Abuse of power

After this round of travels, I think I've become better about recognizing when people have demons. People think that they're good because they're welcoming people into their home and treating them a certain kind of way, but they aren't taking into regard the other ways in which they're treating their guests. People can work on others into their home and say the words homophobic and misogynistic things. I wonder how people think that they're good just by welcoming others into their home, but not checking their mindset and morals.

People that enter into the community with intentions to hurt others aren't the people that I'm talking about here. They're very unintentionally about how their thoughts, words, and actions hurt others. But, with the things that go on, they really need more people to check them and hold them accountable so they can see what they are doing to others is wrong.

Racism a-foot? - Couchsurfing members

On this round of travels, I've started considering getting a van more critically. 3 major issues it would solve is "Were can I put my stuff?" "Where am I sleeping?" and "How can I get there?" I would rather ride the bus, but I'm sick of not having a place to stay and no place to put my things so I can really enjoy myself without having carry all my stuff around everywhere with me.

A lot of my couchsurfing requests went ignored by people listed as available. Being rejected has it's own effects, but ignored is obviously different from being rejected. When my requests go ignored I take it personally. Moreso, when it's white men. Most any other group will get back to me, including white women. I have things clearly laid out on my profile, including I'm a black activist and I'm trans and I travel with no money, so I'm not surprised that I would get rejected but being ignored is disrespectful to the time I've taken out to write a costume greeting and request. I've talked to my white counterparts, and they don't have the same issues in difficulty finding a place to stay and being ignored as I do. Not saying all the attention they get is legit or safe. That brings in the issue of misogyny and rape culture to be addressed.

I've come to the conclusion that I need to do SOMETHING different because most of the CS community being fragile, threatened white men is hurting my traveling experiences.

Home base moving?

Now that I'm out and about I am considering other places to set up a reasonable home base. The more time I spend away from it, the more time I have to think about how much I really hate Minnesota's passive aggressiveness. I'm still going to come back because I have built a very healthy environment in Minnesota, but when Trump is out of office it's time to seek a new home base. The place that has been sitting on my mind the longest is Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I like Pennsylvania's politics and general, but I'm already the most familiar with Pittsburgh and I had a 90% horrible time in Philadelphia.

I love Arizona, but it's just too damn hot! I also love New Mexico, but it's damn poor! Missouri is okay, but only okay and I need more than okay to function. And really the only places that are okay are St Louis and Kansas City. And, I also need health care. I would not live in Massachusetts. It's a lovely place like any other place but the radicals are too college-educated to be down to earth.

More to see, though!

Forgiven// Getting ready to go!

I had to come to terms with an event that happened a long time ago. Someone I cared about very deeply died, and I wasn't at her bedside. I was a self-centered teen, and I thought she would get better, so I put off visiting her while she was in the hospital. She didn't recover as we had predicted, and she died a while later. If I had any inkling of a feeling that she wouldn't recover, I swear I would have been there, but the narrative around the situation was that she was going to be alright. And, it's not like I put my own thoughts into it. After getting the news she died, I had sudden chest pain that didn't completely subside for a while.

Soon, she came to me in my dreams and I cried and apologized for not being at her side before she left. She forgave me without hesitation. I had more dreams with her in them and she had the same comforting, forgiving presents she had in life. After a while the dreams stopped, and so did my chest pains. I wasn't in an environment where forgiveness was readily available, so I didn't know what it was back then, and all these years later I'm glad I see it now. I'm glad I know what true love is.

Creations// Possible schizophrenia

Since I got fired, I had to face the other day that I have been obsessive over other people's creations. So much to the point where I was pushing my own Creations aside. I still have a lot of apprehensions about posting my things in public, mostly due to various web sites rules and not so much feedback. But that's really no excuse to push my own imagination out and only be willing to observe others and not my own.

It got to a point where yesterday I had to decide to take a mental health break and not get on any social media and I even went without listening to music for hours. I had to enjoy the silence and be alone with my own thoughts. Maybe I was ignoring my own creations, and maybe I was trying to ignore myself for a long time. But it didn't get me anywhere I wanted to be. I also got way too deep into politics and social media, which are all toxic things. But at this point I can say the politics are more toxic because I have friends on social media. No one making the rules is anyone I would call my friend. We had a lot of political highs and lows happening all at the same time, but I really let all of it get to me.

