that I need to learn is to be more enthusiastic, open-minded, and just have more positive energy and general towards attracting running, as represented by the prince of wands upside down. the actions that need to be taken for financial success is represented by the Queen of pentacles. I need to think of money is more of joy and entertainment than something that I actually need to have, I guess? I'm taking the reading this more than just have a positive attitude. I feel like it's being suggested what kind of positive attitude I should have specifically, and things are in status.

Success tarot card spread:

I am represented as both motivated and creative and kind, and yet avoiding passion and slothfulness. the hidden factor that I need to be aware of is represented by the prince of Swords who represents a fiery passion, being well-educated, and being witty.

the card that represents many people are things that can help me is the Queen of Swords upside down, so maybe an adversary will inspire me to do better. Someone who is an older person, probably a woman that is very skilled. also accounting that the card is upside down, maybe someone who is mediocre that I feel I need to put in their place. the card that represents what I need to be successful as the heritage, who represents discipline.