After spending some time with myself and thinking about my thoughts, I feel significantly better, but there's still work to do. I might also have to face the fact that I have schizophrenia. Of course I haven't gone through the process of being diagnosed, because I just came across this idea some weeks ago. And even if I didn't, it might not be a reality that I would want to face. I saw a video that informed me on different types of Sensations that people with schizophrenia can have and when confronted with this information I just accepted the idea of accepting it a few days ago. People have major misconceptions about schizophrenia, and thinking that it's all the same diagnosis of multiple personalities and swatting at things that aren't there. Sometimes I feel stings bites and crawling on or inside my skin when there's nothing there. I don't hear voices but I hear soft sounds. It used to be worse when I was younger, but now I acknowledge that when I feel something it's very likely that there's nothing there or I'm being hypersensitive to a piece of dust brushing across my skin. At some point in the past, I do remember thinking, "I wish there was always something there when I felt something touching me so I would feel less crazy. Then again, that would mean that they would usually be something actually crawling on me and I probably wouldn't like that either."

Schizophrenia among other various thoughts went through an analysis and an archive. It was just a matter of spending time with myself in my thoughts and getting some creativity out.

Fired and pushed back places

Shortly after I made that last post, I got fired from that dank job a few weeks later. I know I don't want to be a cashier for the rest of my life, and there was no way they were going to force me to. Either they were going to promote me or I was going to quit or get fired, and this is the outcome. Seward Co-op was very much a terrible place to work with a hidden agenda for keeping people of color up front where everyone can see them and really giving them opportunities and higher paying positions. I couldn't even get a higher-paying Floor position, even though I got into a different department that didn't pay not one penny more.

At first I was very bitter over the particular incident that happened, because it involved my direct supervisor at the store manager setting me up to get fired. And since I had already put in my notice, on paper I quit so I couldn't file for unemployment. But now I look back on the entire situation, and learned plenty of new information to know that I am better off without that job in my life. And it's cold outside, so I don't want to do any more moving around than I have to! The job was also very physically taxing. Seward Co-op has terrible ergonomics and its cashier Pit, and the cashiers do way more bending and stretching than they should have to. I develop very serious neck pains and carpal tunnel in both my arms. I started visiting a chiropractor shortly before I got fired and continue treatment after, and both of those issues have cleared up nicely! I was making terrible pay and never got a raise until just before I got fired. It was not worth my time, energy, and certainly not worth my health!

People have been very generous to me and have been donating to help me cover my monthly expenses. I have also been donated food, so I certainly haven't been starving! I'm very appreciative to all the people that have reached out to help me in my great time of need, and I will be sure to pay it forward to others in need!

Unfortunately, this means I've had to push back my travel plans all the way to January! Seward Co-op was a shitshow from beginning to end. I started out only making $10.40 until a whole year where I went up a 25-cent raise and then they fire me an entire month before my notice, which led to me having to push back my trip. And having less time for the trip, I also had to cut out a destination. The destination was picked for other reasons, one of which the couch surfing scene being very deficient.

As usual, I have no idea how the trip itself will go. I'm not having much luck on finding a place to stay but my destination seem to have a lot of shelters available. I'm sure something will work out, and if it doesn't it's not like I have to stick with it forever.

Travel plans have changed slightly // A lot of changes

I made that video some WEEKS ago. Since then, I've cut out traveling back to AZ and  MN, and I'm only going to the southeast, but I'm only going to TN, AL, and GA.

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I may skipping a lot in between this, but I've shut down the punk house and communal house model for my current dwelling. No one wanted to do it, and one of the housemates is so insensitive to the point of not being worth this being a punk house. I can't call this a radical safe space, with people thinking it's ok to say "faggot" or any such terms in the house. And, the other housemate doesn't even talk to us, anymore. They started cutting themselves off, and now they have a tv, so we don't even see them anymore. But, now I don't blame them. We're terrible housemates for each other. It would be best if I let them go and looked after myself, now. I would rather it not be like this, but there's no other way, now.

My original plan was to come back in April, but that's much less likely to happen. It's still really cold in April, and I would much rather do what best for my bodily health. It's easier to get a job than it is to find a place I'll be able to afford. And, I can continue to look for a new place while inside here. I really don't have to talk to them that much, and it's better for my mental and emotional health that I don't. I agree with others that I've talked to that I didn't come back to the house, at all, but I'll just see what happens, and do what's best when the time comes.